She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not (gxg)

Part 14

Hello reader! I am so sorry I have not updated in about 2 weeks. I have been so beyond busy with work, college (I am almost done with my degree) and I did get a new job. But I am back and ready to write. Thank you so much for your patience! I truly appreciate it. Let's get on with the story.

One might wonder how it was growing up with parents like mine, and liking girls. Well, with as much as they told me that gay people went to hell- growing up with them, knowing I was into girls- well, that was absolute hell on Earth. 

I had known I was different since I was in second grade. I had what I considered a "fascination" with a girl that I would see in the hallway. She was in fourth grade, and she had long, shiny strawberry blonde hair and a smile that lit up the hallway. I would see her going to recess and coming back from lunch. She wore a lot of skirts and pink, and I remembered thinking how pretty she was. But I would think about her a lot. I would think about talking to her, playing with her hair, being her friend. I would get this feeling in my stomach when I would see her in the hallway. I would look forward to it. 

One day toward the end of the year in second grade, I had to deliver some paperwork for my teacher to a fourth grade class. I got lost in what seemed like such a long hallway, trying to find the room I needed to go to. I didn't want to get in trouble either for taking so long.

I remembered hearing someone behind me say, "Are you lost? I can help you."

I turned around, and it was her. The girl I had been admiring from afar. 

"Yes...I am lost. I need to find Miss Crawley's room." I stammered. 

"She's my teacher! I am just coming back from the bathroom. Come with me." she smiled at me, and lightly grabbed my hand. I felt electricity through my veins. 

"What's your name? My name is Carly." she said to me. 

"Jane. Jane Herron." I said, looking at her hair swishing as she walked.

"Jane is a pretty name." she grinned at me. 

I found myself as I got older having these "fascinations" with girls. I found out what being a lesbian was when I was in fourth grade from my friend. I remembered asking Charlotte, who was in seventh grade at the time if she knew anyone who was gay or lesbian. She told me that her friend Dhruv was gay- but I couldn't tell mom or dad because they would ban her from being friends with him. From there, I started noticing how truly homophobic and transphobic my parents were. The comments they would make. The things they would say about how anyone LGBTQ+ was going to hell. If any show came on with a gay character, they would switch it right away. Both Charlotte and Callie liked the show "Pretty Little Liars"- but my mom made them stop watching it because one of the main characters, Emily, was a lesbian. 

It was when I got to middle school that I started to think, "Oh fuck. Am I...gay?"

All of my friends had crushes on guys. I didn't. I had thought about kissing some of my friends- what it would be like. I would secretly look up "How do you know you're gay?" on the computer, delete the history completely and then panic for the rest of the night. 

There was no real defining moment that I realized I liked girls. I would pray that my "differences" would disappear, but at the same time I would sneak watch shows like South of Nowhere, The L Word, Degrassi, and anything I could get my hands on that had lesbian characters. I could not see myself being with a man in a million years. Dating one, getting married to one, having children with one. And I honestly hated myself for it. I had no clue why I had to be born this way. There were honestly times when I thought I had no way out and that I was going to have this self hatred forever.