The Past - 5 chapters
OUTSIDE ELEMENTS
Title: I still don't know the idea behind the title, so no comment.
Blurb: the blurb was missing stakes and the reason behind the mc's goal. 1) What are the stakes of not retrieving the mirror? What will happen if she fails to get it? What will she lose? 2) Why does she need the mirror? Be specific than the 'use its magic or take it home' answer. Use its magic how? Why is her kingdom its home?
Cover: I like the soft look of the mirror in the center and the silhouettes. But I don't appreciate the color palette on the outside. Could be more vivid and pleasing to the eye.
II. CHAPTERS
Intro: immediate infordumping, oh dear. Even in dialogue, info dumping is info dumping. That part about the mirror cannot be laid out like that right at the start when readers haven't begun to care about the main character, much less anything else like world building.
Second problem I had with this chapter was the pace. Way too fast! Third problem is that readers are told everything. There's not even subtext. But I believe these two problems can solve each other. I suggest cutting out her conversation with the first woman (which will make her letter all the more meaningful). The information conveyed in that conversation can easily be added to the conversation with her mother.
Fourth: for dialogue, I find that all the characters are speaking exactly what they mean, leaving no room for interpretation or character study. Can we allow the mc to say things that aren't true but might get her closer to what she wants? Or let her wonder if her mother is telling the truth? Or she can hold back from saying that comment about the people being her mother's people, but think it so that readers know.
Formatting was not perfect on my phone (I'm talking about the divider).Try to keep it simple enough that it'll look good on all devices.
Chapter 1: In the first part, the main character is surprised with there being so many people in Orion, but then in her thoughts, she corrects herself, that there are so many gods. So after that, when she voices her surprise, she should be saying why are there so many gods, not people.
Who says "May Ersin bless us all?" Because it's implied that it's the mc who says it, but the goddess herself warns the boy, not the mc.
The chapter should not end without any hint of what leads us to the next chapter. It can even have the inciting incident of the second chapter. As is, readers have nothing to look forward to.
Chapter 2: too short. While we do learn some things about what gods can and can't do, the chapter doesn't move the plot forward in any discernible way.
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