saving grace

Chapter 20: Enough

Peace? The feeling didn't last long.

You were on your way back from the hospital, yourself and Cate in the backseat, while Bishop and Julianne occupied the front.

You were so mentally exhausted.

Your head leaned against the window, tears daring to escape your eye lids. Cate was trying to comfort you by rubbing soft circles on your thigh, but even her touch felt cold and unpleasant.

When you got back to the house, you immediately went upstairs. You ran through the bedroom door and into the bathroom. Unable to hold the contents of your stomach anymore, you got down onto your knees and threw up into the toilet.

Everything was spinning. Life was a never ending carousel, your grip loosening with each rotation.

You heard Cate walk into the bedroom and you brought your head out of the toilet bowl itself. You laid it on top of your arm that rested on the brim.

Cate was calm, her face not giving anything away when she saw you. She sat on the floor against the vanity, putting her hand on your calf in way of consolation, but you recoiled.

"Y/n..." she said.

"Why does life have to be so fucking hard?" You asked quietly through gritted teeth.

Cate breathed air out of her nose, her eyes focused on the white tile beneath her.

"That's the million dollar question," Cate responded.

"One that I asked when was ten and my father had a stroke that took him away from us so suddenly. One that I asked again when I found my brother laying on the bathroom floor unconscious and unresponsive. One that I begged to understand after delivering a child stillborn - stillborn after almost ten months of excitement about finally getting to be a mother. One that has incessantly racked my brain for the last two years because I no longer loved the person that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with."

Cate continued, "It's a question that I would give absolutely anything in the world to know the answer to...but I just don't. Life fucking flat out sucks sometimes. It will knock you down and then just when you think you are strong enough to stand on your own two feet again, it will swipe them out from under you. And in these times, it feels-it feels like all the pain and the anxiety and the overthinking will never stop."

A small moment of silence flooded the space.

You found the strength to pull yourself up and lean against the wall, moving completely away from Cate's proximity.

You knew deep down that she was just trying to help and relate to the situation. You probably should've shown remorse, comforted her even, for the things she revealed, but you didn't.

You really just wanted her to stop fucking talking. You wanted all of the noise to disappear. You wanted bang your head against something until you couldn't feel the pounding anymore.

"Baby, I may not understand exactly what you're-"

You cut her off, nearly yelling, "JUST STOP."

"Please..." your voice cracked.

Your eyes finally let the tears fall, frustration getting the best of you. You brought your hands to your shirt and pulled the inside of it up to cover your face. You felt a pair of arms wrap around you and you tried like hell to push them off.

"Cate, stop...Cate, get off...get off!" you screamed.

She let go after you raised your voice for the last time. She parted from you slightly, bringing her arms back into her body. You heard a small sigh.