Statehumans one-shots because why not? [SH crackfic]

25- Push

In chapter Whateverchapteritwas (Meaning chapter 23), we mentioned Duolingo, and his plan to push his users a bit harder.

Let's continue with that scene...

Duolingo the duo-lingoed owl sat upon his throne of decaying bodies. Most of them were innocent people wanting to learn Spanish or something, when they forgot a lesson, and ended up slaughtered mercilessly. 

Anyway, Duolingo was looking at some fun pie charts!

"Mmm, pie," Duo sighed as he looked at the charts. "Cough cough, uh, okay. So, these charts state that I'm losing members due to my notifications not being enough motivation..."

Duo thought for a moment. "So, let's just execute the push plan. We need a test subject, though."

Duo then turned towards his secretary.

"Go get me a random Duolingo member who hasn't used my app for over a month," Duo instructed.

"Yes, sir!" The secretary nodded, running off.

A month ago, Maryland was daydreaming about Saskatchewan, because love, and then a thought occurred to her.

"Sassy man's Canadian," Mary thought out loud. "Therefore he knows French... Maybe I should learn French?"

So, Mary went on Duolingo and started learning French. She got pretty far, but eventually, she realized that the only thing the app was teaching her was how to say she owned a dog. How was that useful?

Mary set her phone down and stopped using the app, but she decided not to delete it, because she wanted to maybe return to it later.

Back in the present time, she still hadn't used the app, and wasn't listening to her notification reminders.

"Perfect," Duolingo's secretary muttered, peeking through a bush at Maryland. 

They reported back to Duo, who approved of the idea, and sent the push model after Mary.

At the time, Maryland was just in the backyard breeding clams in the pool, so she wasn't expecting the giant robotic Duolingo figure to fly from the sky and snatch her up.

"SCREEEE!" Mary yelled, fighting for her freedom (Which she was a professional by this point).

She ended up in a dark, spooooOOoOooky room. It was decorated for Halloween.

"Hello," The robotic Duolingo bird said once it dropped Mary off. "I am Push."

"Why are you talking in italics?" Mary asked curiously.

"Never mind that, now. The important thing is that YOU have been missing your language lessons! You must pay!" Push squawked.

"0-0," Maryland 0-0'd as she watched Push draw nearer.

"You're punishment shall be a public execution, to show all those who fail to liste-" Suddenly, Push was interrupted by low growling.

Push turned towards Maryland, who was the source of the growling. In her hands was a little clam she must have brought along from her breeding facility. Along the shell of the clam was a crack, and clam blood seeped out of it.

"You DARE hurt CLAMONIE!" Mary shouted, anger pulsing through her body.

"I didn't hurt Clamonie," Push backed away from the aggressive glint in Mary's eyes.

"YOU hurt her DURING THE KIDNAPPING ATTEMPT!" Mary accused.

"'Attempt'? I am pretty sure I succeeded," Push thought for a moment. 

"Hah, you wish," Mary smirked, running at Push and attacking them with the twelve-foot-long sandwich she carried with her.

Push attempted to get away, but Mary was too fast. She jumped with her super feet and slammed the sandwich into Push's head.

Although, Push was a robot. So Push simply stood still, taking the hits of the sandwich, until Mary sat on the ground, completely exhausted and dead inside. Push let out a robotic evil laugh, taking Mary to the dungeons and throwing her in.

"You shall remain here forever, and watch as I tell your boyfriend that you hate him and are leaving, for it is a much greater punishment than public execution," Push smirked.

"No! Leave Saskatchewan out of this!" Maryland begged.

But Push didn't say anything as they left the dungeons, leaving a crying Maryland behind.

But, this chapter isn't over yet. Push went after Saskatchewan, but what they found was different than expected;

Montana, the state who bordered Saskatchewan the most out of everyone, was the Sassy Man's best friend. Sass decided he was going away for the weekend and needed someone to take care of the house while he was out with the other provinces.

So, Montana was house watching and brought Idaho along for company, when Push arrived.

"BACK AWAY, NASTY BIRD THING!" Idaho screeched while Montana held out a Bible toward Push.

Push was aware that Canadians were against guns, so they were surprised to see these two people aiming AK-47's at them.

Push had to make a plan... So, they stopped to think for a moment, during this thinking time, the two American states made their own plan. Due to watching My Little Pony: Next Generations, they knew friendship and acceptance was the thing they needed in this situation.

So Montana and Idaho set up a tea party, and invited Push to join them.

An hour later, the three were the best of friends.

Once Saskatchewan and his family came back, Montana and Idaho left to go home. But Push had grown quite a liking to them- They were treated poorly by Duolingo, and they wanted true friends.

So Push joined the family!!! They're now the household robot/pet.

Mayland's still in that dungeon.

Before I formally end this chapter, I want to talk about Delaware's adventures for a sec.

Delaware, as you probably don't remember because I post chapters so slowly, just landed on a giant flat green planet with nothing but wildflowers and an ocean.

He had begun walking towards the horizon line. Now, in present time, he had walked so far that he found a hole! A great, giant hole, that he couldn't see the bottom of.

Because it was the only landform he'd seen for days, he decided it was important, so he took out his grappling hook and attached it to the dirt, holding onto the rope part and jumping down into the hole.

One mile beneath the surface, he finally landed on extremely hot rocks. He had shoes on tho so he's good 👍.

Anyway, he left his rope and walked around, until he heard noises. He followed the noises into a cave and met a giant fluffy ball with eyes and little wings.

"Hello?" Delaware asked.

"Hi," The fluffy thing jumped around in a circle. "Hello. Hi. Hello. Hi. Hello!"

"Uhhhh," Delly began backing away.

"Hi! Hello! Hi! Hello! HI! HELLO! HI! HELLO!" The thing started shouting, still spinning in circles.

The fluffiness of it created a whole lotta friction and electricity, which ended up zapping Delaware. As a result, he was blasted out of the cave and floated back up into space.

Delaware just shrugged, took out a bowl of ramen, and started eating whilst watching the green planet explode with electricity and fluff.