She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not (gxg)

Part 46

Warning: This part does discuss the topic of suicide.

Throughout the month of March things seemed to keep getting more and more stressful.

School was getting even harder. Homework was increasing, and my stress levels were as well. I found myself crying out of pure stress many nights, wondering if I could do it.

I knew that Colby still wasn't doing much better. It made matters worse for her that she basically lost her relationship with Diana as well due to the both of them needing to focus on their own recoveries.

And the first week of April things got worse for Dani.
She called me after school on the first Wednesday of April, I was doing homework.
I could tell right when I picked up she had been crying.
"What's going on?" I asked her, tossing my calculator aside.
"It's my dad." she said, "He has cancer."
I felt my heart drop.
"What?"
"I had no idea he hasn't been feeling that great." Dani said, sniffling, "It's colon cancer. He told me they caught it early, so the prognosis is good. But still. The word cancer is just fucking scary."
"I'm so fucking sorry." I sighed, "Are you home? I want to see you."
"I'm about to go to Colby's." Dani said.
"Are you sure you don't want to just stay home today? I can bring you something to eat if you're hungry."
"No. Im going to Colby's." Dani said, and I could hear a twinge of annoyance in her voice.
"Okay." I said, not wanting to annoy her any further, "Just let me know if you want me to come over after, okay?"
"I will." Dani said, "We can talk more about my dad later. I love you."
"I love you too."

I sat on my bed and felt myself tearing up. Great. Just what Dani needed now- to have to deal with her dad having cancer. It was like the bad events were not stopping.

I couldn't focus on homework, so I played with Calvin and his small rat toy that he chases in hopes to feel better.
Dani then texted about an hour and a half after I called her asking if I could come over.

I drove to her house, and wasn't quite sure what to expect. If she was going to be really upset, if she was going to be keeping it together somehow.

She seemed even more stressed out in person when she answered the door. She looked like she had just showered, her hair was wet and curly and she had her glasses on.
She gave me a kiss, "Hey."
I could tell just by her voice that she was uneasy.

We sat down on the couch together. She was just staring off into the distance.
"What's going on?" I asked her, putting my hand on her knee.
"Colby's not doing well." she said, and looked at me.
"Did something in specific happen today?"
Dani sighed, "She's going to need more help. Mentally- I mean. She was saying today that if she can't walk ever again there is no point in her...living. That she thinks about ending it all the time now. That her life feels pointless." I saw tears spring to Dani's eyes.
And I felt my heart sink to the floor. I had never felt worse for Colby until this moment. I did not want her suffering like this.
"She really needs help." I said, "She does not deserve to be in this much mental turmoil. Did you talk to her mom?"
"Of course. I told her mom everything she said. She said she was going to call her Doctor right away and see what she should do from there." Dani said, and put her head in her hands. "God, this all fucking sucks."
"Good. I'm glad her mom is going to get her immediate help." I said, "And...how is your dad?"
"My mom says he is in good spirits. Believes he can beat this. He is starting radiation this week." Dani said, "I'm so worried about him though."
"The fact that he is in good spirits helps a lot."
I said.
And then I heard Dani's stomach growl loudly.
"I haven't eaten since this morning." she said, her head still in her hands.
"Let me cook you something." I said, standing up, "What are you in the mood for?"
"I'll help you. I have some leftover chicken in the fridge, I'll just make a salad." Dani started to stand up. I could feel stress radiating off her.
"No, sit." I said, "I'll make you a salad."
Dani sat back down on the couch, "Okay. Thank you."

I went to her kitchen and started preparing a salad for her. I chopped up the grilled chicken she had and a bunch of vegetables. I had the bowl behind me on the counter, throwing the ingredients in as I went along.

I decided to see if she had any avocados. And when I whipped around to go look...I knocked down the entire bowl of salad.
The glass bowl smashed onto the kitchen floor, vegetables and chicken getting all over.
"Fuck." I said, and immediately got on the ground to clean it up.

Dani came rushing into the kitchen, and then stopped when she saw the food everywhere.
"What the hell?" she said, and she sounded annoyed.
That wasn't usually how she would react. Normally, she would say it's okay. We could clean it.
"I'm so sorry. I accidentally knocked down the bowl." I said, picking up a big piece of the glass bowl, "I'm so so sorry."
"What the fuck are you doing?" Dani said, "Why would you just pick up glass like that with your bare hands? You could hurt yourself."
She was just standing there, looking at me.
"It's a big piece." I said, "Obviously I'll sweep up the small shards."
Dani rolled her eyes, "Don't be stupid, Jane. Don't pick up any glass."
There was another large piece on the ground. I grabbed it, it was smooth and I could pick it up no problem. I just wanted to get everything cleaned for her.
Well, that seemed to piss Dani off further.
"Did you not just hear me?" she said, "Why the fuck are you picking up glass?"
She sounded super irritated. I wasn't used to this.
"I'm sorry. I won't do it again." I said, trying to be calm.
"I shouldn't have had to tell you!" Dani exclaimed, "Jesus fucking Christ, do I have to take care of everyone around here?"

I knew it was stress. But it was upsetting me that she was getting so angry.
"Dani, just let me clean this up. Go sit back down, I'll make you something else." I said.
"No." Dani said, taking a dustpan out of her sink cabinet, "I want to just be alone. I'll make something for myself. Just go home."
I was extremely taken aback.
"Are you sure you want me to go?" I said, standing up.
"Yes, Jane. I want to be by myself. Please, just go." Dani said, still sounding annoyed.

I could feel a lump forming in my throat. I was not used this coming from Dani. At all.
"Okay." I said, and then walked out of her kitchen and headed to the door. I wanted her to turn around and tell me to stay. But she didn't.
"Bye. I love you." I called out to her as I was about to head out the door.
Nothing was said back from her.

I got into my car and just sat there and cried for a moment.
Dani was never like this. She was never so impatient, short, and just angry with me.
But I tried to reason with myself.
She's had an awful day. Give her a break.

When I got home, I didn't text her. As much as I wanted to. I decided to just give her space.
My mind started being super irrational as the hours went by.
Was she too stressed to handle a relationship right now?
I needed to call her. I couldn't deal with my mind going crazy like this.
I was about to call her when I got a text from her.
I felt my heart beat fast.

It said: I know it's late and you have school tomorrow and I have work. I never made myself something to eat. Can we go to a diner? I'll pick you up.

I felt a wash of relief wash over me.
I texted her back saying yes. It was already 11:30 PM, and I knew I wound be tired the next day, but I didn't care. I needed to see Dani.

She was standing in front of her car when I walked outside after she texted me she arrived.
I walked over to her and she immediately embraced me. And I could tell she really needed the hug.
"I'm so sorry about earlier." she said, hugging me.
"No, I am. I should've listened to you about the glass. And I'm sorry for making such a mess."
"I don't care about that." Dani said, "I was having a terrible day and I took it out on you. That wasn't right."
"Don't worry about it." I said, giving her a light kiss on the cheek, "Now, let me buy you some pancakes. Nothing like a late night breakfast."
Dani chuckled, "Deal. Let's go."

Dani and I drove to the 24 hour diner, and as we drove and she held into my hand, I started to feel better.
Even though I was so uneasy.
I just wanted everything to be okay. I couldn't get Colby and her dad out of my mind.

I needed things to improve. And I knew Dani did too.