Sunflower

Chapter 16

Lucy

After spending the day with my mom, I feel more down than I have in almost two weeks. It's not her though. Today would've been fun if I didn't have so much on my mind. That's why I'm here at the cemetery, at ten o'clock on a Saturday night, visiting my little brother. I don't know why I always come here to pour my heart out. Even when Tommy was alive, he wouldn't have been able to understand the complicated inner workings of the heart. He was just a kid with no experience with complex emotions.

Which is probably why I come here. Maybe I don't want anyone to understand me. Maybe I just want to talk through all this to someone who could never understand- who wouldn't even attempt to.

I don't even understand it myself, if I'm being perfectly honest.

It's cold out tonight, and since I didn't bring a jacket, my arms have retreated into my shirt for warmth. I can see each of my breaths, puffing out like a cloud of smoke. A thick and eerie looking fog is starting to settle around the back side of the cemetery, making this place look like  a scene right out of a horror movie.

But I'm too numb to care. If Jason Vorhees jumps out from behind a tombstone and hacks me up into little pieces, I don't think I'd even fight him. He'd only be putting me out of my misery.

I half expect Chris to show up here again, like he did last time, but I haven't seen or heard from him in days. I shouldn't be surprised. I wanted to break up. It's only natural that he'd put some distance between us. Even our friends don't bring him up around me anymore.

But then again, I haven't seen much of them lately either. I've been distancing myself from everyone.

I lean back against Tommy's headstone and sigh. "I wish I could go back in time. I would've taken a job in Staten Island so I could be close to you. Then maybe you'd still be here. And if you were still here, everything would be fine right now. It's all because I lost you that everything went so wrong anyway. It's all my fault."

I don't expect an answer, and if I heard one, I'd probably crap my pants. Still, somehow, I feel at peace. It feels good to get things off my chest. It feels good to let all the emotions out.

That's when I suddenly get an idea. A few days ago, I saw Chris shouting off the Williamsburg Bridge like some kind of maniac. At the time, I thought he had lost it. Now I realize it probably felt good for him to let go of some of the heavy emotions weighing him down.

He left there smiling...

I remember because it hurt to see him smile, knowing it had nothing to do with me.

The pressure building up on my chest is just too much. Everything that's happened lately- my brother's death, my parent's divorce, my father's disappearance and my break up with Chris- it's all culminating into something akin to a monster. A giant, blood thirsty monster, ready to suck me dry of joy.

My heart starts to pound, and quickly too. It's way too fast. Alarmingly fast. I start to panic, my breaths becoming short and labored. I look around, my head spinning, the world distorted through my blurry vision.

I've got to get out of here. I've got to do something before I die out here, alone.

I stand to my feet, a little wobbly, but strong enough for a slow jog towards the cemetery's entrance. The closer I get, the better I start to feel, so I pick up the pace.

Within minutes, I've made it about thirteen blocks. I'm winded and sweaty, but I feel more alive than I have in a long, long time. So alive I can't help the smile that spreads across my face.