Dark Lust

Jolie

I've been trying to figure out how to go back to normal to my 'before Ciaran' life. I can't figure it out. I check my phone constantly hoping to see a missed call or text from him. He has a couple shirts he has left here that I've been alternating each night to go to bed. I don't want to wash them because then his scent will vanish completely.

Belinda puts on horror movies for me so I can try to get my head out of the gutter. It doesn't help. I feel alone, empty. Even with her presence here, braiding my hair and eating Chinese food on the floor, there's a missing part of me. I'm a naturally depressed person, but this feels different than my normal day to day sulking.

Belinda is trying. I'm still pissed off at her for shoving Ciaran out of the house unexpectedly, however, she is the only person here. I have to talk to her somewhat. For the most part, I stay in my room and listen to sad music while smoking a bowl. I sit back and think about Ciaran and I underneath my blacklight.

I took a couple shifts at the club. If I was going to stay at home and mope around because of some damn boy, I might as well make some money. I finally paid off the credit card my mom racked up months ago. I stashed the money from my second shift into a savings account I opened up without my mother's knowledge. It's for emergencies only like in case I ever have to live on my own. There was a point where I thought the authorities would come after my mom years later after the incident. I wanted to make sure I could live on my own. I wasn't about to be sucked into the foster care system no matter if I was of age or not.

Dancing on the pole helps me become an entirely different person. A guy that I had spotted since my first day asked me to dance for him twice on these couple days. He was a heavy tipper as well. The stranger's jet black hair slicked back away from his eyes and he always wears work boots, dirty work jeans and a neon yellow shirt. I had to tell him off the second night for trying to touch me while I was on the pole. I shut that shit down real quick.

Thursday night, after leaving my shift, I stood outside the door, lighting a cigarette and getting ready to walk home. The wind has picked up, giving me chills all over my body. What is with this damn wind lately?

A couple girls, Lina and Kate, say bye as they leave and I start heading down the street to my house. I don't get very far when the workboots guy stops in front of me.

"Dude, you have the whole sidewalk to walk around me."

"You were very pretty tonight. Prettier than normal."

"Uh, thanks. Now I'm going home."

"You can come with me." He steps closer.

His breath smells like he's been eating shit all day. Bile rises in my throat but I hold it down. I hold my breath, composing myself. His whole body smells like garbage is what he bathes in.

"Back the fuck up." I say.

"You know you want to."

I pull out my knife and hold it to his stomach, slightly pressing the tip in but not enough to pierce him.

"I want to do something and it isn't going home with you."

Work Boot guy holds his hands up in defeat and backs away, passing me on the sidewalk. I don't turn my back to him until he turns the corner and is out of site. When I turn around to walk to my house door, Belinda scares the living shit out of me standing so close. I throw my hand over my chest and look up at the stars.

"Belinda, holy fuck!"

"My window was open and I heard your voice. I looked out and saw that man."