Can This Be Real?

Chapter 21: Playing Games

Bethany POV

I hear a knock on the door of my hotel room as I was lying on the bed. As I walk towards the door, I tried to shake the emotions of my mind replaying that day with Derek in New York. I opened the door to find one of the Playlist Live organizers saying, “Hi, I am here to escort you down to your panel whenever you are ready.”

I replied, “Let me just grab my jacket and I’ll be all set to go.”

Walking through the hotel and convention center, I was glad to be here to meet some viewers and see some other Youtuber friends with hopes to keep my mind off of things.

One thing that did brighten my mood over the weekend was meeting viewers at the meet and greet. It was fun to see their excitement and get to know them even if it was only for a couple of minutes or so. It is such an incredible feeling to meet someone for the first time yet have such a connection that you feel like they have known you your whole life. So their insight on things regarding my personal life was definitely fascinating to hear.

Especially when it came to Motough and DWTS questions came. I was in awe of the amount of support everyone had for Derek and I. Seeing and reading the comments on Twitter or Instagram is one thing but to hear people comment in person is something else. Handling the “oh, you guys are so cute together”, “are we still close”, “are you dating” and shipping comments was interesting.

I couldn’t help but feel a flutter in my heart to hearing how other people observed Derek and I’s chemistry. It was refreshing to hear but definitely hurt a little by reminding me of the events of nearly a week ago. Gawd, I missed him. Even amidst the pain and the reminder of her, I still wanted to see him and I wanted to be with him.

But that just can’t happen anymore… the idea of “us” can’t happen anymore.

No matter how much I want that fairytale or that possibility of an “us,” the trouble of trying to make this work is going to wear and tear our relationship in the end. And the last thing that I want is to tarnish the amazing memories, friendship and relationship that we had. Even for that short amount of time, it was everything that I could ever dream of. I didn’t want to be reminded of the disappointment in his eyes when I told him that I couldn’t try anymore, or the pain of walking away, or the image of him and her together.

I didn’t want him to eventually hate me for choosing to give up on us. I didn’t want to end up hating him for choosing to be with her not even a second after I left.

I just want to save ourselves from the heartbreak. Trying to work out a relationship right now is just not working for us. I can see exactly how this all plays out. The moment we are in the same vicinity, all of the feelings will come rushing back. We will get caught up in the moment and convince ourselves that this time, we can make it work. But eventually, it won’t work. There are so many variables like timing, the distance, our schedule, and her that won’t allow us to be real.

So rather than putting us through that pain, the best thing for both of us is to just give each other space and move on. If we are really endgame, things will fall into place at the right time whenever that may be. But right now, it’s best for the both of us to focus on ourselves.

Knowing Derek, he wouldn’t give up though. I didn’t want him to constantly think or exert effort on how to fix this. So convincing him to go out, have fun and forget about me would not be easy. So, the only way I could think of convincing him was through social media.

Not necessarily wanting to resort to playing games but posting pictures was the only way. I knew if I were to call Derek and try to tell him over the phone, he would find a way to talk me out of this decision or worst fly out to wherever I am and convince me in person.

So, I tried to use this weekend at Playlist to be 19, have fun and push him away. After my panel on Friday, I decided it would be fun to dance and socialize at the afterparty. I am not going to lie, I definitely took the time to get dolled up and pick a cute outfit knowing that myself or other Youtubers would post pictures all over social media. Hearing from Julianne that Derek often checked my accounts, I wanted to make sure that I looked like I was having fun even though inside I was miserable.

I was hoping that he would see me trying to move on so he could move on too.

Derek POV

I just don’t know what to do anymore. Clearly it doesn’t matter what I do, Bethany and I still can’t figure out a way to make this work. I feel like everytime we take a step forward in our relationship, we fall back 2 steps behind further apart then when we started.

I knew from the very beginning that she was young and probably not ready for all this. Yet, I still overwhelmed her into considering that what we have is the real thing. That this is true love and what everyone spends their whole life searching for. I know she knows and felt it. So through hell and high water, I thought she would be ready to fight for it.

But she wasn’t and at this point, I have no clue what to do. I can’t keep smothering and bombarding her with calls and texts. I know I have to give her space so she could forgive me and find her way back to see that what we have is worth fighting for. But what if too much time and space between us drifts us further apart.

Just look at this last week, going onto Instagram, I can’t help but notice how much fun she looked like she was having down at Playlist. She was around people her own age, people with similar creative outlooks and an abundance of opportunities on their horizon. The right thing to do is to let her go and move on. And because I love her so much, I have to do that.

Trying to get over her and let her have fun would be much easier if she were on the other side of the country. However, seeing that she was New York bound should make things interesting.