Thirthy-Third Chapter : Grieving
Life's been fucking me these past years. I don't even think that there was a good thing that happened to me since the day Eren left five years ago.
When he left, there came the pain of sadness.
When he came back, there came the pain of rejection.
When he let me in again, there came the pain of betrayal.
And right now, when I thought that I could move on, that I thought I could be happy, Sasha died. Just hours after she died, Armin told me about the problem with Eren.
That he will no longer fight with us. That he violated something. That he, again, betrayed us. Betrayed me.
Why does he love hurting me so much? I wanted to ask him that. I wanted to desperately ask question only he can answer. But I no longer have the right.
He's my eveything yet I was nothing to him.
"This can't be real right, Y/N? Sasha's not dead yet, please tell me she isn't!"
I felt empathy. Connie and Jean were having breakdown. If this was just a normal day, I wanted to laugh at Mikasa because she didn't know how to comfort Jean.
I wanted to be the one to comfort them just like I always did.
But I don't think I can anymore.
"She's probably jumping in glee up there 'cause she won't be facing man-eating giant creatures, 'cause she won't be running for her life everytime anymore. She's probably the happiest now because she's finally safe and can eat any foods she liked." I told him, smiling sadly as I looked heavenwards.
"Is she happy to leave us too?"
Damn Connie, what kind of question is that?
"No one knows. But don't worry, I'll ask her for you when I die." I told him.
I was surprised that I didn't sound like I was joking.
They all looked at me with wide eyes, fear was written on their orbs. I chuckled, "I think I was just joking." I said.
Was I?
Was I really joking?
I wasn't sure.
They all sighed in relief but my mind didn't let me rest. Why did I though of dying all of sudden? It was weird of me. I chose to mentally shake my head and think of another thing instead. Sasha's parents arrived after a while. I felt sorry for them.
Should I hate myself? I was beside her when she was shot yet I couldn't even do a thing.
Niccolo soon came too. I remember this man. He was Sasha's great friend. She praises his cook so much. We all did.
They stayed there for a while. Some of them cried, but some of them didn't. I one of those who didn't shed a tear. I want to cry for her, but Connie, Jean, Armin...I didn't want them to see me crying again.
Maybe I'll just visit her again later to tell her how sorry I was. To tell her how much I love her.
After they all left, I did too.
Mikasa stayed that's why I chose to leave. I knew she didn't want anyone to see her tears. Not even Jean. I leaned beside a tree as I waited. I waited for Mikasa to leave. I waited for everyone to enter their houses and sleep.
After a whole thirty minutes, it started raining.
Mikasa must've left now.
I heaved a sigh and walked towards Sasha's grave. If she was only alive, she's probably eating right now. She's probably smiling or spewing dumb but cute remarks.
She's probably happy amidst all the chaos.
When tears finally left my eyes, I heard footsteps from behind. I didn't bother to wipe my face, it was raining anyway.
"You sure look fucked up."
Levi Ackerman.
I chuckled. It was bitter. "I sure am. I have always been." I told him but didn't turn around to meet his heavy stare that I could feel.
"But come to think of it, Captain. Aren't you the one who have felt pain the most?"
He scoffed. "We're even, Y/N."
"Are we?" I asked, finally turning around to lookat him.
His face...it was devoid of emotions.
The dullness of his eyes were evident as he stared on Sasha's grave then back to me.
Levi nodded. "Your Dad was killed, your Mom was killed, you friend, Bertholdt was killed, your other friends are now our enemies, your lover got the queen pregnant, and then anothet friend of yours died."
Those were his words.
I smiled. "I guess we're really even."
"But you know what's the difference between the two of us?" He asked.
I nodded. "I'm a woman, you're a male. Easy."
Levi scoffed. "No, not that." He said.
"Then what?"
"You're naïve, you're a fool, and you're stupid, while I'm wise and I learn my lessons through the mistakes I make." There goes his insults again.
"As cliché as it is, I just want to be loved. Maybe that's why I kept being fool." I said.
He snorted and rolled his eyes.
"Everyone loves you."
They don't.
"How's Eren?" I changed the topic.
Levi shrugged his shoulders as if he didn't care. "I've had enough of that fucker. Don't ask me about him."
I pursed my lips but nodded anyway. The droplets of rain became heavier and heavier. I wanted to leave already. I sighed and looked at Sasha's grave for the last time. A sad smile mad it's way to my lips.
"You have fought a good fight, Sasha. I will always love you." I said then left, leaving Levi there, alone.
END OF CHAPTER 33.
2 chapters to go and it's done.
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