"Why did you agree with it?" I asked.
Nasa loob kami ng sasakyan niya ngayon. He's driving our way to my manager's house.
Tahimik lamang siyang nagmamaneho habang ako naman ay hindi mapakali rito sa kinauupuan ko. I'm still thinking about what will happen for the next coming days when the issue isn't subsided yet.
Pakiramdam ko kase ay hindi ko kayang tumagal na siya ang kasama ko sa araw-araw. Naiinis ako na kinakabahan without any reason why. Lalo kapag kaming dalawa na lamang.
He glance at me. "Bakit naman hindi?" balik na tanong niya.
Humilig ako sa may bintana at inayos ang makeup ko.
"I'm not comfortable having you near me," diretsong sabi ko.
Wala akong pakialam kung mag-isip man siya ng kung ano dahil sa isinagot ko. Ang mahalaga naman sa akin ay sinasabi ko kung ano ang totoo. Unlike him. Hindi kagaya niya na kayang magsinungaling.
He suddenly stopped the car kaya muntik na akong mapasubsob sa unahan.
"What the hell is your problem?!" asar na sigaw ko.
Damn him! That was close!
He stared at me intently. Kinabahan ako.
"Why? Do you want someone to date and not me?" matigas na tanong niya.
Mapakla lamang akong tumawa sa tanong niyang iyon.
I rolled my eyes. "I don't want and I don't need anybody," I answered. "Mas lalo na kung ikaw," I added.
His eyes didn't left me. Kaya tinitigan ko rin siya. I equalled his stares on me.
I won't let myself fall in your trap again, Gil. Sa mga salita mong wala naman katotohanan. I've done with it a long time ago. I already suffered from it. I was in pain because of it. Because of you.
Siya ang unang nagkalas ng titig sa amin. I smiled secretly.
Kita ko kung paano humigpit ang hawak niya sa kanyang manubela. Ang pamumula ng kanyang mga palad dahil sa higpit ng hawak niya ay kitang-kita ko.
He clenched his jaw before glancing at me again.
"Let's see then," aniya.
Muli niyang binuhay ang makina ng kanyang sasakyan bago paandarin iyon. Pinili ko na lamang na ipasok sa bag na dala ko ang makeup ko at hindi na rin nagsalita.
We are so silent. Na kahit ang paghinga ko ay naririnig ko na. He never talked again after what he said. Habang ako naman ay minsang tinitignan siya ng palihim mula sa puwesto ko.
I am just guarding myself. I am just protecting myself from him for the second time. I am just being careful to not to be there again. Because I know that if ever it'll happen again, I can't take it. That I won't make it.
Masakit ang mahalin siya. Sobrang sakit at sobrang hirap. Loving him is like putting myself in danger. That I even learned on how to deal with life because of the past. Na nagawa kong harapin ang bukas na puno ng sakit sa aking puso dahil sa kanya.
But I know that if it wasn't because of him too, I wouldn't be here. Na wala ako sa kung nasaan ako ngayon kung hindi dahil sa kanya. Because he was the reason why I find this dream. Siya ang rason kung bakit nahanap ko ito.
But it never been that. Hindi pa rin iyon. Dahil hindi pa rin iyon.
The dream that I thought will make me happy, that will fill me, isn't the dream that I wanted yet. It isn't still the thing that I was looking for a long time now. I still can't find it. I couldn't.
