Turtle Rock Review Shop

~~~ #17- Living in the Shadows, @heyennbee

Here is your review! Sorry it took a little while, but I hope it helps!

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User- @Heyennbee

Book- Living in the Shadows

Genre- Romance/action

Link to the book --------------->

Cover- The genre says romance or action, but the cover gives off thriller or mystery vibes. In fact, I thought your cover looked a bit familiar, and I think the reason for this is the photo itself that you use. A lot of stock photos like this come up on the interwebs, so maybe something different? I see that you have LGBT tags and that your story is a BxB, so I think the title should definitely reflect that, especially since this book seems to be a romance more than anything.

Title- Again, this title gives off thriller or mystery vibes, and like you mentioned in your form, your book is a romance. With a quick search on WP, I see a lot of books with the same name, so be wary of that. I like the ring of the title... but for a thriller book, not a romance.

Blurb- I see quite a bit of typos that you should probably edit out whenever you have time. I don't want to list them all here in case you already know, but if you want me to let you know, please message me. I don't see why the second paragraph is necessary, though. I think you could just leave it at the quote and then jump into your actual blurb down below. The blurb itself doesn't really tell us much about the characters except that the main character plays football, has two friends, and is probably going to meet his love interest in the book sometime. This article really helped me while writing my blurb: https://www.editage.com/info/book-editing-services/articles/the-five-S-of-blurb-writing-check-these-5-awesome_tips.html

First impression- Right. I'm opening the book now. Note that I never read prologues because they aren't necessary to the plot, so I skipped over yours. Off the bat in the first chapter, we already have talking head syndrome. To fix this, describe the scene around them, and try to avoid having lines upon lines of dialogue with no action or anything going on. The first line of a book should be memorable for the reader, and I feel like your book could have opened with a witty remark from the main character because as I scroll down a bit further, I really like his inner monologuing. It's funny, authentic, and reminds me of a fun narrator. I think his voice should be brought in during that opening sequence. It's not as memorable if the book opens with a line from someone who doesn't really matter. So, to sum up what I just wanted to point out here: more imagery to describe where these characters are, a strong opening line, and more narration in the beginning.

Characters- I enjoy Red and his narration thoroughly. I really didn't expect to

Plot- Interesting, but a lil cliche. However, that's to be expected since this is a college story. I reviewed a book that gave off similar vibes, I Never Should Have Kissed Braden McGill. I thought that first chapter was really good, and I would suggest just giving it a quick glance through to look for some inspo for rewriting this chapter, especially with descriptions. To be dead honest with you, she actually helped me with my own descriptions in my book of my main love interest.

Setting- College! It seems like the average American school, and a lot of the characters have white or white-sounding names, so I'm going to assume this is America.

Other comments- So, I was curious about la portuguesa in the chapter, because 'ola'... is not Spanish. 'Hola' is Spanish. Also, if it is Portuguese, there's an accent over the 'a.' Instead of phrasing it like 'Cuánto tiempo sin verlo?', maybe try 'Cuánto tiempo ha pasado desde que te vi?' I think it would flow smoother like that.

I noticed that you have some comma splices sprinkled throughout your text. Comma splices occur when two independent clauses of a sentence are separated by just a comma. Some examples of this are:

"My dad and I went to the store, my mom went to the salon."

"John's pizza is here, I don't have any money."

Sure, this is how we might talk in everyday conversations, but in books, it is improper grammar. I've found that most people, my past self included, have no idea what a comma splice is, so that is why I wanted to explain it so you can fix it in the future when you go back to edit, which I hope you do.

There are two ways to fix comma splices:

1. Separate the sentences by a period or a semicolon. Since the two clauses are independent, they both can stand alone, right? Check out the revised sentences now:

"My dad and I went to the store; my mom went to the salon."

"John's pizza is here. I don't have any money."

In the first sentence, I utilized a semicolon, which acts the same as a period. When you separate both of the sentences, it reads a lot cleaner.

2. Add a conjunction. Conjunctions are words that can bind two sentences together easily, and there are many different types, but the type we'll be referring to today is coordinating conjunctions, also known as FANBOY conjunctions.

The 'A' in FANBOY is the most used conjunction. If you don't know what FANBOY is, then I'll list the words out here:

F- for

A- and

N- nor

B- but

O- or

Y- yet

These conjunctions can be used in the sentence examples above as follows:

"My dad and I went to the store, but my mom went to the salon."

"John's pizza is here, and I don't have any money."

Since both of the independent clauses were linked with a conjunction, you also have to add a comma before the conjunction. 

When V is talking to Red, you call him Ray two times, so is that his real name? I really like the way you describe how Red is feeling during his interaction with V. Well done! 

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