Scarlett Ngcobo

Chapter 42

I'm finally being discharged today. I won't lie, it's been a week of hell in here. Sleepless nights. Not being able to eat. Lutendo has been spending most of his time here. Rendani has also come to see me but I asked that the guys don't come and see me. I'm still not comfortable around most males. I haven't made the appointment to see my therapist just yet. I'm not ready to unpack what happened last week. If it were up to me, I wouldn't see her at all.
The door opened, Dr Luna walked in. “How is my patient feeling today?”
“I'm alive that's all that matters right?”
“Have you made that appointment to see your therapist?”
I sighed. “I will.”
She sat next to me and held my hand. “Listen Khanyisile, the sooner you deal with this the better for you. I'm not saying you will forget what happened to you, but you will start functioning a little bit better. Like a normal person.”
“As I said Dr Luna, I will. Stop trying to force therapy down my throat! I'm the one who was violated. I'm the one having sleepless nights. Can't I just make sense of what transpired first before that therapy?”
“It was not my intention to make you feel cornered. I just wanted to help.”
“I appreciate your help. Everything you have done to this point. I do. But it's enough now. Just.. stop crowding me.” I removed my hand from hers.

The door slightly opened and Lutendo snuck his head in. “Is it safe to enter?” I just nodded.
“I have your blood results. Can I tell you the results in front of him or?” Dr Luna.
“It's fine doctor. Let's just get this over with.”
“Okay. There's no pregnancy, STIs and HIV but you still need to take the antiretroviral treatment for the remaining week and few days. Don't forget the painkillers for those ribs. Don't do any heavy lifting. Those ribs haven't healed. Please take care of yourself, I'll see you in two weeks time.”
“I brought you something.”
I just shrugged my shoulders.
He held a tray of blueberry muffins and a teddy bear. “I noticed how you used to enjoy these muffins at work. Maybe they will cheer you up?”
“Thank you.”
“The staff wanted to buy flowers and fruit baskets but they didn't want to overwhelm you.”
I looked at him with a blank face. “Does everyone know that I was raped?”
“No.. no they don't. I just said you were involved in an accident.”
Two hours later I was discharged. My parents came to fetch me. We had an argument first before we left the hospital. They thought I would be moving back home, but I wanted to be at my own apartment. When Kele is at work, I'll have time to breathe. At home, both my parents will be there. My brothers checking in.
“Dr Luna said, you have not made any appointment to see a therapist?”
“Mom, please. Not now.”
“But baby if..” my dad held her hand and shook his head. I just looked outside as we drove to the apartment. I let the tears drop.
“Do you want something to eat nana?”
“No.”
I went straight to my room when we arrived. I didn't want to sit down with anyone and have any small talks. Kele must have cleaned up the room. It was tidy and there was a new mirror. The pain medication they gave me, made me feel drowsy. I climbed the bed and I fell asleep..

*Flashback*
“Yeyi wena vula amathanga!” (open your thighs!)
“Please don't.. you can take the car.” I tried to crawl away. He held me by the throat and squeezed my throat tightly.
“Next time you won't go out alone okay?” he said all that as he squeezed my throat tighter and thrusted in and out of my vagina. He spat saliva in his hand and stroked his penis. He lifted my butt up and slid into my anus. I let out a scream. A painful scream. I felt my soul leaving my body...
*End of flashback*

It felt so real. It felt like they were here. I looked around hoping to spot them in the dark. As much as I was in pain, I quickly got up and peeped through the window to see if they were there. My heart beat abnormally. It beat so loud, It felt like I had just ran a marathon. I put my head against the window to cool me down. I don't know what happened to my old phone. I was using a new phone. I have not been on social media. What if someone saw what happened and now everyone might know. I felt another panic attack arising. I counted backwards from 20. A trick I learnt from Dr Puoentle.
My old diary had her numbers in it. I searched in the boxes until I found it. The numbers were still there. I just saved them, for when I need them.
“Khanyi?”
I ignored my mom at the door.
“Please open, I brought you some soup. You have to eat.”
I still didn't open my door.
“Me and your dad are leaving okay. I'll leave your soup in the microwave. Please eat something. We love you.” Mom.
I needed to keep busy. If I just sat in my room, I would lose my mind. I unpacked my closet. I repacked all my clothes, except for all my short dresses and skirts. Everything I knew I wouldn't be able to wear again. Anything that revealed skin. I'm not giving other men, more reason to assault me. I put everything in boxes. I shouldn't be drinking more painkillers but due to the back pain that I had. I drank two more. I fell asleep again.

It felt like someone was knocking on the door. I ignored it and tried to sleep again but there was another knock..
“Chommie?”
“Yeah?”
“You haven't ate anything. Please come and eat. Even if it's only a few spoons. Please chommie.”
“Okay.” as I opened the door, she was still standing there. “Really? I said I'm coming.” I walked passed her.
“Chommie, listen.” she tried to touch me, I started screaming;
“Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Just leave me..” she looked frightened. I looked around and I had broke a vase that was nearby. I crumbled to the floor and started crying. She sat next to me and asked if it's okay to hold me. I nodded.
“I'm sorry Khanyi. I shouldn't have tried to touch you, without asking first. I'm really sorry.” I cried until I couldn't anymore. We stood up and ate at the balcony. After eating Kele went inside to wash the dishes. I stood up and held the rail of the balcony. I looked down. Something inside me, wanted me to jump. Jump and be free. A part of me wanted to fight. Fight until I didn't need to anymore.
“Khanyi, please move away from there.”
I turned to look at her. “I'm not going to jump.”
“I shouldn't have left you out there by yourself. Please get inside. Khanyi?”
“If I wanted to jump, I would've long done that.” I walked back in. “I'm going back to bed.”
“I was hoping we could watch a movie?”
“No.”