Benny Rodriguez; 1962

Opening Up

July 9th, 1962

After I went home last night and sat in the bath for maybe two hours I ended up going to sleep and didn't wake up until three o'clock this evening. Mom, Scotty, and Bill went to church but mom wrote me a note telling me I was fine staying home for this one Sunday because of last night.

When I woke up they still weren't home so I just started reorganizing my room. I got dressed in a red sundress since it's a Sunday and it only makes sense and a pair of sandals. After that I went to the store and bought random decoration things for my room with my money I made last summer. I go home and change into an old shirt and jean shorts.

That's where I am now, sitting on my bed looking around my room. I put little fake plants on both of my window sills, hung up more pictures of me and my friends, and I hung up some of my old softball jerseys from when I actually played, I think it looks good.

After last night I feel a little better from sleeping so much but I still don't feel the best. I haven't had that dream in forever. I haven't thought about it because I had actually tried forgetting about it at one point and then I ended up not remembering it at all. When I went to see my therapist once a week she had taught me to think of all the positive things that happened before it and everything that had happened afterwards.

It had been a couple of years later that I even started dreaming of it because I was so young I didn't realize what had happened. At first I couldn't really think of anything positive that had happened afterwards because I had just acted as if everything was normal and Lexi had been sent to be a doll for a company, it was dumb but I was a child. Every time I thought of the positive things beforehand I could only think of Lexi laughing or Lexi looking up to me as if I were her guardian or something.

Eventually I started getting happier and just forgot about it and if I would think about it I would push it away as if it were just a dream. It made me realize that I can push through anything and if I can't, there's always someone to talk to about it.

"Honey, we're home!"

"Okay!" I walk out of my room and mom runs up to me and hugs me. We stand there for a minute or so and then Scotty hugs me.

"I love you Sis."

"I love you too Scotty."

"Someone is waiting for you outside."

"Who?"

"Go see." Mom smiles and ushers me and outside. I walk out the house and see Benny standing there with flowers. He's obviously still in church clothes and his hair is slicked to the side. I look down at my outfit and realize I look awful compared to him.

"Benny, hey. I'm so sorry abou-"

"Hey, it's okay. I heard you didn't sleep well so it's okay, I promise." I run up to him and hug him. He gasps, being surprised.

"I love you so much, you don't even realize. I feel like I don't tell you that enough and you deserve to be told."

"I... love you too." He smiles really big and picks me up, spinning me in a circle.

"We should have a sleepover tonight."

"Okay, sure."

"Cool."

"Here's the flowers by the way."

"Oh, thank you. They're beautiful."

"Just like you."

"That was cheesy, but cute." I kiss him on the cheek and stand there sort of awkwardly. "So what now?"

"I don't really know, we could go play baseball or we could just go lay in your room."

"We can go in and find something to do."

"Okay."

We walk in the house and go to my room. Benny looks around and raises his eyebrows.

"You changed it up a little bit."

"I know, I got bored earlier."

"Today was homecoming." (Where I'm from homecoming is where there is a dinner after church basically)

"I knew it! I thought it was this Sunday."

"Yeah, the food was good. I was going to bring you some of Jenna's pasta but I didn't get the chance to."

"Thank you for thinking of me."

"You're welcome." He takes his shoes off and jumps on my bed. "Mya wanted me to tell you that she misses you."

"I miss her too." I lay down beside him and close my eyes in contentment.

"Are you tired?"

"Kind of, I just feel mentally drained. I slept for so long but I had a bad dream so I kept waking up."

"What did you dream about?"

"Um,"

"You don't have to tell me."

"I want to but I don't know how you're going to react."

"Is it bad?"

"It's about my little sister."

"You have a sister?"

"Well, I had a sister. Her name was Lexi, she was about a year older than Scotty I think, I don't really remember. I was laying with her in bed once and I sort of killed her? I guess. It sounds really bad but since I learned to forget it for so long I don't remember it very well. I rolled over on top of her when I was asleep or something and she died."

"I'm- um. I'm sorry Isabella."

"It's okay, it just bothered me so much once I got older that I had to go and talk to someone and I had dreams about it all the time until I forgot but I guess last night just woke it up."

"I'm so sorry that happened to you, I want to say I can relate but Dani's here now. That sounds so rude but I don't really know what to say."

"Don't say anything, just lay here."

"Okay."

We lay in my bed for a while in silence until we hear my front door open and footsteps of a bunch of people.

"The boys are here." I whisper but apparently not enough:

"Yes we are! And you guys are going to get your lazy asses up."

"Way to be nice Ham."

"I'm not a very nice person."

"I know that."

"Come on, there's nothing to do today."

"We could always go to the lake."

"Or the beach."

"The beach!"