"Are you ready?" he asked, looking at me, trying to decide if i was okay.
"I'll be fine michale, its okay." i said, trying to alleviate gis worries.
"see you after" he hollered as i got out of the truck.
"not if i see you first!" i joked, smiling as kindly as i could.
Here it goes. I had been writing in my journal, but not alot. Just a few sentences. I hate it. Talking about my feelings, it hurts worse than my feelings do.
"hello!" said amber, dr. Locknem's receptionist chipperly, smiling as she waved. "mr. Locknem will be right with you" she said reassuringly, looking at me with concern.
"thank you" i said,faking my smile the best i could.
I guess i cant go back now.
"he is ready for you" she said, opening the door for me.
He was sitting there, drinking his tea and staring at me. I have no reason, but i hate the man. He made me talk about my feelings like i was a child who got my toy taken away instead of my mother.
"first things first, i see a ring" he winked, smiling at me.
"yes, he proposed!" i said, trying to dial back my excitement.
I may hate him, but i couldnt pass up an opportunity to boast about my guy.
"and you said yes. Are you sure your ready?" he asked, in that voice that drove me insane.
"well, at first i thought about a murder suicide, but that seemed a little extreme." i said sarcasticly, glaring at him. Who is he to question my decisions?!?!? Oh yeah... My shrink.
"i know your defensive about you two and your relationship, but being callus isnt the way to get custody of cali" he retorted, tsking at me as if he was shaming me.
"im sorry." i said humbly, looking at my feet.
"like i said, i understand."
"i think its time we touched on the subject of your parents." he said, as if it was as simple as a grocerie list.
"no no no no no." i responded, not wanting him to disect my parents relationship with me.
"we need to talk about it some time." he said, trying to be nice.
"i dont want to discuss the feelings i have about my dad dieing, or me being raped and beaten or my mom dying in my arms while my sister screamed in the corner!!!" i began to cry... Shit, not at all what i wanted him to see.
"nicole?" he said softly. He was one of tge only people to call me my real name.
I looked up, not used to the sound of it.
"lets start with something easier. Tell me about jason." he said, looking at me with compassion.
I hate this.
"what is there to tell?" i asked, trying to keep my voice flat.
"start off with how you feel. Hes back in town, correct? It says in your journal that he apologized.what happened?"
What should i tell him... The truth i guess.
"it was Cali's first day of school,and after michale had dropped her off, we went out to eat... And he was there." i wasnt making noises now, but my voice shook as tears ran down my face.
"and how did you feel when you saw him?" he asked, searching for something... I don't know what he was getting at.
"i felt... I thought i missed him. I thought i wanted him. But that wasn't what it was." i said, sure of myself.
"what was it?" he asked.
"i missed the way he made me feel. The way when he looked at me, he was so... Intense. He made me feel like a rebel, care free. He asked to talk to me and... Michale didnt like that."
"Did he get physical?"
"no... Not with him, anyways. I went out, talking to him as he had asked. He admitted he was wrong, and sorry,and didnt expect anything in return. He was telling me he was clean, but when i went back inside, marloe told me michale had gone into the bathroom, looking like hell.
I went in, and he was punching a wall, his knuckles were bleeding. He was mad, but i knew the right thing to do wasforgive him.
I reminded him of when he himself needed help to be better. It was hard, but i got him home, and fixed his hand."
"And?" he asked expectantly.
"and when i got out the front door, i saw jason... Standing there with my phone. He and i talked for a minute before michale came running out, yelling at him. He was angry, but i dont blame him. Jason left, and as i talked to.michale, he got more and more angry until he snapped. He told me to leave him alone and quit smothering him. I left, telling him either he slept at his house or i.slept at a friends house."
"so tell me aboit what jason did" he said, more of an order than a request.
Here we go. I sighed, showing reluctant defeat. I hate this. But cali is worth it. She is the most important thing to me, and i know if i am honest, they will see. She belongs with me.
"I was 16 and he never had acted aggressive before. I had known him for 4 years, and... I expected almost nothing to change. He was my rebound, the one who was supposed to make things better. Instead, he hit me. He wanted to have sex, and i said no. He called me names and hit me and screamed. "I've waited 3 months!" he screamed loudly. The first hit shocked me more than it hurt. It wasnt very hard, but he took me by surprise. I guess he liked it. The look in his eyes, it wasn't... Human. It was almost primal, like a gorilla. After half an hour of beating, screaming, and more beating, he finally told me to leave, but i couldnt get up... He realised he'd screwed up, and he ran. My mom found me, and called 911. She only left my side once. My right eye was swollen shut, and i couldnt turn my head, but i could hear him...michale. He came in, and he held my hand. He didnt say anything, but he didn't have to. I knew what he was going to do, and i wanted to tell him to stop. I wanted him to stay and hold me. I couldn't imagine him being anywhere else, i didnt want to be alone. But he was smart. He found jason, and pissed him off enough to swing first, and hit him until he had a shattered nose, 7 broken ribs, and his face was cut everywhere. I felt so guilty after, knowing that i had caused this. I had caused michale and jason to get into this. Somehow i couldnt hear his name without feeling guilty. And then... Everything changed. I had lost my dad, my pride and strength, and then my mother. I cant lose cali. Not when i know i can help her. I can love her.
They said michale's case was better to prosecute because he didnt have brain Damage... They said my case wouldn't go to trial. That was the end of it. I thought it was." i was shaking, watching as he looked at me. He was emotionless. He refused to look at me, and i just... I want him to say something.
"i think id better leave" i whispered silently, getting up as i kept my eyes on the door.
"come here, sit down." he said softly, trying to calm me down.
"im sorry" i said, wiping my eyes off.
"i just wanted to remind you that im always here. Always." he said, staring at me.
"thanks" i said absently, not really listening.
"you should never need to deal with this kind of stuff alone."
"i have michale to talk to, and cali to smile about. Im okay." i said, my voice slowly steadying.
"are you sure?" he asked, trying to help but not wanting to push me.
"im sure. Thank you." i replied respectfully, grabbing my phone and walking out the door.
Like i said, counseling can suck.
