Scarlett Ngcobo

Chapter 43

Two weeks later...

The good news is that I can finally stop taking the antiretroviral treatment. I took another HIV test and it was negative. My ribs were also healing. Slower than they should but there's progress. Physically, I was healing. The bruises were still visible though. Emotionally, I was struggling.
“Ms Ngcobo, I'm impressed with your progress. The ribs are not healing as I had hoped but eventually they will heal.” Dr Luna.
“Do I still need to come here for more blood tests?”
“No. Everything besides the ribs, is okay. I'll prescribe new painkillers. Any questions?”
“I have been having back pains and headaches.”
“Do you get dizzy spells as well?”
“Yes.”
“It's the after effects of the antiretroviral and painkillers combined. As I said, I'll prescribe other pain meds. Okay?”

I have been meaning to call Dr Puoentle, but I keep on trying to convince myself that I'm okay. I can do this by myself.
“What did the doctor say about the ribs nana?”
“She said they will eventually heal. She also prescribed new meds as well.”
We were still in the parking lot. “Ntokazi yami?”
“Baba?”
“I love you so much. Ngiyak’ thanda ndodakazi yami. Don't you ever forget that okay?”
“Yebo baba.”
“You will heal. It might not be today or tomorrow but you will smile again. I want.. actually I need you to start seeing your therapist..”
“Kodwa Baba..”
“It's for your own good, sthandwa sami. I don't want you bottling your emotions. You need to start your healing process. For that to happen..”
“I know dad. I know.”
“You have me, your mom, your brothers and your friends to help you through this difficult time.” he started chuckling. “You also have Lutendo.” he looked at me while saying that.
“Why are you looking at me like that Baba?”
“He reminds me of myself when your mom used to drive me crazy.” he shook his head. “The way he looks at you. He adores you.”
“Ihaba kodwa Ngcobo.” we both laughed.
“I have missed that laugh. Do you and Kele have everything that you need at the apartment? Food? Rent?”
“We have everything Myeni ka Angelique.”
“Let's get you home. Don't forget to call Dr Puoentle.” I sighed.

The new meds, were not strong as the previous one's. They didn't knock me out. The past few days I have managed to sleep. Sleep well without any nightmares. Maybe four pills will work, I said to myself.
An hour later and I was still awake. I was tired of repacking my clothes. I got up to take a shower. Opening the medicine cabinet, I found razor blades. I quickly locked the bathroom door, undressed and sat in the bathtub. “God forgive me for this.”
I started making cuts on my wrists. Once I started, I couldn't stop. Cut after cut, until I felt numb.
“Khanyi, someone is here to see you.”
“I'm coming.” I felt so light. I felt at peace, but my wrists were on fire. They were so painful. I let the cold water run on my wrists, thinking that would help.
Another knock. “Khanyi, you're still busy?”
“I said I'm coming! Who is this person of yours? I don't want to see anyone. Tell that person to leave.” I bandaged my wrists before going back to my room to get dressed. Walking to the lounge, I found Rendani sitting on the couch. I felt emotional. I'm used to seeing only Kele and my parents on a daily basis. Seeing her just put a smile on my face.
“Can I give you a hug?”
“Please.”
“Sorry for only coming now. I didn't want to overwhelm you. I also didn't know how to comfort you.”
“It's okay, you're here now.”
She wiped her tears. “I'm so sorry you went through what you went through. No female should go through what you went through. It's not fair!”
“Life has never been fair Rendz. It's never been. What can we do? We just soldier on, and try to swim with the sharks.”
“Kieran said I should tell you that, you will get through this. Hy is lief vir jou.” (he loves you.)
“Tell him I love him too. I'm tired now. I'm going to sleep. Thanks for the visit, I appreciate it.”

The following morning, I had this urge to go out and bask in the sun. I just wanted to take a five minute walk. Sooner or later, I will have to face the outside world. I made it to the academy but I could not walk in. I just stood outside before going to a coffee shop. Walking inside was the easy part, or so I thought. The noise from everyone, people going in and out freaked me out. I stood in the middle, sweating profusely. I started hearing voices. Their voices. I tried counting from backwards but that didn't help.
“Excuse me, ma’am but you're standing in the way.” a waitress said.
I tried to move but I was glued to the spot. “Are you deaf or something? There's enough empty chairs in here. Please go take a seat somewhere.” a customer said.
All I heard was; “you will beg for it. I will make you enjoy it. You're so tight! No one is coming to rescue you. Thula sfebe!”
“I really don't understand why someone would just stand in the middle of the room. Please move.” a manly voice said. He also tried to get me to move.
“No! Please don't hurt me. Please don't.. please.. please.”
“Hey! What's wrong with you? Just move lady!” he tried to move me again.
I started screaming. I felt them touching me all over again. Their sweaty palms and fingers. “Please tell him to leave me alone.” I started crying. I don't know how and when I sat down but I kept on rocking myself back and forth. “Please get them away from me.. get them to stop. Just let me go..”
“What's wrong with her? Is she on drugs? Someone call the manager! She is high on drugs. We are paying customers, we can't be here with drug addicts as well.” a female voice said.
“I don't think she's on drugs. She doesn't look like someone on drugs.” another female voice. she came closer and tried to touch me. I moved to a corner in the coffee shop. “I'm not going to hurt you, I'm Kylie. Can I call someone for you?”
“Tell them to leave me alone. Please tell them to stop. Tell them to stop touching me!”
“Hey, no one is going to hurt you. Okay. Do you have a phone on you?”
I nodded. I unlocked the phone and gave it to her.
“Do you think someone hurt her? She looks frightened.” that manly voice again. He came closer again and I continued to cry. “I'm really sorry if I frightened you.” he tried touching me.
“No! Leave me alone.” I said through hiccups. “Please..”
“Sir please don't touch her.” Kylie said. She crouched a distance away from me. “I called someone named Kele? She'll be here okay.”
I continued to rock myself forth and back. I was in my own world. No one from this world existed there, except for me. I was happy there. No one could hurt me. I could see my daughter from where I was sitting. She looked so happy and at peace. I stood up from where I was sitting, tried to touch her but I couldn't. Everytime I tried to touch her, she moved back. I kept on trying but got the same results.
“Khanyi?” the voice sounded so nearby and was familiar. I ignored the voice and ran after my daughter. The more I ran after her, the nearer the voice got. I stopped and looked back. It was Kele standing next to my parents. On the other side, it was my daughter.
“Khanyisile!”
I snapped out of it and looked around. Kele was here. People were staring at me, as if I'm mentally ill.
“Chommie why did you leave without telling me? It's too early. Get up, let's go back home.”
It all came back to me. I had an episode. All I wanted to do, is get out and start living like a normal human being. I don't want this. I stood up and left with her.