Saviour A Black Veil Brides Love Series #Wattys2015

(Edited) Chapter Four Raven

            “We are young and we are strong, I

            Raise my heart and sing! That I

            Won’t believe this lie I know there’s

            Something more inside darkness is

            All you see, this is our Sweet Blasphemy…”

            Singing the words quietly I walked down the street to the park where I could be alone to get my thoughts put backed together.

            Walking, or should I say limping, really helps me to clear my mind. It’s peaceful and calming unlike the high school that I have to go to every day. Once in the park I sat down on an empty swing and started to look over my wounds. My head was no longer bleeding, thank god. My ribs had the same pain but wasn’t as bad as earlier so that’s good, my side stopped bleeding as well too. My face hurt like hell and I could very well guess that it had black and blues everywhere.

“A final fight, for this tonight,

Whoa oh oh, with knives and

Pens we made our plight…”  

Switching to Knives and Pens I could relate to that more than I could with the other song at the moment because, well, I’m basically an old beaten apple that nobody wants. Closing my eyes I could see Andy’s once more, his blue eyes looking into my grey ones. I still couldn’t believe that I met and talk to him, Jinxx, Jake, CC, and Ashley. And humoring Ashley was pretty funny. As much as I wanted to go with them so they could take me to the hospital, I couldn’t. I couldn’t for two reasons.

One, they had to have thought that I was a charity case that they could help. And two, I hate hospitals. It was the same place that declared my mother dead and ever since then I’ve always been nervous and scared to go to one. Besides, if a doctor or even a nurse took a look at my wrists they would send me to a shrink ward, and I couldn’t go to one of those.

“Look mommy, look, it’s a butterfly!” Lifting my head I could see girl no more than four with her mother at the other swing set. The mother was smiling at the little girl like she was the most precious thing in the world.

“Yes it is Annie, look at its wings honey, see how pretty they are?” The mother took the little girls hands and pointed at the small winged creature, even I looked at it. It wasn’t anything special, just a butterfly with red and orange wings, autumn colors.

“Can I touch it mommy?”

You can’t, do you know why?” I watched as the little girl shook her head full of red curly locks. “If you touch a butterfly it loses its wings and won’t be able to fly anymore. You wouldn’t want that to happen, would you Annie?” Again she shook her head.  

“Now let’s go home or daddy will wonder where we are and get worried.” She stood up and took her daughters hand, looking up for a second. She must have seen me because her smile faded and she quickly took her daughter out of the park.

Confused I leaned my head against the chain holding the swing in place.

Was I really that hideous?

Was I that unbearable to even a stranger?

Standing I walked over to the pond that was in the park and looked at my reflection. My face was black and blue like I thought it would be. My bottom lip had dried blood on it and my forehead had dried blood there as well. My shirt had a blood stain and there were scratches everywhere there was visible skin. And my eyes, my grey eyes were cold and looked like there was no life in them, like they were placed in someone who was moving and alive on the outside but who was dead on the inside.

Someone who was dead on the inside,

Someone like me.

I am dead but yet I still breathe, still move. Still feel the pain of every movement, every punch, and every kick. But I feel no emotions, no sense of a care in the world. I may act like I’m alive, but really it’s the opposite. I truly am dead.

I’m a daughter without a mother, stuck with a father who can’t even look at me without seeing his beloved and now dead wife. I wonder how it feels to have to go everyday knowing that your wife, your one true love, is dead and six feet under, yet you have a daughter that is the spitting image of her. And she too is dead but yet alive.

When did this all happen, why did this all happen?

Why me?

Why am I one to be among the dead, one stuck in the middle of life and death? Like light and darkness, soul and soul-less, the free and the un-free, why? It makes you wonder what life is really about, makes you wonder about the true meaning about life and death. Could one be dead yet alive and one be alive and yet dead?

Stumbling away from the pond I tripped over something and landed on my butt and stayed there. I didn’t move. I just stared ahead of me, wondering when this all happened. Was it a day ago, a week, a month, or did it happen those two years ago when she died? When she died did she take me or my soul with her?

 Realization hit me like a tidal wave crashing through the ocean; she took me when God had taken her. She wanted me to suffer, or live through some of her pain of leaving everything behind. She wanted someone to keep her company and I was the closest thing that she could have saw. She wanted the daughter that she bore for nine months, the one that her husband had to see every day until she would move away.  The one that dealt with little pain before this and now deals with tripled the pain now.

I was breathing much harder now and it was getting hard to see as the tears started to build up and fall down my face.

“Why me,” I cried, “Why did this have to happen? I want to know why you’re doing this to me. What did I ever do to deserve this kind of punishment? Tell me what I did wrong god dammit! Tell me!” I screamed.

I was screaming at the sky, but wasn’t that were God himself was supposed to be? I may look like a crazy person for doing this but I wanted answers. How am I supposed to know why this happened? I just wanted answers.

That’s all I want.

That’s all, I swear.

So why don’t I get the answers to my questions?

Leaning against a tree I put my head on my knees and cried. Deep down I knew that I would never get my answers