The Beach House

Chapter 19: Mamma Mia

Today's a new day. When I wake up, Ali is gone so I take a moment to check my phone. McKenna graciously took down the photos and apologized profusely. I forgive her immediately. It's not like I really intensely study the backgrounds of my photos before posting them either. I text back all the people who tried to either comfort me or get gossip out of me and politely ask them not to tell my friends anything. I say I want to be the one to tell them and they seem to all agree. It's not like that will save me, though. Not everyone talking about the situation is talking about it to my face. I'm sure someone will text one person in the group at some point while fishing for more gossip and then I'll really have to confront it. But that's a problem for future me to handle.

            There are more missed calls and texts from Noah. I open them to make the notification go away, but don't read them. I glance at the last text I sent.

ME: actually, don't contact any of us. I want to explain this. Please.

            After I send the message, I block his number and all of his social media. I'll talk to him on my terms, not his. A small part of me is concerned that he'll disobey in an effort for me to get me to respond, but a bigger part of me knows probably doesn't want our friends to know at all. I'm sure in his perfect world I forgive him immediately and agree to keep it a secret. Honestly, I'd be lying if I said a small part of me didn't want that, too. For us to go on like nothing happened, to not have to confront any of this. I'm not capable of letting that scenario play out, though, and I don't really think anyone should be anyways. Right now I just want to never speak about it with him and never have to see him. I don't want to have to admit to someone who hurt me just how badly it hurt. It feels like giving up power. I'm glad to be away from him where I don't have to decide what to do next immediately.

I feel minusculey better after completing my tasks, the way you feel after cleaning your room or mowing the lawn. Accomplished and organized.

           Once my phone is notification free, I start to wonder where Ali is. Her phone isn't in the room so I assume she left.

ME: where r u???

          Ali replies immediately, which I'm grateful for. I hate waiting hours for a text back.

ALI: with robin on a date!! Annika, Luke, Emi, and Noel kinda went on what they say isn't a double date, but def is. Tell u about it when I'm back!!

            Thinking of Annika and Emi's romantic successes makes me happy. Listening to their stories when they get back will be a nice distraction. I get up and put on a purple sundress before heading to the bathroom for my morning routine. Once I look and smell sufficiently better, i grab my phone and head downstairs for something to do.

            The guys have rolled up their sleeping bags and pushed them to the side. I head past the couch to the kitchen and look for any evidence that anyone's around. On the island, there's a sticky note. I stroll over and pluck it from the counter.

        Mariella,
We went to the public beach to play volleyball. Feel free to join us.
PS we'll probably get food after. Text us if u want/need anything!!
       -Tess, Connor, Soren

           I consider joining them for a moment, but decide I'm too exhausted. Maybe I should be upset that everyone seemingly left me behind, but I'm grateful they let me sleep. Despite a full night of sleep, I still feel tired to the bone. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I had to wake up early. Beneath the surface of feeling happy for all my friends' summer wishes coming true, I feel really weird still. I can't think of the right word to describe it. Sad sounds too simple. Angry is too much energy. But it's something around there. Having the house to myself is a blessing. I look in the shelves for something to eat and see we only have cheese puffs. Some breakfast.  I take my phone out again and text Tess.