Scarlett Ngcobo

Chapter 48

“Khanyisile, come in. Tea, coffee or juice?” Dr Puoentle asked.
“Water will be good.”
“How have you been since the last time we met?”
“I don't know honestly. My friend Kele, had to go to North West because her grandmother was sick.” she nodded for me to carry on. “Lutendo offered to spend the night.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Honestly, I was grateful. Lutendo makes me feel calm, he makes me feel protected. I don't have to be strong with him around. I can break down with him there, no questions asked. His presence is just enough. Everything was okay but the next day I had a dream.” I sipped my water.

“Was it an unsettling dream?” Puoentle asked.
“I saw them again. I could smell them on my skin. I could feel their touch, their laughs. How they penetrated me. It all felt so real.”

Dr Puoentle came and sat opposite me. She rolled my sleeves up and heaved a sigh.
“You decided to cut yourself instead?”
“I had no other choice, Doctor. I felt so numb and confused.”
“Did the numbness and confusion end after the cutting?”
I shook my head no. “But at least I could focus on the physical pain.”
She got up and shook her head. “When are you going to focus on the emotional pain? The more you ignore it, the more they come at night and torment you in your sleep. Self harm is not the solution Khanyisile. It will never be. It only provides temporary solutions. Next week you're numb and empty again. What then?”
“I don't know.”
“Since you have came into this office a month ago, you have mostly talked about this Lutendo.” I looked down and blushed. “Care to tell me about him?”
“When Tumelo and his friends came to my rescue after I got raped. Tumelo asked me if I wanted to call anyone. My parents and brothers came to mind but I didn't want them seeing me like that. I called Lutendo instead.” I got up and stood next to the window.
“The minute I saw him approaching us, I could breathe.”
“In what sense?”
“I'm grateful for Tumelo and his friends but seeing Lutendo, I felt free. I sometimes ask myself why am I so comfortable around him. I have not seen Kieran, Khumo and Alex in over a month. We have only talked via video calls. I still have not found the strength to see them. I don't want them to see me like this.”
“Why? They sound like genuine friends.”
“They're genuine, but they've never seen this broken me. I don't want them to see me differently.”
“I see. But when it comes to Lutendo, you just want him close to you.”
“Yes. I feel safe around him. He does not pressure my healing. He makes me feel alive.”
“Ever since that incident at the coffee shop, have you been out again?”
“No. I want to go out. I want to stop feeling suffocated but I'm also scared. I fear that everyone can see what happened to me.”
“You're going to have to step out some time. You know that right?”
“I know doctor. I know.”

“What's going to happen if you bump into Jasmin?”
I kept quiet. I could feel my anger rising.
“Khanyisile?”
Silence.
I felt her standing behind me. “Breathe Khanyi. Just breathe.”
“She's married.”
“I'm sorry to hear that. When did you find that out?”
“A week after I got discharged if I'm not mistaken.”
“How did you feel?”
“I felt betrayed. Not because I expected us to reconcile.” I looked at her before turning to look out the window again. “I was angry! I mean how dare she! She used me only to get married after breaking my heart. Who does that?”
“Have you ever asked her why she did what she did?”
I found myself laughing. “You know on the day that I got raped, I went to her place. I got there ready to ask her why she did what she did.”
“What did she say?”
“Her fiancé, Cass was there. She accused me of knowing that Jasmin was in a relationship. I mean like how! Why would I do that to myself? I was not desperate. I didn't even get to ask her why she played with my feelings. I just asked for my clothes, she brought them in a black plastic bag! The same woman who on many occasions, told me how much she loved me.”
“That must have angered you. You must have felt worthless. Asked yourself how could she be so heartless?” Dr Puoentle.
“I called her a slut and she slapped me hard. I was shocked, I have never seen that side of Jasmin. She put her hands on me, then she threatened me.”
“How so?”
“I must stay away from her. If not, she's going to kill me.” I went back to my chair.
“You know Dr Puoentle, I remember how happy I was at club nudity. I did not cry for Jasmin or talk about her. I was surrounded by people who also came to have fun, and fun is exactly what we had. I remember my phone ringing when I was in the bathroom. I first struggled to get the phone out of my jean pocket, but eventually I managed. It was too loud I couldn't hear the person. I went back and continued to drink some more.”
“You don't have to talk about that day, if you're not ready.” Dr Puoentle said.

I continued to tell her what happened a month and a few weeks ago;
Melody did not want me to leave. We had fun. I was too tired, I just wanted to sleep. I offered her a lift but she said she will go with her friends. We couldn't see her friends so I offered to help look for them but she refused. Said I should go home. She gave me a side hug before she disappeared into the crowds.
I gulped down my savanna before making my way to the parking lot.
I was dizzy and I could not walk straight. I sang all the way to the parking lot. It was strange that a fully packed place like this did not have security. I had to squint my eyes to see where my car was parked at.
Eventually I found it, or I thought I did. I was frustrated. How could a person not be able to open her own car?

Dr Puoentle held my hands. “Remember, you're in control right now. We can stop at any time. Okay?”
I just nodded and continued.

“After minutes of struggling, I saw two men making their way towards me. Under normal circumstances, I would have not trusted them. At first I thought they were security. Thank God!
I asked for their help, first mistake! The other one pretended to be nice, while the one I think was called Spikiri, made sure I got the full picture of what was about to happen.
I started sobering up and tried to run. Someone grabbed me by the neck. I was so scared. I might have been drunk but I was scared. I kind of knew what was about to happen.
I begged for mercy but they enjoyed my begging. That's when the ‘if only I had stayed at home’ began.”

“Breathe Khanyisile, breathe.” Dr Puoentle said brushing the back of my hands.

“I remembered Rex and his friends. How they beat me to a pulp, while they violated me. How they took turns on me. How I would faint and they fucked me until I woke up. How my tears brought them joy. How they made me hate my body.
I didn't have any friends at varsity because of that day.
I was starting to live again, but unfortunately they made sure I live in fear. I would never wish what happened to me, to happen to anyone.”
I was a crying mess, while telling my therapist what transpired. My face was red from all the crying that I did.

“Tell me doctor, how can people be so cruel? Why must women live in fear because of men? What did we do?” I let the tears flow.
“My crime was to go out to drink because I was heartbroken. My crime was to be a female on that day. I lost my baby! They robbed me a chance to be a mom.” I cried out loud. I felt like I was on that hospital bed, when Dr Luna told me that I had a miscarriage. I lost a part of my sanity.
I was hysterical, I don't know if this is what Puoentle was hoping to achieve? I was on the floor, rocking myself back and forth. I heard voices in my head.
Manly voices. They were mocking me and pulling my limbs apart.
I could hear Puoentle calling my name, but I was far too gone. I tried calming down but that didn't work. Not even me counting backwards!

“Khanyisile!” Dr Puoentle called me.

“Make them stop! Tell them to leave me alone.. I don't want to see them! Doctor please.. get them away from me!”

“Khanyisile, it's only me and you in here. Only you can make them stop. You're in control, stop letting your mind get the better of you. Fight!” Dr Puoentle tried getting me out of the dark hole I was in.

“We will always be a part of you! You are not getting rid of us that easily. We're one now. Look at us! I said look at us.” the voice in my head said.
I looked around and all my rapists were here. They came back. They kept coming forward and I moved back. This time around they looked bigger and stronger. Out of fear, I screamed and threw things at them. I screamed until I felt my abdomen hurting.

“You don't exist! You can't hurt me anymore! I'm strong! Leave me alone! Just leave me.. please leave me.. please ... please stop tormenting me! Stop...”
After some time I opened my eyes, the office was a mess! I looked around and everything was not at its place. Even Dr Puoentle, had removed her heels and her wig. My wrists were bleeding, my abdomen was painful. I touched my forehead, there was a bit of blood.
“Khanyisile?”
“Did I do this?”
She nodded. “How do you feel?”
“Tired, in pain and confused. What happened?”
“We have done enough talking for one day. I'll tell you tomorrow, come here let me clean up your wounds...”