Scarlett Ngcobo

Chapter 47

My ringing phone woke me up from my peaceful sleep.
“Hello?” the person just kept quiet. I also kept quiet before I dropped the call.
I looked at the hot mess on my bed. I wanted to scream and giggle but he looked so peaceful, I decided not to. The sunlight kissed his dark skin beautifully, I had to take some pictures of him.
I slowly got out of bed, went to the bathroom to take a leak. I washed my hands before heading to the kitchen to make us breakfast. I don't even know what he likes or dislikes. Everyone likes eggs and bacon right?
I made us eggs, bacon, mushrooms and toast. I know he likes his coffee black with no sugar, that counts for something. I took the breakfast outside at the balcony. “Oops!” I bumped into Lutendo. “You're up? I was about to come and wake you up.”
“Something smells nice.” He walked past me and poured himself a cup of coffee and gulped down half of the coffee. He turned and looked at me. “You were saying?”
I looked at him with a bored expression. “How did you sleep?”
We both sat down and dished up for ourselves. “I slept so good.” he said that shoving bacon into his mouth. Everything about him was sexy. From how he spoke to how he chewed his food. “Khanyisile!”
“Huh?.. you were saying?”
“Did you sleep well, no bad dreams?”
“I slept okay.” I heaved a sigh and drank my juice.
“Are you sure?”
I just nodded. “Are you sleeping over today as well?”
The fool started laughing. A deep throaty laugh! Can a person be so sexy, unprovoked?
“Do you want me to?”
“Yes.” I said that with no hesitation.

After our breakfast, Lutendo had to go back to his apartment to get fresh clothes. I stood at the balcony watching people and cars passing by. How I wished I could go out, just for a few minutes to breathe. I missed my morning jogs and going to the academy. Right now, I would be driving to my parents home or to Bonginkosi, but I'm afraid. I have not used my car ever since that night. I missed my life, the clubbing and meeting new people. How I wanted to jump from where I was standing. I didn't want to die, just a deep sleep where my past won't haunt me. Some days are not bad. I can sleep peacefully without seeing them. On other days.. on other days I have to fight them. I have to fight so hard not to let them steal the little bit of sanity that I have.
I gave Kele a call.
“Chommie!”
“Mmata waka.”
“Is everything okay there? I shouldn't have left you there by yourself. My grandmother is better, I can...”
I stopped her from going any further. “No you're not coming here. I told you that I'm okay. Kele at some point I have to start living.”
“I know that babe, but...”
“No but, I'm fine. Anyways.. Lutendo is here.”
She started screaming. I shouldn't have told her that. “The Lutendo that I know?”
“Yes.”
“Where did he sleep because he won't fit on our couches? You don't even fit and you're tiny.”
“I'm not tiny! He slept on my bed.”
Silence.
I removed the phone from my ear to see if I had not mistakenly cut the call. “Kele?”
“I'm still here Chommie.”
“Spit it out!”
“Is it not soon to be in a relationship? I'm not judging though. I just hope that you're sure with what you're about to start.”
She did have a point. “We're not dating, not that I would mind, but we not. He came to see me and you were not here. He offered to sleep over.”
“Such a gentleman. Chommie, you know I've been vouching for you and him, since we saw him the first time. The minute you feel better and ready to date again, it better be him!”
I heard someone calling her in the background. “You can go Mmata, we'll talk later.”
I took a shower and wore a pink flowy dress. I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. This is a good start. It was just below the knee. I have been wearing sweat pants and sweaters ever since the incident. My ribs had healed but I still had some dark marks to show where my bruises were.
I wanted to take the dress off but I didn't. I did two cornrows on my hair and admired myself again. “One day at a time MaNgcobo. One day at a time.” I said to myself.
I took a few pictures before taking a nap.

Waking up from my nap, the first thing that I did was to check my phone for messages. Nothing. I sighed as I got up and went to the kitchen to cook dinner. Maybe he won't come anymore. I seasoned the meat before it went into the oven, then I made some chakalaka. I will cook the pap last.
I went back to my room and removed the box that was in the closet. The box had new memories. Jasmin was now part of my past. Everything she had once bought me, was inside this box as well.

*Flashback*
“I love you so much Khanyi. Words can't express how much I love you.”
I smiled looking at her. I gave her a peck on the lips. “I love you too baby.”
“I hope I don't break your heart...”
“What did you say baby?”
“Uhm.. nothing.”
“Okay.”
I'm taking you out for dinner later.
Where are you taking me?
“Just look cute.” she wrapped her arms around my waist, before leaving wet kisses on my neck.
“Baby..” she slowly removed the shirt dress that I had on.
“Bend a little for me. I want to give you a little taste on what to expect tonight.”
*End of flashback*

I quickly closed the box and returned it where it was. I opened the windows to get some air. How did I not see the signs? Calm down. Just breathe.
In the midst of me trying to calm myself I heard a soft knock on the door. I went to open.
“I'm back!”
“I see.” I left the door wide open for him to enter. I checked on my pots and everything was ready, except for the pap.
He stood behind me and put his big head on my shoulder. His cologne. Why am I so comfortable around Lutendo so much? I continued stirring my maize into my boiling water.
“Are you angry MaNgcobo?”
A smile formed on my lips.
“Why would I be?”
“Because I disappeared without a word.”
“I know you also have a life to live, instead of babysitting me.”
He quickly turned me around. “Hey, look at me.. look at me. I would rather be here with you than anywhere else. Have I not made that clear that I don't mind being with you?”
“You have.” I said in a low tone.
“My brothers decided to show up, unannounced at my place. I couldn't just avoid them. I should have left a message for you, that was my mistake.”
“I understand.” I tried walking away but he pulled me in for a hug. A very tight hug. On the inside I was doing the zekethe and vosho!
“Are we good?”
“Yeah.”
We had our dinner in silence before retiring to bed.
“Khanyisile?”
I turned and looked at him. “Yeah?”
“What's on your mind?”
“Do you think it's possible for anyone to genuinely love a woman like me?”
“I don't think I understand what you're trying to ask.”
I got up and sat on my butt. “Most of the time, females like me are called damaged goods. We are not worthy to be loved. We have been tainted.”
He also got up and the frown on his face. “If someone truly loves you, they won't hold what happened to you, against you. It's not your fault that you were violated. It will never be your fault. I believe that someone can genuinely love you or any other women who has been violated.”
“Would you love someone who has been violated?”
“Come here..” he tapped his side of the bed. I moved closer. “Where is all of this coming from?”
“I'm just asking out of curiosity. So?”
“I always follow my heart. If it beats for a woman who has been violated, then I'm listening to my heart. Khanyisile?”
I looked at him, waiting for him to continue.
“I.. uhm... Nevermind, let's sleep now it's late.”
“Can you just hold me until I fall asleep?”
He nodded.

No.. mhm.. please don't. Pleaseee
“Khanyi?”
No!
“Wake up.”
I looked around trying to familiarise myself with the room I was in. I was sweaty and my heart! My heart was racing. Lutendo gave me a glass of water. “Here, drink this.”
I held the glass with shaky hands. I had tears streaming down my face. “Lutendo I can't live like this. I can't.. why can't they leave me alone? I.. I .. I want my life back.” I said in between hiccups. “I was doing okay.. I felt better, now this? I just want to die.. this is not a life that I want.”
“Don't say that Khanyisile. Come here.. I'll hold you.. calm down, must I call your therapist for you.”
I shook my head no. “She's not here, she had to go to Nelspruit. I just want to take a cold shower, I'll feel better.”
“Okay, are you hungry?”
I didn't answer him. I went to take my shower but before I showered, I cut myself first. I was numb and in pain. The physical pain I could deal with. The emotional one was the worst. I felt so empty inside. Nothing made sense. It felt like I was dealing with two traumas all at once. I looked at my empty self on the mirror. Not even a small version of myself existed. I bandaged my wristss before returning to my room.
“Are you better now?” Lutendo asked.
“I'm never going to be okay Lutendo. I'm just a ghost moving around. Nothing makes sense. I'm okay today, the next day I'm drowning.” I sat on the floor.
He came with a fleece and wrapped it around us...