The Beach House

Chapter 28: Tess

              I sway in the crowd mindlessly, letting people push me left and right. At some point, I close my eyes and just let the smell of smoke and ocean fill my brain. It feels nice. Feeling a tap on my shoulder, I open my eyes to Robin attempting to tug Ali through the crowd.

            "Going to get a drink," Ali shouts to me over the rush of party sounds. "Want anything?"

             I shake my head and smile at her so she knows I'm okay being alone in the crowd. She gets swallowed by the crowd before I can begin to understand her response. I take the opportunity of being unobserved to look at the people around me. A little bit away I can see Emi's tall frame. I can't see much around her thanks to my obstructed view, but I assume Noel is with her. Annika and Luke are either not in the crowd anymore or too far for me to find. I try to find Bella, too, but come up empty. I survey the crowd some more until I spot Connor and Soren together a ways away. I pull myself together and jump at the opportunity. I scramble to get to Soren, but the crowd won't let me through. I end up pushed out of the mob completely. I guess I'll find him later. If Connor is with Soren, that must mean Tess is alone somewhere which gives me a new mission.

            Sweaty and exhausted, I set off in search of Tess. I decide to walk around the crowd a bit in hopes of spotting her from the outside. As I near the back of the mob, I hear a quiet sob. I turn around and see that Tess is sitting by the edge of the road by herself. Was that her I heard crying? I haven't heard Tess cry in... I can't even remember how long. Maybe not since middle school. I make my way up the beach, to where the pavement and sand meet, and settle down next to her.

           Okay, that was definitely her crying. I put my hand on her back and rub in slow circles while she sobs. I give her a minute to calm down a bit before asking what's wrong. I pass the time by busying myself with people watching, again.

            That guy is way too drunk. That girl walks like a model. That person has to be at least 6'4". That girl seems like she's really desperate for attentio—

            "Ella, do you love me?"

             For a second, I'd forgotten Tess was there. Her voice startles me, but her question startles me even more.

             "Of course I love you. What's wrong?"

              Tess sniffles and looks down at her lap. It's strange seeing her so vulnerable.

              "I think I might like bella," she says quietly.

              "What do you mean?" It's stupid to ask. I pretty much know what she's trying to say, but I want to confirm it before jumping to conclusions.

               "I think i like her. More than I should," Tess says, her voice barely a whisper.

               I look at her for a second, trying to find the right thing to say.

             "What do you mean, 'you think'?" I say. Well that was definitely very far from the perfect thing to say. That sounds like I'm questioning her when I'm just trying to give her the space to talk. I wish I wasn't so fucking awkward and had thought of something better.

             "I mean that seeing Bella all over Soren makes me feel all... all jealous. And not for him! Of him!" Her words are loud and fast. I sit for a moment, thinking. It's not that I'm shocked. To be honest, Tess being bi or pan makes a lot of sense. It explains the way that I've seen her interact with a lot of girls over the years and why she was being weird earlier when Bella was around. It's just that I don't know how to comfort her in this situation because I know she's not really upset about Bella. She's upset because she's trying to figure out a part of her identity she hasn't ever spoken about before, at least not with me. And I'm sitting here stalling for words. Like an idiot.

             "Do you believe me?" Tess' question catches me off guard again. I stare at her in shock for a second before speaking.

             "Tess, of course I believe you!" I say.

            "It's just, I've heard the way that people talk about people who like more than one gender," she hiccups. "Like for my parents, I think it's totally easy for them to accept if someone is gay. But I think that this is just gonna be too confusing for them. But I want them to know me. I want to be known."

           "I think that's a reasonable thing to want, Tess. I don't know how your parents will react if you tell them. But I'm telling you that it doesn't change anything about you to me."

            "You don't care?" Tess says. This time, she's the one who sounds shocked. And relieved. A small part of my brain is hurt that she thinks this would change anything about our friendship, but the bigger part reminds me that this isn't about me. It's a projection of how Tess feels about herself.

            "Well, I care about you. So of course I care. But no. I don't care as in it's not an issue. I'm happy for you."

            I sit there with Tess for a second. After a little bit, Tess starts giggling.

           "What's so funny?" I ask, already smiling.

            "And we thought we were the perfect group of friends for a diversity pamphlet before. It wouldn't be a complete private school ad without someone questioning their sexuality and wearing a rainbow flag," Tess says with a smile. I laugh with her until the last of her tears have dried. She's right. Our friend group really does look like some ad for a stuffy private school.

            "Hey, wait, does this mean you're giving up on Connor?" I ask after a bit. He'll be crushed. He really has latched onto her these past few days.

            "No, I don't think so," she replies. "Bella's hot, but she seems like a lot of drama. I guess my attraction for her caught me off guard, but that's it. Connor's sweet to me. And it turns out he's a good kisser. Plus, Bella's totally into Soren."

            The mention of Bella and Soren snatches away my light mood in a heartbeat. I look towards the bonfire with heaviness setting into my bones. There's so much I need to fix. And so much I have to tell everyone.

          Tess sighs suddenly and stands up to brush any rebellious sand grains off her butt. "Okay, that's enough emotional stuff for me today. I'm gonna go dance. You coming?"

          I shake my head. "I was just in there before I found you and I'm honestly still not recovered from it yet," I say lightly. Tess laughs.

            "'Kay, well, I'll see you later, then," she says as she starts to turn away. After a few steps, she turns around. "Uh, Mariella?"

             "Yeah?"

             "Don't tell anyone about all this. It's not that they won't understand, it's just... I need to figure some things out first."

              "My lips are sealed," I reply. "Now go dance! Or try and find Connor or something."

              "On it!"

               Tess blows me a kiss before sauntering towards the crowd. I watch as the mob surrounds her until I can't see her anymore. This night feels like it's never going to end.