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~~~ #25- The Experiment, @Ellie6880

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User- Ellie6880

Book- The Experiment

Genre- Sci-Fi

Link to the book --------------->

Cover- I really like the typography on the cover. I think the 3D font for the title paired with the small leaves that look like vines growing up is pretty cool and gives the cover a futuristic, overgrown feel.

The text reminds me of an abandoned science laboratory overgrown with brush and leaves. 

I can't really tell if the black background is supposed to be just that or if it's supposed to be textured. I see a small little 'V' carved in behind the focus of the cover, the pendant, so I'm going to assume that it is textured. 

I think the pendant is pretty cool, and it looks interesting the way it's layered. I especially like how the chain for the pendant cuts through the text. As a reader, I already have many questions about your book from the cover. Why does the pendant have a scythe on it? Is this book about experimentation related to death?

Title- Although I've seen books with this title before, less is more, and most of the time, simple titles get the point and message across easily without giving too much of the story away right from the get-go.

Blurb- I think you might already know what the first thing I'll touch on will be in this section. Please take out the last line. Lines like those are usually reserved for published books that have won literary awards. 

After reading the blurb, I'm left with many questions--What is a Deviant? What is the Experiment? Of course, you don't need to delve into a whole long tirade of what these things are in the blurb, but when I have more than one question about what is in a blurb, I usually don't pick up the book. 

To define things without describing them in too much detail, maybe try parenthetical, prepositional phrases that refer to the object. For example, 

"She expected Deviants, a group of superhuman creatures, to get stabbed with painful injections and studied like a lab rat, not to get put into a large arena where they could use their superpowers at will.

Obviously, you don't have to use this, but I think it might help if you go back through and make sure that readers can understand the blurb's terminology. 

First impression-

Alright, I'm opening the book now. Right off the bat, the reader gets the feel that this book is a subgenre of YA because it opens with clippy dialogue, so props to you on the tone of the book being established from the get-go. 

Characters-

Some of the characters actions don't make any sense. Why did Katrina change her mind and give Dean her name? Why didn't Dean and Katrina exchange contact information or something? They left each other after the coast was clear like they weren't just fighting for their lives together a few moments ago. What is going on?!

I really like how you implement dialogue, however. I noticed realistic dialogue is generally difficult for sci-fi and dystopian writers to pull off because it ends up sounding overly formal and stiff. However, your dialogue, especially from Dean, flows really well in the text. I commend you on this. 

Plot-

Something I will commend you on is your plot. Although it is not the most original, I think you do a good job establishing the beginning of a conflict in the first chapter. After the imminent risk of getting caught by the police is over, I feel like the rest of the chapter is rushed. I would like some more descriptions, some more of Katrina's thoughts. What is she thinking? Is she nervous about what just happened? Does she feel paranoid, like a million eyes are on her?

I think your chapter should have opened with the conflict established later on in the chapter. As a reader, I want to have a reason to care about what happens with the main character, and by including an action scene first, the reader is thrust into the world. 

Starting with an action scene will also help you to slowly introduce and describe the worldbuilding for the reader. 

While reading this action scene, I wasn't transported into the world. Try using more vivid descriptions and actions to help with this. 

Setting-

I find it very odd that this is a sci-fi dystopian novel, yet there is no imagery or scene-setting anywhere. There's a slight description after Katrina gets back to the place she takes residence in, but other than that, I didn't feel any different than I would reading a contemporary book with elements of magic. 

Other comments-

You have a lot of weirdly-placed commas and wordy sentences that can be parred down for clarity. As for the comma problem, I noticed the errors were mostly just misplaced commas where there shouldn't be commas.  

You also have some places where you slip into present tense from a consistent past. For example, near the end of the first chapter, the line, "The police were looking for them, not too far away (BTW, remove the comma after 'them'), but it seems (this should be 'seemed') like they..."

You have good bones for the making of a good story. With a few rounds of deep edits, your book will not only be a lot better to read through, but will attract more readers. 

I noticed that a reader (possibly a reviewer) before commented suggestions to help the clarity of your book. You also didn't take any of their suggestions. Are you still editing? If not, take their suggestions. All of the comments I read from them seem to be accurate. 

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Thank you for letting me review your book! I hope this review helped you, and once you edit, I'll gladly review your book again to give you feedback.