Scarlett Ngcobo

Chapter 46

After calming down, Dr Puoentle, stopped our session. She didn't want me to continue. Afraid that I would get another panic attack. Reliving that day again was torture. I didn't think I would be able to. This is the first time I've managed to tell the entire details. When I first started our sessions, years back, I couldn't tell her all the details. It was still raw in my mind but yet so far buried in my mind. All I wanted was to forget what had happened that day.
Telling her the bits and pieces of that day, angered me! I wanted to scream and shout but it felt like something heavy was blocking me from doing that. I was still so young. I didn't know what to do with my emotions.
“Here drink some of this tea. It will help calm you down.”
“Thank you. I'm sorry about earlier. I thought I'm okay but it seems that I'm not.
“Firstly, don't apologize for things you cannot control. You had to relive something that happened in your past. That shows your strength. You're not that young fragile girl, who pushed everything to the back of her mind. You're pushing through the pain right now.” she held my hand. “Khanyisile, you're one strong young lady. How you hold your head high and do everything in your power to fetch your life. That's strength. The pain you've been through, no human should go through it. A woman shouldn't be made to feel that it's her fault she got raped. You're not a victim, but a survivor. Once you get over the ‘blaming yourself’ for what happened, the healing process gets better. From that young age, you showed me how strong you were. You managed to go to Varsity and study. You didn't let that incident stop you from achieving your goals.
You will never forget what happened to you, but you will learn how to live with what happened to you.” Dr Puoentle said.
“How did you get over what happened to you?”
She smiled while looking at me. “Unlike you, I was not strong. I didn't have any support. It was me against my pain. No one in the family believed me. I was labelled as the ‘black sheep’ in the family. My own mother, who carried me for nine months did not believe me. They made me believe that, I was crazy for thinking my uncle was violating me. I became an angry child. I didn't trust anyone. I had no ambitions. Another blow, was when I was sick and found out that I'm pregnant.” Dr Puoentle

“Wow. This world is full of sick people. What happened?”
“I aborted. How was I going to explain to my child, that his father is my uncle? I met my parents at that clinic.”
Okay now I was confused. “What do you mean, you met your parents at the clinic? Were you adopted?”
She started laughing. “As I said my mom did not believe me. Mme Kganya was there for some program they used to have for teenagers back then. She used to give back to the community, she and Papa.” she smiled talking about her parents. “One of the older nurses was shocked about my situation. For the first time, someone believed me. She didn't judge me or make it seem as if I was at fault. It felt so surreal. She let me cry all I wanted. She introduced me to Mme Kganya, and I'm forever grateful to that nurse. Long story short, Mme Kganya and Papa, treated me like their daughter. They were there throughout the entire process of terminating the pregnancy, the aftermath and me opening a case against my uncle. Everyone in the family disowned me. I was called names. They took me in. They had four older children, I didn't think they would welcome me.” Dr Puoentle.

“So they adopted you and gave you a home? That's so big of them.”
“They did and I took their surname. They took me to therapy, they loved me, they did everything as a family. Therapy didn't work in one day. Some days I didn't want to go. But because of the amount of patience they had, I soldiered on. They bought this office space for me. I wouldn't have all of this, if they didn't believe in me.” she looked at the time. “Time is up, I'll see you on our next session.”
“Thank you for telling me your story.” I hugged her and left.
I walked to Lutendo and told him we could go.

“How was your session?”
“Better than I had anticipated. I had a panic attack at some point, but I'm glad I unpacked what happened to me back then.”
“It's good to see you smile again. I never thought I would see that beautiful smile ever again.”
“Some days are better than the other. Rollercoaster feelings.”
He held my hand whilst driving. This felt right. It didn't feel forced or unsettling. I liked how, when we stopped at the robots he would look at me with so much adoration.
“Do you want something to eat?”
“Yeah.”
He must have noticed how unsettled I looked when he asked that. “I can drive you home, then go out and buy you something to eat?”
“I would love that. I really want to go and eat out, but I'm afraid. What if I have an episode like the last time?”
“It's okay. When you're ready, we'll go out. Stop pressurizing yourself. Wait what do you mean by you had an episode? When was this?”
I pretended to not hear him until we arrived at the apartment.

He drove all the way back to Joe's Burger Hub, in Rosebank to buy me their stacked up burger, fries and caramel milkshake. I smiled like a thief after snatching someone's handbag.
“This is perfect. Thank you.”
“Is Kele home?”
“No. Her grandmother is sick, very sick. She had to go to Taung to see her.”
“So you're all by yourself? Why don't you go to your parents home or your brother?”
“I'm okay Lutendo. I have my therapist's number on speed dial. I can't always live in fear, that's not fair.”
“Okay, I'll sleep over. I'll feel much better knowing you're safe.”
“That's not necessary. I'm really okay.”
“I'm not taking no for an answer Ms Ngcobo.”
I smiled. I missed hearing him say that.
“Why are you smiling?”
“Promise me you won't laugh.”
Did the fool not laugh!
“Lutendo!”
“I'm sorry, I promise I won't laugh.”
“I'm no longer going to tell you.”
“That's not fair. I promised I won't laugh.” he said that still laughing.
“Why are you still laughing?”
He started tickling me. “You will tell me the truth.”
“Haibo Lutendo! Come on that's ticklish. Lutendo.” I said in between laughs. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop laughing like a hyena. I fell off the couch and he followed. He was on top, his weight on top of mine, and his cologne intoxicating me. Our faces so close to one another. Heartbeat against heartbeat. Our lips, seconds away from touching. I could feel something in his pants getting excited.
He cleared his throat and got off me. “I'm sorry about that. Where's the bathroom?”
“First door on your right.”
I burst into laughter, the minute the bathroom door closed. What was that?! I got up to go and make myself chamomile tea. When I turned around, he was standing behind me.
“Fuck! When did you get here?” I held my chest.
“I didn't mean to scare you.”
“Do you want some tea or coffee?”
“Coffee please. Black and no sugar.”
I brought his coffee and muffins my mom baked.
“I'm quickly going to shower. If you need something, just shout.”
“Okay.”
In my room after taking a shower, I wondered where he was going to sleep. He is too big for the couch. Those are two seater couches. I looked at my bed. It's big enough for two. I wore my pyjamas and joined him in the lounge.
“I would offer you my blue pyjamas, but they won't fit.” we both laughed.
“The shade Ms Ngcobo. I can feel it over here.”
“Will they fit? I can bring them.” I pretended to turn to fetch them.
He grabbed me by the waist. He is so quick! He quickly removed them again. “I was just joking, I know they won't fit.”
“We are going to have to share my bed. These couches are not suitable for sleeping on.”
“I'm not fussy. I can sleep on the floor.”
“No!” he looked at me. “I really don't mind. I'll sleep much better knowing that, you're comfortable.”
“If you insist.”
“I do. I'll stick to my side and you do the same. Let's go.”

It was awkward in the bedroom. I got underneath the covers and stuck to my side of the bed. I watched him undress. I tried not to watch but my eyes travelled to his body. Hot body.
He found me staring. He raised a brow. “What?”
I just shook my head. He also got under the covers. We just lay in silence. I looked at him again.
“Khanyisile what's wrong? If you're uncomfortable, I really don't mind sleeping on the floor.”
“No, it's really nothing. I'm good. I'm okay.”
He turned off the side lamp on his side, turned to my direction. “You're good?”
I swallowed before nodding.
“Do you want me to hold you, until you fall asleep?”
I moved closer to him. I inhaled his scent. I wanted every little piece of him. He held me tightly. I don't know why, but a tear dropped. I quickly wiped it away but more tears followed. He immediately switched on the side lamp.
“Hey. What's wrong now? Talk to me.”
“I.. I don't know why I'm crying.” I said in between hiccups. “I just.. I just.. I have no idea.”
He wiped my tears away. “Shh...Shh it's okay, I'm here. Nothing is going to happen okay. I'm here, calm down.” he lightly pecked me on the forehead, and brushed my back. I started calming down and feeling sleepy.
He pecked me again and it was lights out for me.

“Ndi a ni funa.” (I love you.) Lutendo.