If there were ever a moment where I wish i had my phone, it's this one. Sitting alone on a bench while sober at a summer bonfire is the epitome of teenage isolation. I kick at the sand while retreating into my thoughts. I try distract myself from my negative tendencies by making a mental to-do list. I'll wash everyone's dishes tomorrow when they're hungover. I'll start to pack away outfits I've already worn so I'm not panicked when we leave in a few days. Did I tell my mom about my broken phone or does she think I'm ignoring her? I can't remember. I add checking in with mom to the top of the list. I should go into town and get it fixed. I should talk to Emi and Annika about whatever's going on with Noel and Luke, too. I feel like I've barely seen them this whole trip. Tess, too. I should figure out a way to tell my friends about Noah before the end of the trip... So they can hear it from me first. I mentally shove that to the bottom of my list. I still have a few days. Thinking of facing reality fills and swarms my thoughts until it's too much.
When I feel tears start to prickle at my eyes from dwelling on bad things, I distract myself with people watching, making mental notes of my peers. That girl has the perfect body. I love this girl's bikini top. That boy's hair flops in exactly the right way. That guy is definitely crushing on his friend. Those two definitely like each other. This guy kinda looks like Soren.
Wait. That is Soren. And he's walking towards me.
I busy myself with making a drawing in the sand with my toe so he doesn't see how I was just silently staring at people. When his feet are close enough that he can hear me, I pretend to notice him for the first time.
"Oh, hey. You're back," I say in my most casual voice. I'm not sure how convincing it sounds.
"Yup, I'm back." I look to him to see if there's more to that sentence as he takes a seat next to me and stares straight ahead. The glow of the bonfire softly bounces off the angles of his face. His presence makes me feel dizzy with sensory overload. Giddiness fills my stomach and cuts through my soured mood. I try to register his expression to see what kind of mindset he's in, but come up empty. His face is pretty unreadable, at the moment.
"So. Bella seems... Sweet," I lie.
Soren mumbles in disinterested agreement, which seems so unlike him. He's usually pretty articulate. My nerves are set on edge as I try to think of a reason that his conversation with Bella left him feeling like this. I know I don't really want to know the answer, but the curiosity is getting the better of me, so i ask:
"What did she want?"
Soren glances at me swiftly before bringing his eyes back to the crowd in front of us. His eyebrows furrow together as he starts to speak.
"She, uh... She kissed me."
"Oh." I let out my breath, which I'd been holding, feeling utterly deflated.
"I didn't kiss her back and I told her I just wanted to be friends and... And I'm sorry."
I take it all in. It's all too much. The past few days have just been too much. I'm tired of things being so dramatic that all i can think of to describe them as is "too much." My defense kicks in. When my words finally come, they come out in a rush.
"It's ok. I mean, you can do whatever you want, it's not like we're anything. We've only really kissed once. So no worries."
We both suck in air at the same time. Soren stares me in the eye for a long second before standing. I jump up to join him.
"No, wait! That came out wrong! That's not what I mean—" Soren cuts me off quickly.
"No, you're right. We're not anything. Technically, you still have a boyfriend. It's nothing, Mariella." Something about him saying my name combined with the boyfriend comment breaks me and I feel another tear escape. I stare at his face desperately trying to grasp onto any shred of emotion, but his expression remains blank. "I'll see you later. Have a nice night," he finishes. Each word is like a dagger.
"What just... Soren, no, I didn't mean to—". But he's already gone. I sit back on the bench defeatedly and let myself cry. And I really mean cry. I let my emotions about all the strain I've been feeling lately takeover. My confusion with Soren. My heartbreak for Noah. The pain of not being able to confide in Ali. I get the occasional look from other kids, but no one interrupts me. Thank god.
I really couldn't have said that in a worse way. Now he thinks I don't care when I really care too much. Can't he see it was just my old stupid defense mechanisms kicking in? I try to think about how I would feel if the situation is reversed and I know I would take that seriously, too. But it's not what I meant. Not what I feel. It's just the small part of my brain that is scared to let Soren in. I wasn't prepared for that part of me to take reigns of my mouth. Ugh, I'm so stupid.
I let myself sob it out until I feel strong enough to pull myself together. I'm bit even sure what exactly I'm crying about, I just know it feels good to let it out. When the tears are finally gone and my lips stop trembling, I stand up to find some of my friends. I look for Tess first before deciding it's a bad idea to go for her, Annika, or Emi. If something's happening with the objects of their affections, I don't wanna interrupt. I start to look for Ali instead. It's not hard to spot Robin in the crowd since people tend to gather around him. He's always been the life of the party. I make my way through the people and closer to the bonfire until I'm next to Robin and Ali. She nudges me in the shoulder and I do my best to smile back at her. Robin hands me a cup and I down the liquid without tasting it. Standing in the middle of the crowd, close to the fire, I feel warmth spread over my skin. I didn't even realize I was cold before. It's impossible to hear anyone over the music and screaming so I sway along with the rhythm of the mob and lose track of time. I let the heavy bass inthe music blare in my ears until I can't hear myself think anymore.
YOU ARE READING
The Beach House
Romantiek--completed- Mariella looks forward to going to the beach house every single year. She's gone with her friends for as long as she can remember. The same people, the same house, the same summer feeling. But this year something's different: her boyfri...
