The KingMaker - 5 chapters
I. OUTSIDE ELEMENTS
Title: fitting. It fitted with the summary I read. It centers around the protagonist.
Blurb: There's a list of awards first thing in the blurb, which I'm not sure I like. The paragraph "Kuroko hasn't experienced freedom in years..." should be pushed up, in my opinion. The second part was new to me in terms of format, but I did like it!! kudos to you.
Cover: While the title is clear and bold (good job) the background is a bit messy even when it goes with the setting of the story. I can't read anything else on that cover. If the specks of red are meant to look like blood, some more editing needs to be done to achieve that. If that was not the goal,,,, it doesn't look good.
II. CHAPTERS
Chapter 1: Kuroko is talking to Momoi and while I understand there's an immediate bond or at least kinship between the two, I usually don't prefer when the eyes are used to describe the situation. Authors often do this but... In this one, it said "trust flickered in her eyes." Eyes can't talk? It's usually a sum of other body language tics that give away "trust" or any other emotion. Honestly, I already understood there was trust between the two of them without that eye description. If you still want to express that, think harder on how Momoi would express trust.
Later in the chapter, it says "for the first time since entering the room, she shows a different expression than dread and slight fury" when she has shown so many emotions like gratitude, trust, shame etc. Why would Kuroko think that when he's observed so many other feelings? If you mean that this was the first emotion that she expressed outwardly, clarify that.
I like that warnings were placed at the start.
The promise of a specific tone is present. There's that 'people can't be honest with each other' vibe that a political environment can create.
Chapter 2: even though ninety percent of this chapter was a conversation, I was riveted. The only thing I would suggest is to remind the readers again why kuroko is agreeing to do this by the end of the chapter. His one wish loses its ground as the chapter moved on to politics so you have to keep the story centered on his character (which will allow readers to care about the world and politics he is in).
The strategy Akaashi comes up with is to make a disgraced man king and start a civil war within that kingdom. Im curious as to how kuroko will be able to make him king given that the man is not going to be accepted by the majority. Sounds a bit contradictory.
Chapter 3: I loved the bond between brothers. And I liked the subtle description and explanation of the ' blue-eyed demons.' The fact that Kuroko might be a son of a blue-eyed made it all the more interesting. Good timing with revealing that rumor too!
Chapter 4: there's a description of the scenery in this chapter. I think it can be written better. We're told that kuroko us uneasy by the scene, but can the writer can also add actual details in the scene that set him particularly. A pretty scene is just a pretty scene - nothing quite interesting about that. But if there's something that spooks kuroko? Now I'm listening.
Chapter 5: oh my!!!! I love the new development with Akaashi. And I especially love that kuroko can't tell if it's genuine or not.
III. CORE ELEMENTS
Characters: i wish the characters wouldn't talk the same way. otherwise, I like them. From what I've read so far, Kuroko and Akaashi's characters have been written well. I think Kuroko's brother needs a little polishing - if readers can have a hint of contrast in his personality perhaps? Doesn't have to be a detailed analysis since he's a side character, but even traces are enough for readers to pick up. (For example, Kuroko tries to be stoic and far from emotions, but he cares for his brother too much).
Writing style and Grammar: this is something that took me a minute to properly put my finger on - the redundancy of words. Except you did 'show' as often as you told. So what's the problem?
Problem is, once you've shown the reader something, you proceed to tell for the next two paragraphs. Add that to the extensive exposition. And the flowy old times dialogue. At some point it all becomes a bit much.
A/N:- hello, author!!!! I actually wanted to complete this entire book but cannot because I went on a hiatus and now everyone's reviews are overdue. I am so sorry. But I will keep reading ur book!!!!
YOU ARE READING
Book Reviews
Разное[ CLOSED ] Click here, submit your request, let me help you with constructive criticism and pointing out the hidden gems in your book. A review, simply put. By the end of our journey, I promise to change your view on writing as a taxing task and une...
