Reading Between The Lines ~ Remus Lupin ~ Book 1

chapter 43

Thursday, 28 April 1977

Raj bit his lip. Maggie scrunched her nose. Ava squinted her eyes. Alex frowned. Lena spun her golden pen around her fingers as she read the questions. The five friends were all sitting in the girls' dorm room revising for the upcoming O.W.L.s exams. None of them were enjoying studying very much. Lena was just glad that whatever awkwardness between Maggie and Alex faded after it came out that Maggie was dating again.

"What did you guys get for number three?" Raj asked, looking up from the Charms review pages Flitwick had given them.

"I said the incantation was for the Growth Charm," Maggie said.

"Wait, I said Color Change Charm," Alex said.

"I'm gonna go with the Ravenclaw then," Raj said as he put his quill to the parchment.

"I could be wrong," Alex admitted. "I'm more of the practical, street-smart Ravenclaw as opposed to the book-smart Ravenclaw."

Raj groaned. "That's very unhelpful."

"Why don't you just test out the charms?" Lena suggested.

"Or you can open the textbook and look it up," Alex added.

"Because that's too much work," Raj protested.

"Oh, quit your whining," Ava said.

"But that's what I'm good at," Raj said.

Maggie laughed. "We know. It's been clear since the day we've met you."

"Oi!"

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Sunday, 1 May 1977

Lena knew lots of things about Remus. One of the things she knew about him was that he didn't like surprises. Sure, he liked little surprises, like unexpectedly getting a bar of chocolate or getting a package from his parents. But Remus hated big surprises. He liked preparing for things and big surprises didn't let you prepare for things.

And for that reason, she decided to tell him about her being an Animagus before the full moon and to let him decide if he wanted her there or not. Yes, she became an Animagus to help him but that didn't mean he wanted her there. As strange as it sounded, the full moon was a vulnerable time for Remus. Yes, he turned into a werewolf, an undoubtedly dangerous creature. But he was vulnerable because he turned into something he wasn't, something that he hated. The last thing that Lena wanted was to force her presence on Remus, to make him more uncomfortable in such a vulnerable time. If he didn't want her there with him on the full moon, that was fine. And if he changed his mind, she would be there for him when. All Lena wanted to do was help Remus.

Which was why Lena was standing outside Remus' room, knocking on his door.

"Hey," Remus said with a smile as he opened the door. Despite the smile on his face, Lena knew he was tense. He always was this way before a full moon.

Lena kissed his cheek and grabbed his hand as she walked into the room. The door closed behind them. The pair sat on his bed.

Lena looked down at the top of Remus' hands that she was stroking with her thumbs. Even though she had planned the conversation in her head earlier, the words didn't seem right anymore. Only now did she see the traps and misunderstandings her previously chosen words could cause. She would just come out with it.

"I became an Animagus," Lena blurted out.

She raised her eyes to look into Remus' eyes. They were full of panic.

"Why would you do that?!" he cried standing up, waving his arms about. "It's so dangerous! You could have gotten hurt or died even!"

Lena stood up and put her hands on his arms, lowering them. She moved her hands up and down and looked up at Remus. Her eyes were kind and full of understanding. "I'm perfectly fine," she said softly.

"But—"

Lena shushed him quietly. "Nothing bad happened. I promise."

Remus sighed. "Why'd you do it?"

"I thought it obvious," Lena said more quietly than she wanted to. She dropped her hands from Remus' arms to hold his hands. "I wanted to be there for you on the full moon."

Remus looked away from Lena. He didn't know why or how to explain it, but he was embarrassed. He knew that Lena would never try to embarrass him or make him feel bad. He supposed that he was embarrassed because he needed help. "You didn't have to do this just because we're dating."

Remus could feel Lena smiling even though he was no longer looking at her. It was quite the challenge too. Remus loved looking at Lena.

"I planned on doing this before we started dating."

Remus looked back at Lena. "You did? Why?"

"Because I care about you and want to help you, even before we started dating."

Remus' heart swelled. As always, Remus was in awe of Lena. "When did you transform?"

"I decided to do it in December. And I started the Animagus process in January. I had my first transformation on March fourteenth, before you asked me out. It was so embarrassing, though. The electrical storm started when I was talking to you. I didn't know what to do so I said I had to pee and was going to take a while."

Remus couldn't help but laugh. He had thought Lena had made up the excuse because she didn't want to be around him. "You know I was going to ask you out then?"

"You were?" Lena groaned, burying her face against Remus' chest. "That's even more embarrassing."

Remus let out a chuckle and wrapped his arms around Lena and kissed the top of her head. He was in a much better mood than he was at the start of the day. But he was always in a better mood when he was around Lena.

Lena looked up at Remus. Her brown eyes were wide and beautiful.

"So can I help you? On Tuesday?"

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't."

"I will."

Remus shook his head and continued to speak. "I'm not myself when I'm a werewolf. I don't know the difference between the people I care about. I can't stop myself from hurting them. I've hurt Peter. I've hurt James. I've hurt Sirius. I don't want to hurt you too."

Lena reached up and brushed Remus' hair with her fingertips.

"I know," she murmured. "But it doesn't matter to me if I get hurt or not. Scars fade."

Remus knew that better than anyone. His scars often faded, but they were always there. Remus knew where the scars were from, no matter how much they faded. They were a reminder to him of what he was— the monster he was— and the pain he could inflict on himself and others. The last thing he wanted was to be the one to cause Lena pain and for her to associate him with pain.

Remus swallowed. "I know... And I appreciate you doing what you've done for me. But I can't have you there."

Lena smiled softly at him. "Okay."

Remus never knew that a gentle smile and a small, often meaningless, word could make him feel so much grace and honor. He knew from her smile and simple reply that she understood what he was saying and respected his decision, even if she didn't completely agree with his reasoning. He wondered if he ever made Lena feel as understood as she made him feel. He hoped he did.

"You can always let me know if you change your mind about letting me help. Whenever that is."

"It may not ever happen."

"I know. I just want to be there for you. However you want me to be there for you."

It was in moments like these that Remus couldn't help kissing Lena and so he did kiss her. Lena was rather pleased he did.