The Beach House

Chapter 21: How Do You Process a Kiss When You Dont Know How You Feel?

                 I lay in my bed for what feels like hours, staring at the ceiling, but registering nothing. I think about my moments with Soren up until today. I guess there were flirty moments, but I didn't think he was actually interested in me. He's probably not. Why would he be? He probably was just being nice. Or just looking to hookup like my mom thinks all guys want. Or maybe he pitied me because he's so out of my league. Like I'd be blessed for someone like him to show interest in me. And i did just tell him all that stuff about my virginity last night. Maybe he took that as a sign that I'd be willing to put out. But he doesn't seem shallow like that. I just can't think of another reason as to why he would kiss me back. What I do know, though, is we've only known each other a few days. The longest feeling few days ever.

             I think about my break up with Noah and how I've been feeling guilty all week for just talking to someone, meanwhile he's doing everything but talking with another girl. It makes me feel confused. Why can't I think about Soren without thinking of Noah? And why can't I think of Noah without wanting Soren?

           Wait. I told Noah to not contact me again, but I never officially said the words "I'm breaking up with you." Does that mean I cheated, too? I got so caught up in not wanting to have to talk about it that I never even clarified things about our relationship. In my head, we're over. But i never said that, i just felt it. But he has to know we can't just continue on as usual, right?

            The kiss only lasted for a second anyways. I pulled away and then word-vomited at Soren as he stood there, a victim to my stupidity.

Ew. Just remembering how awkward i was makes me cringe.

            But underneath the embarrassment and doubtfulness, I feel pretty content? Giddy, almost. Which is weird. In the moment, I just felt panic and the need to run away. Now that I have time to process things, the rush of positive emotions that overtake me is overwhelming.

           I kissed Soren.

           And he kissed me.

           The thought makes me giggle. I cover my mouth quickly and glance at Ali and Robin to make sure I haven't woken them up. Thankfully, they're both out like a light.

I watch them dream peacefully, happy to be in each other's company, even while unconscious. The rush of adrenaline I felt starts to fade, leaving my limbs heavy and dense. I match my breathing pace to Ali's to wind down and feel everything inside me calming.

Seeing Robin and Ali asleep makes me feel tired, too. Who knew rollercoaster emotions could wipe a girl out so quickly? I feel a big yawn coming on as i click my bedside lamp off. I wonder how Soren is feeling. Does he feel positively giddy like me? Or did i hurt his feelings? Does he feel like he made a mistake? Maybe i should come back to these questions tomorrow. My eyelids are starting to feel like chunks of iron. Hugging a pillow, I lie on my side and drift off to sleep

                             ***

          I wake up the next morning with my pillow imprinted on my face. The sun is up and bright, but I still feel like I'm made of led. I roll over to look at Ali's bed and see she's alone. Robin must've gone downstairs at some point in the night. That was nice of him, but he didn't have to.

         Ali looks even worse than I'm assuming I do. She has matching sheet pillow imprints on her cheek, hair poking out in every direction (including into her mouth), and a small stream of drool down her chin. I put a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing and grab my phone to take a picture.

         The second my flash goes off, Ali wakes up.

         "I don't know what I look like right now, but you better delete that, Mariella," she says while rubbing her eyes.

         I giggle in response. "Not a chance. It's my new favorite picture. I'm thinking of making it my lock screen."

          "Don't you dare! Lemme see!" Ali is trying to stay serious, but I can tell she thinks it's funny, too.

          "No! It's mine! You'll just delete it!"

          "Yeah, you bet I will," she says before lunging towards me. I try to jump out of the way but end up just spazzing out and throwing my phone. It hits the wall and falls to the floor with a loud smack. Ali and I both look to where I threw it and pause for a moment.

          "Oh my god," I say.

          "Oh my god," Ali repeats.

          I scramble over and pick my phone up. The screen is shattered and it won't turn on. I stare at the phone and then look up at Ali. We both crack up at the same time. I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe.

          "I... broke... my... phone..." I gasp between laughs.

          "Broke it? You threw it like it owed you money!"

           This makes me laugh even harder, like that kind of laugh where it's silent. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy about it being broken because it's expensive, but the way I just threw it across the room is too much for me. We sit there gasping for breath for a really long time, my phone staring back at me with a blank screen.

           "If I get this working again and that picture is gone," I say between gasps, "I'm gonna murder you in your sleep."

          "And if it's still there, I'll murder you first!" Ali's words come out breathy and choppy between wheezes.

          "I deserve that picture," I cry. "I won that fight between me and my phone hands down!"

          "No kidding! I thought your phone was gonna go straight through the wall and land on the back porch!" Ali mimes my phone falling with a whistle and uses her hands to imitate an explosion. Which of course sets us both off laughing again, leaving no air for either of us to get another word in.