Kiss Me Away - 5 chapters
OUTSIDE ELEMENTS
Title: sweet and romantic!
Cover: what can i say? taehyung is one good-looking guy. great choice. but make the other elements live up to his face. i don't know what that arrow is doing there. proudly add your username as well so that readers know whose work they're reading.
Blurb: interesting dialogue. i think the girl's line would sound better if it goes "beautifully dangerous." other than that, more plot can be added to the blurb. at least the inciting incident.
CHAPTERS
Intro: i like the title of the intro. it matches well with the content. and i liked the ending as well. the whole thing was succinct and gave me an idea of what is to come.
Chapter 1: in the bus, Rose mentions that she doesn't like to talk to strangers due to past experiences. So she's a bit of a cautious, always-looking-behind-her-shoulder kind of gal, right? I think if readers are given this reason when her friend asks her to come on vacation with her, it would make it a better beginning. it doesn't have to be said out loud. she can be nervous of going somewhere she hasn't been already, she can be skeptical of her safety because of her friend's spontaneous personality. just some examples im throwing in. so my first point was you need to characterize Rose better. but also, the beginning needs a bit of work.
Chapter 2: there was a shift in character point-of-view between Rose and Taehyung. I think that could have been handled better. It was a bit heftily-handled. Please try to make it smoother. I don't think the phrase "on the other side" is necessary before the switch.
the flashback was a bit redundant. through their interaction earlier in the chapter, it was made clear that taehyung used to care for her and that they used to be on good terms years ago. the flashback shows that yet again instead of adding anything new to the readers' knowledge.
Chapter 3: in this chapter, after one paragraph, you start a flashback with a heading 'her pov' in bold. again, not a very pleasant format and a clumsy transition. there's a new 'author's pov' heading as well. i suggest these three things. a) keep any kind of heading out of your narrative. chapter titles only. b) don't leave extra space between paragraph to signal a shift in character pov. c) don't use those 'star-star-hyphen-star-star' separations unless you stay consistent with it for all flashbacks. d) just use the narration to move back and forth in time. for example - "she wiped at her eyes. a few hours ago, he came storming in. she flinched as the door was flung open." readers can understand that she's crying because of the flashback she immediately began to narrate.
there's a line "she internally regretted the decision to come back here." did she ever make the decision? i thought she was kidnapped.
Chapter 4: so it's revealed that taehyung has DID. im a bit skeptical on how well it's being represented. on average, an adult with DID will have developed between ten to twenty alters. not just two.
the therapist mention is redundant, similar to chapter 2's flashback. maybe you can describe a preventative measure he took to stop his alter from doing messed up things? something a therapist recommended.
in the very last part, you mention that the second alter wants to destroy everything taehyung cherishes. hm. again. skeptical on whether you've done your research on the topic of DID. while the alters can be bad people, they'll never wish to hurt their other alters. they might hurt others if they consider someone a threat to themselves and the alters. so in your book, you can easily edit it to make sense. instead of saying that that the second alter hates him, maybe say that he wants revenge on people who abandoned Taehyung or something. just spit balling here.
Chapter 5: the letter is a bit,,, nonsensical. im guessing you're trying to hint that the second alter wrote that on the back of the note. i think if that's the case, the second alter would have gone all the way through and scribbled off the note Taehyung wrote. and it's a bit hard to believe rose would miss the other side of the note. who's to say how she read exactly what taehyung wrote and not the other way around? this relies a lot on coincidence. makes readers dubious.
in the flashback, please mention who actually dies.
CORE ELEMENTS
Plot: the inciting incident, which im assuming is taehyung kidnapping the girl, needs to destory her normal life. you can show the safe world she's built for herself and even though she's careful every step of the way, she gets abducted.
Pace: inciting incident is place in the first chapter. i like that. i don't like waiting too long for the story to start its engine.
Writing Style: im going to put this here because,,, i don't have a category for format. the issue was the dialogue in bold. it catches the eye, yes, but is there a deeper reason than that? i don't find the dialogue too significant either. why keep it all in bold?
you err more on the side of telling. there are times where you can use a lot of telling but that shouldn't be the case through out the book. please use behavior patterns and descriptions to hint at what a character is feeling instead of coming right out of the gate and always telling the readers what the characters' emotions are.
Grammar: you miss a few periods and commas etc. but overall, it's not the worst i've seen. but i think you can gain from a free grammar checking site.
Characters: probably the highlight of your story in my opinion. taehyung is an interesting character, and though i see less and less of rose's personality as the story went on, i saw potential of it in the first chapter.
with taehyung's DID, you need to do more research, sweetheart. i didn't even have to look up things to notice the inaccuracies.
A/N:- hiii @Min_Suga_Kook. i tried my best to explain things in the review. but if you have any questions, don't be shy to ask them in the comments. i understand that some things need more than brief explanations!
as always, thank you for submitting your book for a review. it was an honor. i love bts haha. keep writing, keep growing. don't be discouraged by the review because i only saw things that can be easily fixed. idk if people give you trouble for writing darker content, but i'd say screw them, write what you want. be happy ☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆
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