Statehumans one-shots because why not? [SH crackfic]

13- Captain Colly

Here's a short chap I spent the last hour making;

\-/-|-\-/

Colorado opened his eyes and saw a very bright light filtering through green leaves. Either he was shrunk and someone was shining a flashlight on him, or it was just the sun. Both are reasonable.

Turns out it was actually just the sun. He sat up and looked around. Apparently, he was now on a beach? Lit, was his only thought.

He was completely alone on the beach. He looked behind him and saw that through the tree line was another body of water. Looks like he was on a very small island.

He decided he would probably need shelter, so he started smacking a tree with a fish until it broke. He then crafted some wood planks and built a small cubical house.

"Just like Minecraft!" Colorado smiled.

"Woof!" A wolf barked behind him.

"Aww," Colorado pat the wolf's head. "I just need some bones to tame you!"

So he dug around in the sand and found an entire human skeleton. He then stole a single bone and gave it to the wolf.

"AH! NOT LIKE MINECRAFT!" Colorado shrieked as the wolf attacked him.

A day later, Colorado was starving, laying around his house, and just silently dying.

"How did this even happen?" Colorado cried. "Is this my punishment for pushing Oklahoma off of that mountain? I swear I had good reason! He was too afraid to ski down and I wanted to go already, so he needed a little shove!

"Nah, it's just because of that wish you made," A mysterious voice responded.

"Which one?" Colorado asked, not even bothered by the fact that a ghost was talking to him.

"When you wished England could be more adventurous," The ghost replied. "I just sent you to the past. He's a pirate in this time."

"Pirate England? EPIC!" Colorado smiled, suddenly not starving anymore. "Can you make Grandpa UK more awesome too?"

"He wasn't ever a pirate," The ghost reasoned. "He was born after England's pirate days. This makes me question why UK is older..."

"Well, anyway, thanks, ghost! I'll go find my pirate Grunkle now!" Colorado jumped up and sprinted out of his house.

After three minutes he found a village. How hadn't he seen that before? Anyway, a pirate ship was docked there.

"Waddup, pirate dude?" Colorado asked a pirate dude.

"I'll carve out your eyes and shove them up your belly button," The pirate threatened.

"Jeez, okay," Colorado walked away.

Anyway, Colly (Colorado's nickname) wandered around for a bit until he found his Grunkle in full pirate cosplay.

"Yoooo! English relative!" Colorado called out. "Did you know that in your future you become a boring tea-drinker?"

"Really? That's lame," England frowned.

"Ikr," Colorado laughed. "Now you're cool tho."

"Wanna go murder some innocent kids?" England asked.

"YES!" Colorado jumped up and down. I mean, who wouldn't accept this offer? "I just wish my closest friends and Florida could be here with me. They'd love this."

Suddenly, Utah, Arizona, and New Mexico appeared. Along with Florida.

"FOUR CORNER BUDDIES! AND FLORIDA! YAY!" Colorado hugged them all. "Wanna go murder children with pirate tea man?"

"HECK YEAH!"

And so, the five states dressed up as pirates with their Pirates of the Caribbean costumes and set off sailing with Grunkle England.

"Best. Day. EVER!" Utah yelled as he swung from a rope.

"WEEE!" Florida screeched, riding on a dolphin.

"HAHA!" Arizona laughed as she won another game of poker against the pirate crew.

"AHHH!" New Mexico shrieked, not a shriek of joy, though.

Another pirate ship started firing at theirs.

"IT'S THAT NASTY BAGUETTE WOMAN!" Captain England shouted. "LET'S KILL HER THIS TIME!"

"Wait- Grandma?!" Colorado gasped as pirate France shot at pirate England.

"YES! CHAOS!" Florida yelled, throwing bombs full of Bee Movie scenes at France.

"AH! My eyes!" France cried as she was hit. "WHY IS THIS BEE DATING A HUMAN?!"

Then France epicly died.

All of the England crew celebrated and got drunk.

"Is nobody concerned about the fact that this might alter the future? If France died, then America wouldn't've been adopted/stolen from Native America and we probably wouldn't exist-"

"Stop worrying," Arizona interrupted. "Let's PARTY!"

The group had a giant party and it was great. I've never been to an actual party, except for small birthdays and weddings, so I can't really write this part. Let's just say everyone was covered in cake and passed out on the chandelier.

The next day, England approached the Four Corners group and Florida.

"I have to part with you, friends," England sighed. "I have much to do. But, because France is dead, you can have her ship and do whatever, idrc."

"YEET!" Florida yelled, jumping over to the other ship.

And now a new crew reigned over the seas: Captain: Captain Colorado, or Captain Colly for short. Canon fire-ers: Utah, New Mexico, and Arizona. Everything else: Florida.

They burnt down cities, built cities, killed people, revived people, stole money, paid taxes, and all the good things a pirate should do. 

"Hey dudes," The ghost from earlier interrupted their evening. "You've been pirates for two weeks now, and it's time to send you back home."

"Aww, dang it," Colorado whined. "I'll miss this ship."

"I'll miss the carefree murder and no life restrictions or expectancies," Arizona cried.

"I'll miss the fact that I don't need to go to school and that Texas doesn't exist here," New Mexico sighed.

"I'll miss exploding populated villages," Florida then thought about that for a moment. "Nah, I can do that in present time."

"I'll miss Jerald," Utah patted his evil pirate parrot.

Then the ghost dude teleported them away.

-Back to the future-

"That was fun," Florida smirked as the group sat in the living room.

"Yeah, and it turns out nothing altered the future," Colorado cheered.

"Welp, I'm gonna go visit Wyoming. I heard his country got a new rollercoaster," New Mexico left the room.

"Hey, the rest of you, wanna go bother England and France about their pirate days?" Arizona asked energetically.

"YES!" Utah agreed.

And so the rest of the states visited their Grunkle and Grandma.

"HEY! GUYS!" America shrieked from the ceiling. "UP HERE! I HAVEN'T EATEN IN AN HOUR! I'M DYING! SAVE MEEEE-"

The states just ignored him and walked towards France and England.

"Why me," America cried.

\-/-|-\-/

I would love it if someone would leave a request for a chapter. I have infinite ideas, but I wouldn't mind some from other Wattpaders 🙃 As long as there's no smut, preferably no angst, and has room for me to make up crazy ideas around your request.