The Beach House

Chapter 9: Body Made of Waves

          It's truly a miracle that Annika and I make it down the stairs without dying. Every inch of skin on my body feels tingly and I can't stop smiling. Annika halts me after we've successfully descended the entire flight of stairs. She puts her hand to my ear.

         "Do you think Luke is staring at me?" she slurs. "He's so fucking cute!" Her attempted whisper is comical. Dinosaur fossils would be able to hear her at that volume.

          I giggle and look over to Luke. "He's looking!" I burst. "Giggle and wave at him!" Annika wiggles her fingers in his direction while shaking with laughter. Luke blushes and waves back. I've never seen a more genuine smile. I look and see that Noel has taken Annika's old seat on Luke's left.

         "He waved back," Annika gushes into my ear.

         "I saw. Take my spot at the table," I say. "Make sure you sit close."

         "You're the best," she replies. I ruffle Annika's hair and give her a gentle nudge in the back. She trips which sets us both off laughing again, but she recovers and stumbles over to my seat with glee. I examine the empty seat next to Connor before turning towards the seat at the head of the table, between Soren and Luke.

       "It's closer with less chance of a fall," I say to no one in particular. Sometimes I like narrating what i'm doing out loud. I don't know why I only do it when I'm alone. It's fun. My reasoning of seat choice doesn't sound convincing, even to my drunk ears. I cross the living room and drag the chair out loudly before sinking into it in the most ungraceful manner. I sit for a moment with my back pressed against the chair and stare at the table in front of me. I trail my eyes from the wood to my limp arms and pout. Arms are for hugging and my arms are empty. I look at Annika who is playing with Luke's fingers. I look at Ali who is nestled under Robin's arm. I look to Noel who brushes a curl out of Emi's eyes. And Tess who has a hand on Connor's thigh. When did all of these pairings happen? My eyes finally land on Soren who is talking to Robin across the table. He's fiddling with the hem of his shirt, pulling at a string. The sight makes me frown. I have no idea what he's saying, but I like watching his lips move. My body feels heavy, like every shot added a sand bag to my limbs. I feel at peace studying Soren's mannerisms, the same way i feel watching the ocean. I don't even think to feel embarrassed. I just feel comfortable and warm. Something nudges my foot but I ignore it. I can't make out a single word anyone is saying but the hum of conversation is nice. The something nudges my foot again, more aggressively and I look up. Ali is looking at me pointedly and I realize she's the source of nudging. I look back to Soren and realize he's staring at me, too. I was so busy looking at his hands, I hadn't noticed.

"Did you say something?"

I try to pronounce each syllable but it sort of comes out as a mush of a sentence.

"I asked if you're okay," Soren says gently. I must've looked sad. I'm told I have resting sad face.

"'M fine," I say. I look to the sliding door and decide I want fresh air. No, that i need fresh air. Now. "Goin' outside," I say, but it comes out more like "gunousside". I push onto my feet and drag my body to the sliding door. I use my full weight to open it and stumble outside. The chilly summer air emphasizes the tingles in my body. I trudge over to the stairs that lead to the sand and plop down at the top. Every time I get even a little drunk, I always feel the unexplainable need to be near someone or to be held. I try to hug myself with my arms, but it's not the same. I can feel my mouth pout like a five year old, but I don't care, I'm alone. I close my eyes and listen to the ocean. I try to pretend the arms hugging me belong to someone else and that I'm safely being held. I think about how the drunken tingles I feel on my skin have the same energy as the waves. I giggle at the thought of a body made entirely of ocean waves.