The Beach House

Chapter 29: Apologies

            I consider my options while sitting in the sand. I could pretend I feel fine and try to dance with my friends. I could sit here until everyone else is ready to leave. Or I could try and walk home myself. The first option would be great if I could sum up even an ounce of energy, which I can't. The second option could take hours, and i'm not exactly a patient person right now. Third option it is then.

             I stand up and brush the sand off my legs before heading closer to the water. Walking along the beach will take a while, but it's probably still quicker than waiting for the others. I walk mindlessly, taking my time to graze the sand. I don't look back at the bonfire. Maybe I should've told someone I was leaving, i think to myself. They'll figure it out. Or i'll text them from Ali's laptop. I hope no one notices for a while. I wouldn't want to worry anyone. The massive crowd should buy me some time, though. I just need a bit of peace right now.

The noise of the waves is loud enough to silence some of the pitiful thoughts running through my head. The sand is silent under my feet as I take each step forward. The water crashes in tempting mountains, but I know better than to swim alone at night when no one knows where you are. I walk for a long time, the breeze tickling my neck. The air feels more refreshing away from the fire. I breathe in as much of it as I can. I do an emotional check in with myself. I'm somewhere below average on the emotional scale right now. My mess up with Soren is weighing on me, but talking with Tess improved my mood a little. In short, definitely not the best, and thankfully not the worst.

It takes me a while to get back to the house. By the time it's roof is in sight, my calves are burning and sweat is pooling on my upper lip. Someone must've left the light on inside because i can see yellow warmth shining through the windows. I could've sworn we turned them off, but i guess not. Despite my physical exhaustion and lack of energy, my brain feels wide awake. I've never experienced so much relationship turmoil in such a short amount of time and it's sending my brain into overdrive. I stop at the stretch of the beach directly in front of the house and sit at the waters edge. I let the cool waves wash over my legs and dampen the hem of my shorts. The cold water feels nice on my tired legs. I tilt my head to the stars and close my eyes, taking in the salty air. The night fills my lungs and soothes my distraught mind. The air feels refreshing and I drink it up with every intake of oxygen.

I sit there for what feels like a while, but could very well only be a minute. I wonder to myself how long the others will be out. Its hard to tell what time it is with no phone and no sun. I would guess it's around midnight. Maybe later. I finally decide to stand and head towards the house when I remember Ali's laptop. I should really let everyone know where I am, just in case. I drag my way inside, then up the stairs to our room. Ali's computer is plugged in near the mirror. I log in with her password and type out a message to the group.

ME: hey it's mariella on ali's computer. I decided to walk back by myself so don't wait up for me :))

As I hit send, I hear the sliding door push open. My heart starts beating fast like a hummingbird. Is someone breaking in? This is not a scenario I'm prepared for, but would totally be my luck with how this week is going.

I grab one of the shoes laying on the ground next to me and quietly make my way towards the sound. I know in reality a shoe won't do much to a robber, but having a possible weapon in my hand makes me feel a little better. I tiptoe my way down the stairs, taking them one at a time. As I press my toes to the last stair, the wood let's out a loud creek. I freeze and fight the urge to curse. I wait with my weapon in the air and listen for more noise.

"Hello? Is someone there?" The voice is male. My heart slows and my breath returns as I realize it's just Soren. I walk out from the stairs and drop the shoe on my way to the kitchen.

"You almost gave me a heart attack," I say as relief registers on his face. How stupid are we both, jumping to the worst case scenario so quickly.

I watch as his face twists from relief into an unreadable stoney expression. Oh yeah.

"Sorry," Soren says through his teeth. "I didn't know you were here." He turns towards the sliding door again. Wait, is he leaving?

"Soren stop," I say to his back. "Don't go. Please. I'm so sorry."

He freezes in his spot and turns around slowly. He looks me up and down, taking in my wet shorts and distressed face. I try to continue my apology, but he cuts me off.

"Mariella, I know you're sorry. I don't need you to apologize. I'm not mad at you." I stare at him confusedly. He's not mad at me? then why does everything feel so tense? And why is he looking at me like that?

"But—," I start. He cuts me off again.

"Please. Don't. I'm not mad at you," he repeats. "I'm mad at myself. At this situation. Mariella, I don't want to be nothing. And I know you think that I mean something to you. But you just got out of a relationship. I can see you're still dealing with it. Part of me wants to rush into things and another part is angry at myself for wanting something i know you're not ready for. I don't want to be a rebound."

Soren pauses and glances at me before bringing his eyes to the ground and continuing.

"But at the same time, I can't stay away from you. Anytime i'm even near you I can't control the urge to get closer to you. And you're not ready for that after... what just happened. So I'm just gonna try to stay out of your way. And maybe in a few months, when you've figured things out, you can look me up back home. I just can't be the casual fling guy you need me to be."

Everything about Soren in this moment screams vulnerable. His eyes. His body language. His tone. Part of me wants to comfort him. But another part, a stronger part, is angry.

"I'm not ready?" my harsh tone shocks him and he snaps his eyes up to mine, clouded with confusion. "You think i'm not ready for you?"

"Well—," he starts, but this time it's my turn to cut him off.

"You don't get to decide what i'm ready for. You cant force me to not feel something. Yeah, I just broke up with noah and it hurt. But not because I loved him. Not because i'm sad it's over. Because, trust me, i'm not. It hurt 'cause he made me feel like I wasn't enough. I haven't loved Noah like a boyfriend in a long time. Him breaking my trust hurts, yeah, but not because i'm heartbroken. I'm not. I know I should be, but I'm not. Its been over with him for a while now. So you're gonna tell me that someone i actually care about cares about me, wants me, but that i'm not ready for that?"

Every word is a release. each sentence spoken out loud solidifies their truth. I know i've felt this way for a while, but hearing myself actually say it makes every emotion feel solid. Tears prickle at my eyes, like they always do when I'm mad. I take a deep breath of air before stepping forward. I end up close enough to Soren that I have to look up at him to keep eye contact. His face is stuck in an expression of shock.

"I don't want you to stay away. I don't want you to keep your hands off me. You're not nothing. I'm sorry I said all that stuff earlier, I panicked. But no one has ever been more ready for you than me. I'm not some fragile person waiting for the next boy to blow her over." I watch as Soren's expression goes from shock to understanding before he breaks into a soft smile. His eyes sparkle like the ocean as they stare into mine. He lifts a hand and gently brushes a strand of hair off of my face.

"You're right. You're not fragile," he says before crashing his lips onto mine. And suddenly he's everywhere. His hands run all over my body as mine tangle themselves in his hair. I breath in his scent and savor every second of it. His mouth moves with mine in harmony. I press myself as close to him as I possible can and feel his body heat envelop me. Without breaking our kiss, Soren wraps my legs around him and carries me to the couch. I'm so caught up in him that I don't even have time to feel any shock at how easily he carries me. As he lays me on the sofa, he breaks contact for the first time. I stare at his beautiful face above me. In his eyes, I find safety. We smile stupidly at each other before his lips are back on mine. I've never felt more ready for someone in my whole life.