Not the same - enemies to lovers

Part 37- not everyone gets out alive

I stumbled back slightly from the fear of my own thoughts, were they even my own, it felt like I had no control over the things I thought or even do. I felt bucky's arm snake around my waist supporting me, helping me stand for the time being, I felt guilt and shame wash over me as his lifeless body moved since with Thors sobs.

I'd never met this man, yet the sadness that's consuming me could fool anyone to think he was my bestfriend.

He was 

A mere whisper in my ear yet no one was around, each day my thoughts fade into reality, I'm struggling to know what's real or fake, new or old.

Tony-"whoever did this will pay, loki was a member of the team and he will have justice" his voice was so powerful, so demanding.

we dont like it, kill him, kill him, kill-

y/n-"no! what the hell is going on." everyones eyes met mine, my head, mind, heart, body. Every atom I'm made from is tired, upset, angry. I can feel the energy around me everyday, pulling me closer to an edge I don't want to be near, yet I cant ask for help. that's when I saw it - or felt it - it was distant and warm and real. "this isn't real" I murmured 

bucky-"what" he laughed as he spoke, he was just as confused as I was, just as naive.

I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out in time, before I new it a metal man towering everybody's height emerged from the shadows, he seemed so familiar.

Ultron-"how's your fake life going y/n" his voice. oh god. hewasinmyhead, he was in, my. head. "oh no, you were in mine." he sounded as though he was smirking but his face didn't allow it, his face didnt show anything but worthless metal Tony put together-

wait. that hasn't happened since I've been here but i know for a fact it did happen, I'm certain it did.

I looked at the tram for support but no one was there, the room was empty with just me and the robotic idiot that's speaking to me like I know what the fucks going on. 

Ultron-"there dying you know, your poisoning them as we speak, they can see and hear you but they have no control. there trapped in there mind with your pain, your memories. no more secrets for you once this is done, if any of them survive they'll know everything, they want want you after that"

y/n-"okay rewind, what the fuck are you going on about" I stared in confusion which only deepened as the bot stepped forward repeating himself over and over again

ultron-"wake up, wake up, wake up. you'll die, you'll die, you'll die. it's you or them or them or you. . . . what will the devil do when hell freezes over? he'll come for you, for you, for you"

I blasted him out the window as he finished, ripping his metal body apart, tearing the limbs with enjoyment. then, silence.

I stumbled backwards as my emotions washed over me, emotions I didn't understand why I had, the grief, denial, sadness it was all so out of the blue. Life is good, everyones happy I made sure of it- wait what?

bucky-"hey do you wanna pick up where we left off" where the hell did he come from.

before I could answer, before I could spill all the questions I so desperately need answering his lips were on mine, his hands roaming my body, mine roaming his. And suddenly all the mayhem, all the emotions were gone.

~

The next morning Tony was busy with thor, Steve and Natasha, trying to track down the person responsible for Lokis death -I think that was his name anyway- bucky had left for training leaving me to get ready for the day, I couldn't shake the feeling I'd forgotten something important, like my body was longing for the sense of deja-vu.

remember, there dying, help them 

I stared at my reflection, who was I, why was I so unrecognisable, my skin was scarless did I not used to have scars? my hair was shorter than I'd thought it was, my eyes darker. I moved a ball of green energy between my fingers as I contemplated my life, had I ever been outside of the compound? where had I come from? how old am I?

you made a mistake, i made a mistake, fix it.

that's when I caught a flash of green in the corner of my eye, the wall had some sort of energy hovering over it, you'd never notice it if-if it wasn't your magic. My eyes widened in realisation. I was in my room, I was in my fucking room! A-and then I was crying, bucky was there but then he wasn't, t-then-then I. oh my god, I didn't.

"you did" was that Jarvis?

Focus y/n, connect with your mind and fix this deal with the consequences later. I took a deep breath as my chest pulsed with my magic, hurling me up into the air, storming around me, I felt my magic return to me from the teams mind, I felt it release them. I felt there relief, there freedom. As that happened the line between what was real and fake became clear, so clear it frightened me that ultron had manipulated me in such a way I didn't even know myself. with the memories came the emotions, the trauma.

loki.

I couldn't help it, as I remembered his eyes looking into mine as I ripped his life away, I screamed. I didn't stop screaming until I felt all my magic return, one by one I watched as my team mates fell to the floor unconscious and I soon followed.

~

"NO, NO, NOT HIM, PLEASE NOT HIM" his hands cupped my face, I couldn't feel it, but I could imagine the comfort it would have brung me if I could.

"it's okay my love, this isn't you, don't blame yourself it will ruin you"  he smiled softly at me as I pleased with my mind to give me control over my body, I can imagine how confused he must be, how emotionless my face must look. 

~

I woke up soaked in sweat.

The team were passed out on the floor around me, were we out, did I fix things.

silence.

I'll take that as a yes considering ultron isn't replying to my thoughts like a CREEP. Thats when my eyes fell on him, his fare skin somehow paler, his hair flopped over his face, he was so still you'd think he was- he was. 

I killed loki.

I killed my best friend.

The team cant find out, I'll lie, I'll have to. I cant get thrown out again, I cant live without buckys love, or nats sister like tendencies o-or steves stress relieving hugs. but I cant live without loki, how can I function without seeing him when I walk into a room, or when i thinks back to our adventures together in Asgard, how can I feel anything other than grief when his blood is on my hands. this greaf is the type of grief that will only go away for a slit second before death, because I know even in death I will pay for my sin, I will pay by the memories, the feelings.

Steve-"what the hell happened"

I turned to see the team waking up, I didnt asnwer him, I didnt look at him, I tried to keep away from looking at anyone in the eyes. that was until I caught Wandas fearful look, I watched tears form in her eyes and fear take over his voice, we were both frozen pleading silently with each other. my eyes begged her to keep her mouth shut and her eyes begged me to tell her why I did it.

why did I kill him? why did I create a reality worse than the last? am I so selfish that I did this just for buckys love? 

how can I blame Ultron....when It was me all along.