Commander, Soldier, Spy (Erwin X Reader)

Chapter 53- Somewhere only we know

The following day my father headed out to work and my mother insured that if I need anything that I should call for her as she would be doing some sewing in the living room downstairs.

I was bored out of my mind just laying there and so I decided to get out of bed. It wasn't like my legs were injured and I was sure as long as I didn't try to use my arm too much that I wouldn't be in any pain. I walked over to the boxes in the corner of the room which held the things from my room. The top one was full to the brim almost spilling out onto the floor. I began to go through it, looking at different objects that made up my childhood.

Half way down there was something wrapped in newspaper to protect it from damage. I sat down on my bed and unwrapped it carefully revealing a jar full bottle tops most of which were from milk bottles. I smiled to myself reminiscing on the days sat with Reiner and Bertholdt talking about all the adventures we couldn't wait to have.

I didn't have many memories like that anymore. They both grew up so fast and felt as if at some point they overtook me.
When I had left for Paradis I had only visited a couple of times and it had never really hit me how much they had grown each time.  They were like brothers to me. One who I protected with my life from bullies who would torment him for his lanky appearance and shy personality and the other who I protected even when he pretended like he didn't need it and reminded him it was okay to feel sad sometimes.

I missed those times. Playing hide and seek and red light green light when we were meant to be sparring. Pieck had arrived not long after me and boys started hanging out and we always invited her to play and as someone with constant energy she was always up for it. But if course that changed when she received the cart Titan just like Zeke had. But at least she kept her sweet and caring personality and didn't distant herself from me.

Of course not all the childhood memories were happy ones. Reiner had always struggled with the trauma of working as a warrior candidate and not much changed when he became the Armoured Titan. In fact he only ever really seemed like himself when he was drinking milk and eating cookies with me.

I rifled through more of the box finding a tatty looking Monkey toy it's eyes hanging on by thread. It's fluff balding in patches all over.

'What the hell is this?' I thought to myself. I couldn't remember it. I tossed it to the side of the room and then it came to me. It used to belong to Zeke. One day whilst I was outside being scolded by McGath for my poor grades it flew out the window and hit me on the head. Reiner and Bertholdt ran down looking guilty and asked where it was but I lied and said I had no clue. I later found out they were messing around in Zeke's room and Bertholdt was never very good at catching things so it sailed past him and out the window.

I'm not sure what possessed me to keep it but it was certainly no use to me now. Might as well throw it out. No way I was giving it back to Zeke not after everything

Now more than ever I needed to focus on the happy memories not on everything Zeke had lied about or about how Reiner had looked at me when he grabbed my shoulder.

His hazel eyes had lost their shine and now almost looked like frosted glass his lips were permenently down-turned and even Bertholdt had gained a couple extra frown lines. Adulthood had hit them hard and I just prayed that they wouldn't lose themselves just like Zeke had.

I pulled out a picture of me and the gang at our secret hideout. It wasn't much just a shelter made of sticks and twine but it held up for a majority of the year before strong winds blew it down and we'd spend a couple of hours rebuilding it and making adjustments.

In the photo Reiner was carrying a large pile of sticks and Bertholdt was prodding the fire with a thinner looking stick. Pieck was lounging on a log and I was placing a stump by the fire to sit on. Even Annie was in the photo her leg lifted about to kick into a tree in the background. Who was missing?

Reiner....Bertholdt,..Pieck....Me...Annie.... Oh of course.

"Porco must be the one taking the photo!" I said out loud to myself. I hadn't seen much of him since his brother, Marcel, had been eaten during the first infiltration mission of Paradis.

"Darling! Lunch is ready." I was interrupted from my nostalgia trip by my mother bringing me a sandwich. I'd have to save the rest for another day.

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Erwin lay awake on his side of the bed. He turned over staring at the dent in the other pillow where y/n's head used to lie and he let out a sorrowful sigh. He pulled it close to him and inhaled her scent imaging she was next to him.

"Please...please come back to me. My life is so much better with you around. You make this so much more bearable"

"We could get away from here and go anywhere if you only would ask me. I'd give this all up for you."

He thought about the happy times they had together and wondered if they would ever go back to those times. Would she even ever come back? He wished he knew what was going on in her mind in that moment.

"If I knew how I could have avoided this I would have done it. Sacrifice as many as it took. And I know. It's selfish of me. But I can't help but be selfish when it comes to you."

He gulped swallowing his sadness. He whispered into the darkness praying that the universe might allow her to hear him.

"I still love you...Y/n L/n"