Statehumans one-shots because why not? [SH crackfic]

29- Just your everyday conference

"Tra la la, fiddle de," The states sang as they walked to school.

Once they entered, a couple of people were confused.

"Wait hold up- Why are there only 42 of you?" The principal who is currently nameless asked.

"Uhhh... One's a country, one's in a dungeon, one's a fish, one's lost in space, one's a zombie, two are stuck in jail together, and another is... where was Kansas again?" Connecticut counted off of his fingers.

"France," Arkansas said whilst picking at her new acrylics she and the girls (Plus Cali and Iowa) had gone to get together.

"Right, lost in France," Connecticut nodded.

"Dropping down like flies. We predicted this would happen. Anyway, go to the auditorium for a school announcement," The principal ordered.

So the 42 American states and the rest of the states, provinces, districts, prefectures, arrondissements, postos, wards, townships, and more political division systems of other countries gathered in the auditorium.

"Alright everyone," The nameless principal addressed the school. North American (Counting just Mexico, America and Canada) states/provinces alone were like (Uhhh 32 + 50 + 14 = 96) 96 people [Lol quick maths], so the entirety of the school was around two thousand people. 

That's two thousand teenagers in a school auditorium. Plus teachers and some cities, crab-launching trebuchets, and territories that snuck in...

Imagine the smell. Bleh. Crab + teenager armpits = NOT A GOOD CANDLE SMELL!!!

Anyway, the principal continued;

"We'll be holding..." The principal sighed, not at all ready for what was to come. "Parent-teacher conferences."

The entire auditorium collectively gasped for dramatic effect.

"Each session with each parent will be longer depending on their amount of political divisions, so places like Canada who have like 15 or whatever will take ten minutes per kid plus some time for introductions meaning like a two-hour conference. Just for Canada. Imagine freaking USA. 50. WHO HAS 50 STATES?!" The principal tried to calm themselves down.

"Wait that means that America will be talking to a teacher for... eight hours?" Some random kid in the crowd laughed.

"Oh my god," The principal gasped. "NOT IT!"

"NOT IT!" The math teacher shouted.

"NOT FREAKING IT NO WAY THOSE LITTLE DEVILS SUCK!" The gym teacher shouted.

"HEY, ONLY JERSEY'S A DEVIL!" NY protested. "THE REST OF US ARE PERFECTION!"

"I AM PERFECTION! YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS!" NJ shouted back.

"Mood," The janitor laughed.

"You guys do realize that conferences don't work that way... Each teacher has to talk to each parent," Some random smart kid interrupted. 

"So if the USA states have six teachers, for example, that's 48 hours total," That smart kid's friend added.

The states meanwhile were laughing their faces off because this was hilarious and it meant that America would suffer while they had forty-eight hours alone in the house.

The Russians were laughing specifically the most because they had 46 oblasts, 22 republicsa, 4 autonomous okrugsa, 9 krais and 1 autonomous oblasta. Meaning Russia was divided into 82 parts.

Imagine having 81 siblings holy heck.

Anyway, the next day, the states had to break the news to their dad/caretaker/ kidnapper/mom/everything.

Here's how it went down;

"AMERICA!" DC crashed through the house. "THE STATES ARE TOO SCARED TO SAY IT SO I WILL!"

America was like ?!.

"PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCES!" DC shouted.

And then America fainted.

So the day after that where the conferences, the states stayed home because America had the decency to not force them to sit those long 48 hours+ worth of boring talking as well. But because America doesn't have 50 states anymore, only 42, the conferences were a bit shorter than that. But also there were more than six classes so it was still 48 hours+. Maths. 

"Hello, Mr.America, come in," The language arts teacher smiled.

America saw that this teacher had quite the set up: A pull-out couch bed thing, a whole ten-gallon jug of caffeine, no not coffee, just pure caffeine, and also a cat to pet.

Feeling like he was walking into an incredibly boring cat cafe, America awkwardly sat down.

"Okay, so all your kids suck, let's start with the worst of them all, Texas. I get that he has a bit of an accent, but he spells things with an accent too, and he uses acronyms in his essays, doesn't capitalize his i's... I told him you can't write 'yeehaw, y'all, lol, btw, 🤠, darn tootin' and more in his essays but he instead ties me up with a lasso..." The teacher droned on.

The states were having A FREAKING PARTY at home though! YAY!

Until DC came in.

"Guys, we should save America, remember last conferences?" DC responsibly was responsible with responsible wording and responsibleness and a bit of empathy.

"Right, the incident with the jellyfish, the insane asylum and the brain transplant..." Maine shuddered.

"Actually that was kinda fun. He was super high for a week after the transplant so we'd prank him and poke him and we even made him believe he was in real-life Minecraft for two days straight XD," North Carolina remembered.

"The point is, our father and leader, though irresponsible and definitely not mentally stable, needs help," DC interrupted.

"Fiiiiiiiiiiine," The states sighed.

Throwing out their party supplies, meaning things like definitely spiked punch, rainbow cats, static electricity bombs, streamers, human disco balls, etc. the states jumped into their batmobile and took off into the sky.

The batmobile can fly, yes.

So they flew to school, crashed the batmobile into the cafeteria, saved all of the teachers, parents, and students that had to be there.

Then they ninja'd around until they found America. Carefully hiding behind the wall, they peered through a crack in the door and watched as America occasionally nodded to show that he was listening to the teacher talk forever. But he was actually playing mobile Fortnite under the table.

Suddenly, though, New Hampshire got an idea! Taking out his phone, he logged onto Fortnite and joined America in a match. The states watched as America smiled a bit when he got the notification and joined New Hampshire in killing people.

The game got so intense that when America died he jumped up and shouted 'CRAP A DOODLE YANKEE DONKEY FRICK YOU NOOBMASTER69!'.

And then the teacher was like 'oWo' and confiscated his phone.

"Good going New Hampshire, now we have to save dad and his stupid old iPhone 12," Vermont sighed dramatically.

"I can handle it!" Florida exclaimed.

"WAIT NO-" Georgia tried to stop Florida but it was too late.

Florida released his Kraken and sentient Convertable Tesla on the teacher.

The teacher screamed as the Kraken ate him and then the sentient Convertable Tesla drove over him and exploded in the Kraken's face.

And that big explosion caused America's iPhone to fly across the room! And America with it! And the states! And the entire building!

So everything was flying through space. They passed by Delaware and " who were just talking with a strange space cat, they passed by an exploding star which blew them off course towards a space narwhal rainbow. They flew up the narwhal rainbow and then crashed into Earth again because space logic. I know this stuff. I work at NASA. I'm smort. Period.

Anyway, in the end, America still had to endure 48+ hours worth of conferences PLUS he and the states had to rebuild the school. What a great weekend for the Americans.