Scarlett Ngcobo

Chapter 41

I couldn't sleep last night. I kept on seeing their faces. It was torture! It was a nightmare. I looked at Lutendo and he.. I couldn't tell what was going through his mind. Kele was just too quiet. It was a graveyard in my room. I was lost in my thoughts, when Kele tried to touch me and I freaked out.
“Sorry. I didn't mean to. Askies.” she said. “I wanted to let you know that I'm quickly going to get coffee. Okay?”
I just nodded.
“It's fine Keletso, I'll go and get the coffee. Stay with her.”
I don't want him to go. I feel safe when he is here. I held his hand. “Please don't leave me. Please..” he sat down.
“We need to call your parents. They have to know.”
“I know..” I faced another direction. “I know but I can't tell them. Someone can do it not me. I just can't.”
Kele walked in and she looked tired. I don't know what's going to happen to me when they leave because they have to go to work tomorrow.
An hour later after the police arrived and took my statement. My parents and brothers rushed in. Just laying her eyes on me, she cried. My mom cried like she did a few years ago when I slept on a different bed in a different hospital. For a similar trauma. Lutendo excused himself to give me space with my parents.
If I had just stayed home. None of this would be happening. I should've stayed at home and cried. None of this would have happened. If only I didn't go out to drink until I couldn't open my own car. This wouldn't have happened.
“My baby. Oh my baby.” my mom cried hysterically. I tried being strong but.. seeing her break down like that. I fell apart. My dad just stood by the door. He has not said a thing, since they have arrived. My brothers too.
Kele rushed out of the room. I don't blame her. She has never seen me like this before. My mom really tried to hug me but.. the pain. The pain couldn't be ignored. I looked at my dad again and I saw tears in his eyes. My strong dad. My hero. My strength. My heaven on earth was breaking down. He slowly walked to me but turned and walked out again.
“Khanyi?”
“Bhuti.”
“Kodwa Ngani kaMah!” he spoke with pain. “They will pay! Whoever is the reason for you being here. They will pay!”
My forever bubbly brother, Msizi had nothing to say. Probably remembering how I looked the last time he had to rush to the hospital because I had been violated.

Don't.. please don't... Don't hurt me again please.
“Khanyisile.”
No! No! No...
“Nana vuka.”
Another bad dream. I looked around and my dad was holding me. “It's just a bad dream nana. A bad dream. Go back to sleep.”
I shook my head no. “I can't sleep again. I'll never be able to sleep like a normal person again. It's not fair Baba! Why me? What wrong have I done?”
“Shhh Khanyi. Thula ngani yami. Kuzolunga.”
“Nini Baba? I can't live like this.”
“One day at a time Nana. It will be okay.”
“It will never be okay. I even lost my baby!
The door opened and mom walked in. “What baby?”
“They took the chance of me being a mom away from me. They left me bare. I was pregnant and I didn't know. If maybe I knew I was pregnant, I would've stayed at home. This wouldn't have...”
My mom stopped me from talking any further. “Stop blaming yourself! This is not your fault. It will never be your fault. Okay?”
“My baby mom. My baby. What if I won't be able to have more children? I don't want to live.”
“Stop talking like that Khanyi. You will have more children. Stop talking like this. Please.”
“I'm going to call her doctor.” my dad said leaving the room.
I was hysterical. A crying mess. The nurse had to give me something to calm me down. It knocked me out for a good two hours. Two hours where I didn't see their faces. I didn't hear their voices. I was at peace. That's how I wanted to live. In peace. Not pain. Until I woke up. Back to reality.
Lutendo walked in with Kele. “What's wrong?”
“I'm from the police station.” Lutendo said.
“Don't tell me they let them free. My life is in danger.”
“Khanyisile calm down. The officer in charge of your case said, it was an open and shut case. No need for endless court cases. There were many rape and theft cases opened against them.”
I sighed from relief. “No need for me to testify?”
He nodded. “You won't have to see them again. Your statement and medical report from your doctor was enough to put them away. There was enough evidence and Tumelo’s statement also helped.”
“Who is Tumelo?” Msizi asked Lutendo.
“If it wasn't for him. I would be dead.” I replied Msizi. “Where's Kele?”
“I told her to go home and rest a bit. She was here the entire night. She'll come back later.” Mom.

It was getting dark and I knew that my demons were coming to fetch me. My doctor told everyone in my room, that they needed to leave. I needed a bit of space to breathe. Only one or two people could stay. My mom stayed behind.
“How's the bleeding?” Dr Luna asked.
“It's not severe like last night. It's better.”
“And the abdominal pains? Still painful to a point where it's hard to breathe?”
“The pain is still there but it's bearable.”
“How long are you going to keep her here doctor?” my mom asked.
“She's going to be here for a while longer. Her ribs might take longer to heal. As soon as she starts recovering, I'll let her go. After a few days we'll do another ultrasound scan to be certain that there's no more remains of the pregnancy in your womb. Okay?”
I exhaled sharply. “I understand doctor.”
“A nurse will bring you your medicine.” than she left.
“Are you comfortable? Do you need anything? You haven't ate anything. I'll ask your dad to bring you something.”
“Mom, I'm okay. As okay as I could be. I'm not hungry. I can't stomach anything right now.”
“What happened baby? I know it's too soon. But what went wrong. Does your girlfriend know about this?”
I slowly turned and faced another direction.
“Kleintjie?” (little one.)
“I don't want to talk about Jasmin.”
Did you two fight? It can't be that ba..”
“Mom just stop! Just stop okay. Stop talking about her. We're no longer together. Don't even ask me why.” I let the tears drop to my pillow.
“I'm sorry baby. I didn't mean to upset you. I'm quickly going to the bathroom okay?”
I just kept quiet. As soon as I heard that she left. I cried out loudly. I have been patiently waiting for everyone to leave. I just want to cry in peace. Them being here, is a constant reminder of my stupidity. I had a lot of people I could go to and vent. Instead I chose alcohol! I should've sent my location to Kele. So many “I should have!”
“Khanyi?”
I quickly wiped my tears. I didn't even hear the door open.
“Yeah?” with a cracking voice.
“No one is going to judge you because you're crying. Cry all you want.”
“I don't want to cry.” I said to Lutendo. “I don't want to. I should've just stayed at home and waited for you to call me.”
“Hey. Don't do that to yourself. There's no way you could have known, this was going to happen. You're allowed to drink as much as you want. No one should go through what you went through because they drank way too much. It not your fault.”
“It is my fault Lutendo. If it's not mine then who?”
“Them. They are at fault. Why should it be your fault?”
“It's my fault because I went out to drink by myself. Me knowing how unsafe it is for women to have fun by themselves. It's all my fault! I could've prevented this.”
He tried to touch me but he quickly let go.
“You see! Now you can't even touch or hold me because of this.”
“It's still not your fault. Please stop blaming yourself.”
“Lutendo you don't understand!”
“Make me understand. Make me.”
I wiped my tears and looked at him. Why did I feel so safe around him?
“I can't tell you yet. Maybe one day..”
“Whatever it is that you will tell me, won't change how I feel about you. I know right now.. this is not what you want to hear. I just want you to know that we will get over this. It might not be tomorrow but one day, one day this will just be a memory okay.”
My mom walked in. “I have to leave now okay. I'll see you tomorrow.”
“Don't leave because of me.” Mom.
“It's not because of you, Mrs Ngcobo. It was lovely meeting you even though it is under such circumstances. I'll see you tomorrow Khanyisile.” he left.