The Beach House

Chapter 34: Fine

I race towards the sliding door and reach out for the handle before pausing for a second. I can hear Noah's grunts of frustration as he kicks at the sand, not noticing I haven't gone in yet. I take the stolen moment to wipe away the tears on my face before entering the house. I doubt wiping at the tears does much for my sorry appearance, but I don't care.

The inside of the beach house is buzzing with warmth and energy. Everyone is talking to each other and laughing. I look around for Ali and see she's in the kitchen cleaning a spill on the counter with Robin. She doesn't hear me enter under the hum of many conversations. I keep my head down and quietly slip upstairs unnoticed.

Closing the door behind me, I kick off my flip flops in frustration. They fly in opposite directions and one hits the wall. The tears I thought i'd wiped away outside return. I throw myself down onto my bed and let them run. Silent sobs shake my body.

I can't believe Noah can make me feel so unsafe. I can't believe he grabbed me like that.

How little he must think of me if he thinks I want him here. That I'd take him back. The thought of facing him again makes me nauseous.

Did he think i'd be happy to see him? That i'd forgive him? How does he make me feel so powerless so quickly?

I sit up and stare at the door while wiping harshly at my face. He doesn't see me as his girlfriend or his ex or even a person. He wants me to be his moral compass. He wants me to forgive him so he can move on. But I refuse.

Stop crying, Mariella, I tell myself.

I look over to my duffle with clothes spilling out in every direction before making my decision.

If Noah is staying, I'm leaving.

I clumsily make my way to my duffle bag with tears blurring my vision. I throw things in without looking at them. How dare Noah try ruin my favorite place on earth. I barely feel the fabric of my clothes on my skin while shoving them forcefully into the duffle. As I stuff shirts and shorts into my bag, I hear the door open. I turn towards it with puffy eyes, praying it's not Noah.

My eyes meet Soren's and relief rushes through my body. Sobs shake me to my core as he closes the door and crouches down to my level. I let him pull me into his arms and rub my back. I watch my tears dampen his clothes as I cry.

We sit like that until my tears eventually dry up. I breathe in the scent of him. It comforts me. Soren lets me stay on his lap until my breathing evens out and the shakey sobs are gone. He leans down and kisses the top of my head.

"You have sand in your hair," he notes.

I keep my mouth shut, worried the crying will return if I don't. Soren strokes my hair affectionately.

"Let's get you cleaned up." Soren guides me to my feet and leads me to the bathroom. He hands me my toothbrush and I brush my teeth without looking in the mirror. The sound of running water fills my ears as he turns on the shower and lays out a towel. I remove my makeup and wash my skin before turning back to face him.

  "I'll wait downstairs?"

"No," I say, reflexively. My voice sounds hoarse. "Stay with me."

Soren hesitates before nodding. I rejoin the comfort of his arms. I watch him set out a pale yellow towel for me. He kisses my hair again before turning to go.

"I'll wait in your room then."

I stop myself from asking him to stay with me in the bathroom. It's too risky with so many people downstairs. They're bound to notice we're missing eventually. What would we say if they found us both with wet hair coming from my bathroom? I can barely explain why he's up here in the first place.

Under the hot water, I watch numbly as the sand flows off my head and down the drain. The shower relaxes my tense muscles. Steam fogs the glass and I watch as the condensation races towards the drain. I wash my hair mechanically before turning off the water and wrapping myself in the yellow towel Soren laid out for me. I look at the clothes i'd been wearing, which are in a crumpled pile on the floor, before deciding I don't want to put them on again. I feel clean of Noah right now. I don't want to ruin that.

I step out of the bathroom in my towel to Soren sitting on my bed. He looks up at me with pure intentions and bright cheeks. I walk over to my poorly packed duffle and pull out sweatpants and an old Cat Stevens tee that I stole from my mom's closet. It's worn and has a hole by the collar. Soren looks away as i change, being the gentleman that he is. The soft fabric feels nice against my skin. I crawl over my bed to sit with Soren. He wraps me in his arms and we lay down, my head on his chest.

I let silence overtake me as I sit in his warmth. Our silence is comfortable and calm. I listen to his breathing and match my intakes with his.

In. Out. In. Out.

"I don't think you should leave," he says finally. The steady beat of his heart under my ear seems to emphasize his words.

"Obviously Noa—... he's here. But you told me this is your happy place. Those are your friends down there. Why should you let him ruin that?"

I turn my face to glance at his and see him looking at the ceiling thoughtfully. His eyelashes reach upwards as the moonlight filters in through the window, illuminating his features.

"I don't know what else to do," I say. The defeat in my voice is obvious, even to me. It sounds small and pathetic, which is exactly how I feel.

"I don't want you to go," he replies.

I stare at his face for a few more moments before looking back to my mess of a duffle bag. Closing my eyes, I take in a deep breath filled with his scent. Soren has become so tied to the beach house in my mind, it's hard to picture him outside of it. I ponder my options before speaking.

"I don't think I want to go either," I say finally. "I just feel so... Uprooted."

"It shocked me, too. Putting a face to the name."

The sound of Soren's voice brings me to my final decision.

"It's just the way Noah makes me feel. Slimey and dirty when I haven't even done anything to be ashamed of. It was all him. He makes me feel so gross. And him being here with all of our friends makes things so complicated."

I pause and shift my body so that I'm looking down at Soren's face, eye to eye. I take my hand and run it from his forehead to his cheek. He looks back at me steadily, his lips parted. I kiss him softly before pulling back to look at him again.

           "You should've seen how he grabbed me. It was scary, like actually scary."

            Soren starts to get up, anger storming his face. "He hurt you?"

           I can tell he's waiting for my confirmation to stomp downstairs and do who knows what. I pull him back down by his shoulder. It's obvious he wants to go after Noah, but he respects my wishes too much. It makes me surge with warmth that he actually listens to whatI want and need.

           "Please. I don't want that. I didn't bring it up to make you angry at him. It's just that you make me feel so safe. You feel right. I'm not even thinking about power dynamics and stuff like that with you," I continue. His skin is soft under my touch, his eyes caring.

"I'll stay," I say finally before lying back down beside him.

"You will?" His voice is hopeful as his hand finds its way to the small of my back. I can tell he was trying not to let on how much he was hoping I would stay. He's so thoughtful, always worried about how I feel. It's a total 180 from Noah.

"Mhmm."

"Good."

I listen to his heartbeat. It reassures me. I can't let Noah chase me out. I have a good thing going here. Friends. Soren. The beach. I deserve the beach house after how Noah's treated me. And I deserve to feel light.