Thirty-Fifth Chapter : To End It All
warning ahead : depression, suicidal thoughts, suicide.
I want to kill myself. I wanted to make the pain disappear.
How?
As I continued running away from Eren, I thought of people who can cheer me up right now. To whom and where should I go? Who should I approach?
Connie. I'll try asking for his help.
So, I went to his place and knocked on his door.
"Connie..."
"Leave me alone!" That was his response.
I heaved a sigh and smiled sadly. Even though he can't see me, I nodded anyway. Maybe he's still mourning for Sasha. He can't help me make my pain disappear if he has his own.
"I love you, Connie. Everyone does, I'm sure Sasha loves you too." After saying that, I left.
Jean. I'll go to him.
I knocked twice on Jean's room but there was no response. I leaned my ear on the door and heard faint sobs, it seems like he was grieving too.
"I hope you feel better soon, Jean." I said, just loud enough for him to hear.
But I wanted to say those words to myself. I wanted to feel better soon. Why won't the world just let me feel fine? I bit my lip and just went away. Maybe I should try Armin.
When I found myself standing outside his door, I heaved a heavy sigh and closed my eyes.
He'll let me in, right?
He'll help me, right?
I tried to force a smile and knocked on the door.
"Armin?" I called for his name, my voice was shaking 'cause of crying and anxiouness.
It took him a couple of minutes to open the door.
I thought I was going to see a welcoming Armin, a smiling but shy Armin, the Armin with kind aura. But when he opened the door, all I could see was coldness in his eyes. It was like...he hated to see me here.
"What do you need, Y/N?"
His voice wasn't soothing and gentle, it wasn't angry too. It was just pure emotionless.
What did I do to him?
Again, I just forced a smile and shook my head instead. I wanted to tell him that I need his presence, that I need him to make me feel better, that I need him to talk to me to ease the pain.
But seeing his face and hearing his cold voice? I couldn't now.
"W-Where's Mikasa?"
That was what I asked instead.
"She doesn't want to see anyone right now. I hope you understand that."
His voice was so cold that I wanted to ask him what was wrong but I kept my mouth shut and forcefully nodded instead. After that, I said my goodbye to him.
"Tell Mikasa to take care of herself, you too, Armin." I said.
Then, I left.
Now, I should go to my last resort.
He was always there when I need him, would he be still there right now?
Yes, him. Levi Ackerman.
Without wasting any time, I walked to where his place was. I was almost lifeless, just like a person who walks without a soul. Does that make sense?
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Together, But Not Forever | Eren
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