Book Reviews

Review 14 ➣ @nalsinda

War of Freedom : An Oragion - 5 chapters

I. Outside Elements

Title: Fits the genre and I hope alludes much to the plot. Though, I don't understand why a colon is needed. (But I also don't know what an Oragion is so the colon could be necessary). At least remove the space between Freedom and the colon. [5/10]

Blurb: the blurb is better than most. There's two things I want to mention. Firstly, the mc's desire does not have to be mentioned in the first sentence so overtly. Subtle is key. For example, you can write two lines of his lines that makes him crave his desire so much. If he wants freedom, show us the lifestyle that keeps him constrained. Secondly, blurbs usually don't go as far to describe the entire plot. They stop at the inciting incident and sometimes hint at the biggest disaster thst's coming the mc's way. [7/10]

Cover: the writer mentions they made the cover themselves so I don't want to be too harsh, haha. I can't say I appreciate the color scheme.

The font is clear enough. And I like the barb wires (is it symbolic?) The background can be better. [2/10]

II. Chapters 5/10

Prologue: The writing here is good. But, I would say either decrease the chapter length or reveal the character's motivation as quickly as possible (subtly!) because readers need a reason to follow this character's long, winded path.

"He tightly squeezed his sleeves in order to restrain himself from losing patience" - because I accidentally read the first chapter before the prologue I know that the writing has a problem of being too elaborate. Try to depict emotions with actions alone and save the mental/emotional narrative for important moments so that it has more impact then. In this scenario, an obvious tell for impatience would have been enough without having it be spelled out for the readers.

The image of markets and the use of the word "wrench" gave me an idea of the times, but I will encourage more words appropriate for the time and period. It makes the world more vivid.

I think I understand why the cover has that specific background already, which is a good thing. (My earlier point about the cover still stands though).

Chapter 1: The fighting scene as the kids try to sneak into some place is way too long since you didn't say why they were trying so hard until much later. If you want the readers to be engaged for that long, mention why it's important at the start. If the plan to obtaining it will go wrong, then there's actually no problem letting the readers in the know from the start.

The prince's father's name is Azuraei. But at some points he's referred to as 'the Azuraei'. If it is his name, the cannot be used.

Too much of the dialogue is an exclamation and has way too many exclamation marks. Even if they're excited, frustrated, or whatever it is, tone it down.

Chapter 2 (part 1): I saw more of Jade's personality in this chapter. The dialogue is still stiff and does not sound like speech. And I think Jade's injury is the inciting incident for him? Good placement and plot development if so.

Chapter 2 (part 2): Jade and Janiz have a close relationship, I think. So do keep their relationship in the picture later on in the story.

Chapter 3: this group of friends are seventeen-year-olds. But if the age hadn't been mentioned, I would have assumed they were much younger (around ten was my guess). I suggest upping the conversation topics perhaps? At seventeen, common conversation topics are love interests, any niche interests, etc.

In this chapter I found four continous paragraphs of world building, describing the outlay of the city. To be honest, my first instinct was to skip over. Describe setting when characters are interacting with it. Readers care about things when it impacts the characters.

"It was all because of you! Only if..." Lucan's dialogue was repeated by exact words. Must edit! (Edit: jade and Sasha's dialogue, plus the worldbuilding paragraphs I mentioned earlier have also been repeated! I mean, really. This is just shabby work).

There is a very long play in this chapter. I feel like I'm repeating, but I don't understand how you expect to hold the readers' attention with such a play. The play has some historic significance I suppose, but otherwise, very little impact. Make me care is what I'm trying to say. There was the subject of malpractice and extracting blood and whatnot, won't it be more interesting to make that happen in the character's life and not in a play? To maybe hear from someone, maybe it happens to someone the mc knows, maybe someone accused of it is brought forward? I can't tell the writer what's more practical in their story but I'm sure they can find more creative methods than this play the characters watch.

I will give a point for the separation of the play from the story with different paragraphs and italics.

III. Core Elements

Characters: 6/10
Jade is curious, and while all of them are mischievous, the prince seems more rebellious in my opinion. Sasha is strong and Lucan is rather on the soft side. I like that there are distinctive traits given with so many characters to watch. Good.

However, their friendship with each other is too smoothsailing. Something to consider when writing friendships or any relationship for that matter in stories - without conflict in between, readers won't care for it. There could be jealousy for the prince's riches, or Lucan hating that he's getting into trouble because of his friends, or Sasha's family member could call her friends bad influences. I'm just spitballing here.

In your request you asked if jade and izan are attractive but I didn't find much of a physical description for them. Which brings me to my point, add more physical description (when relevant and if it reveals some part of the character's personality).

Writing style and Grammar: 2/10
quite a few grammar problems and spelling errors. Find an editor here on Wattpad. Also, please go through the Edit First chapter in this book where I go through all the common mistakes I find in books I review.

Plot and Pace: 7/10
the inciting incident (which I'm going to assume is them getting caught in the first chapter) was soon enough. I noticed a closer connection between the two mcs in that moment and soon after which is a good start for the B plot too.

Diversity and Representation: 3/10
In the first chapter alone, I see there is some discrimination going on, as there is in any society, fictional or not. So I'll give points to that.

But other than that...? (I think disabled characters who use their cores to help them in daily life would be cool. Make sure not to completely erase the disability with magic though!)

A/N:- Anddddd we're done!! Hi, @nalsinda I hope the scores don't discourage you from writing! A few years ago, I was in the same place you are. You just have to keep writing. The more you write, the better you get! And I want to add that I was genuinely interested in your story idea when I accepted your request so please keep going!!! Lots of love <333333