She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not (gxg)

Part 12

Like any modern love story, Colby and I initially met on Tinder. I had just turned 20, and she was 19. I am  7 months older than Colby, her birthday is in December. December 10th, to be exact.

I had left college for the first time. I was living away at school in New Jersey, and eventually just couldn't do it. I will get more into that- but I came home, to my parents house. Which was my own personal hell, especially after dropping of college, but I had no other choice or place to live. I also had to keep any girl I would possibly date a secret. My parents knew that I liked girls- they had found out about my first girlfriend I ever had, Lauren.

I was working as a server, and was just going on dating apps looking to see who was around. I would say I wasn't looking for a relationship- but I would be lying to myself. I was totally looking for one. I wasn't going to deny a hook up, but I wanted someone I could hangout with, talk to, get to know.

And then Colby came along.

I thought she was really cute when I initially looked at her photos- but thought that maybe I wouldn't be her type, but we matched right away. And the conversation just flowed naturally. We didn't talk about anything too deep, but she was funny and easy to talk to. After about a week of texting, we decided to meet up. It was March, so it was a bit too cold to walk around at the park- usually a go-to I like for a first date- so we decided to meet at Starbucks.

It was that classic thing- where we stayed talking until close. More than I liked that I had made a connection with someone, I really liked Colby. She was great. She was the type of person that made you feel comfortable. I felt like I had known her for years. And I was even more attracted to her in person- I could see how pretty she really was. We talked about everything and anything. She told me she had one more serious girlfriend her senior year of high school, but since then she had been single. She was working as an EMT when I first met her- and she didn't really want to go to college, as much as her mom wanted her to. She told me her dad left the family when she was very young- and started a whole new one.

We also had great sexual chemistry. I knew from the first time we hung out that we would- and I was right. After the third time we hung out we went back to her house and fucked. It was one of the best sexual experiences I had so far- it was that build up to us finally doing it after the tension had been there.  That continued on- the whole thing continued on- until the end of the summer- the beginning of September. September 5th to be exact. Yes, I remember.

I expected us to get into a relationship. And I only brought it up one time- I asked Colby about three months in if we could label our relationship. And she said she didn't want to label it- but we were only seeing each other. I felt anxious about it when I was by myself- why did she not want to label anything? Was I doing something wrong? Did she not really like me that much? But when I was with her, the anxiety would go away. She was a very reassuring person. We did everything people in relationships would do. We hung out constantly, showed each other how much we liked each other. I don't care what anyone says- it was a relationship.

The feeling when you can feel someone starting to lose interest- even if it is very subtle- gives you such a pit in your stomach. About a week before we ended things, that's what I started to feel. And at first I tried to tell myself I was just being crazy. And I asked Colby if everything was fine- and she said it was. I even saw her three days before it was over. And it felt fine in person, so I tried to convince myself I was just being crazy.

I wasn't being crazy.

I woke up to a text from Colby on September 5th asking if we could talk. Immediately I knew something was up. So, I sat on my bed and called her- keeping my voice low so my parents wouldn't hear. By that time they knew I was seeing someone, but they didn't know who.

Colby told me over the phone that she thought we should slow down. And I asked her if that meant that she didn't want to hangout at all anymore. And she said, "I'm not sure."
I asked her why- and she said she had a lot going on in her life, and she couldn't handle a committed relationship. It all sounded just like excuses to me. It had to be me.
She wound up telling me she had to go- that she didn't want to make me more upset. But I was distraught when I got off the phone- crying, laying on my bed.
I texted her asking if there was anything else I could do to make her think differently. And then she texted me that she just didn't want a relationship.

I didn't know what to do with myself after. The girl I was honestly in love with at that point didn't want to be with me. The thought of her being with someone else made me feel sick. It took me months to even get past it, and I had to do it all on my own basically. I had no parents to talk to about it. The only people I really confided in were Charlotte and Nia- but only when I felt like I wasn't burdening them. Callie was too fucked up for me to talk to her. And Natalie was going down the path my parents wanted.

I was trying to shake all of this, but it was completely and totally on my mind- even as Dani and I were planning Colby's surprise 22nd birthday party.

It was Dani's idea, and she texted me asking if I wanted to help her plan it. We were going to have it at Dani's apartment- which I hadn't been to before. We met up at Starbucks a week before Colby's birthday, which was a Saturday night. I made sure to tell Fiore that I needed off that night, and I knew Colby had already taken off for her birthday.

We sat in Starbucks together and worked on the guest list and arranged the food as well. I noticed throughout that Dani's phone kept vibrating.
"Are you going to answer all of those texts?" I asked her, giving her a small smile, "You're a popular girl today."
Her blue eyes rolled behind her glasses, "Unfortunately. Remember that girl Alicia that I went on a failed date with a few weeks ago?"
"Yeah, I remember that." I said, "The one who thought it was weird that you like to look feminine sometimes."
"Well, I did something really dumb last night." Dani said, "I fucked her. She texted me asking if I was doing anything. I think she was just horny...and I mean, I was too. I haven't had sex for a few months. Now she keeps on texting me. I'm honestly not interested in anything else. Of course I'm going to tell her- but not at this very moment."
"Oh." I said, and then looked at Dani, "You must be pretty good if she keeps texting you, huh?"
Dani chuckled, "Guess so. I am kind of regretting it though. I just made things more awkward for myself when I have to see her at work."
"At least you're going to tell her and not just ghost her." I said.
"I would never." Dani said. Then she looked at me, "Are you okay though? You seem a little anxious."
"Is it that obvious?" I sighed.
"Kind of." Dani looked at me sympathetically.
"Im not trying to sound like a broken record. But I just keep getting anxious about rekindling everything with Colby. Because of how it ended. I don't want to get so hurt again." I said.

Dani looked thoughtful for a second and then nodded, "I get it. Believe me, I do. But I'll just say this...if it's going to make you too anxious, it's not worth it. Do you feel like it's worth it- to start this up with Colby again?"
I nodded without question, "I do."
"I know you get anxious so it's easier said than done. But try your best to just enjoy. I know how bad Colby hurt you last time. She knows how badly she did. I don't want to see you sike yourself out. Try your best to just take it day by day, Jane." Dani said.
I nodded again, "You give great advice, Dani. You're very...calming." I said.
"I'm glad to be here for you." Dani grinned at me.
"I'm here for you as well." I said, "Now...let's continue planning this party. Do you think Colby will be surprised?"
"I think she will be. But I also think she will appreciate it." Dani said.
"Agreed."
I hoped this party would go well. And everything after.