Sarah Paulson Mental Health One-Shots

Drowing -Wilhemina Venable

TW: Self harm, mention of suicide, insomnia, panic attack, abuse

word count: 1033

Prompt: You've been struggling with your suicidal thoughts lately as well as severe insomnia. All you want to do it to be able to please your girlfriend Whilemina but lately, it's like you don't even want her to touch you. Especially after you've been self harming. Once she expresses how she feels, you feel everything fall apart.

request by sallymckennaloml

"Good Morning baby." She whispers, facing you and snaking her arm to your waist and you smile as you put your hand over hers, slowly moving it away. You kiss her hand as she looks a little disappointed and she starts to stroke your face.

"Morning Mina."

"Breakfast?"

"I'm still tired."

"Sweetheart it's 11. You're still tired?"

"Yeah. I couldn't really sleep last night."

"Oh. Come on little one. We gotta get up." Mina stands up, grasping her cane and you remain in bed, facing away from her. "y/n."

"I'm tired."

"y/n, you have to get up come on."

"Mina I said I'm tired."

She stays silent for a moment before she opens the door.

"I'll be downstairs." She sighs and leaves you be. Your eyes close once again as you hold back tears.

You knew Mina wasn't happy with you lately. She's been wanting to have sex which was going fine before but now you could never bring yourself to do it. You were never in the mood. You were always so tired. You didn't even like being touched anymore. Right when you'd get home for the day, you'd go right to bed and that night you couldn't sleep, making you tired the next morning like an endless cycle that never stopped. Maybe because you just wanted everything to go away. All the stress and anxiety and trauma. Even life itself. Mina was the only one keeping you stable and she seemed like she was on the verge of breaking up with you.

You woke up an hour later and finally got up. Only for Mina. Maybe it was time to tell her everything. Even your recent slip up and relapse of self harming. She can help. She always does.

You were wearing a sweater and sweatpants and made your way to the living room. You see her looking stressed, making herself a cup of coffee as you hold onto the door frame.

"Mina?" She turns around and you walk to her with a apologetic smile.

"Hey baby. You hungry?" You nod in response and she smiles. Since it was already 12:30, she makes you a sandwich for lunch. You sit at the table and watches as she makes it for you.

"Mina?"

"Yes my love?"

"I'm sorry."

"...For what?"

"...For not- I see the way you look at me before we go to bed. How you try to touch me in bed and I just haven't been up for it lately. I'm really sorry  Mina. Everyone has their needs and I just want to be able to please you but-"

"y/n it's alright." Mina says blandly as she continues to make your food.

"...You're not even looking at me. Mina. Look at me please. I just wanted to talk to you about-"

Mina hits her hand on the table which makes you jump and she closes her eyes for a moment before looking at you.

"y/n, I've tried talking to you. When you're not fucking constantly sleeping."

Tears started to brim your eyes and you opened your mouth to speak but nothing came out.

"You don't even let me fucking touch you in bed y/n. That's not normal! I feel so alone and all you do is push me away! You don't even let me hold you in my arms like I used to!"

"Mina I'm s-"

"ENOUGH WITH THE I'M SORRY. YOU SAY IT EVERY GODDAMN DAY AND NOTHING CHANGES."

Those words were enough to drive you over the edge. You suddenly get flashbacks from a few years ago.

"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?! IS THIS HOW DESPERATE YOU ARE FOR ATTENTION?!"

"Mom, it- it wasn't for attention-"

"Is that right? I give you EVERYTHING. You're a spoiled brat. An ungrateful little bitch.

She slaps you in the face, causing you to fall to the floor.

"That's all you are. Couldn't even kill your self right. Next time do the world a favor and go through with it you pathetic piece of shit."

///

Your breathing gets heavy and you fall out of your chair trying to catch your breath. As Mina comes towards you with a concerned face, you back up against the wall and hug your knees as you start shaking. You press your forehead against your knees with your eyes screwed shut.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry mom please don't hit me please. I won't do it again I'm sorry." You sob out, unaware of your surroundings. Mina drops her cane, making you jump as she kneels on the ground.

"Sweetheart I'm sorry. It's me. It's Wihlemina. Look at me."

You frantically shake your head and scream, trying to push her away from you.

"Please please don't hit me!"

She takes your face in her hands, making you look at her.

"y/n, open your eyes please it's me. I'm not going to hit you."

You manage to open your eyes through tears and once you see her blurry figure, you knew it was your Mina.

"M-Mina?"

"Yes baby that's it. It's me. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry."

You immediately latch onto Mina and let her hold you in her arms which took her by surprise. She quickly melted into your touch, rubbing circles on your back.

"I'm sorry I- I just got flashbacks I think-"

"I know sweetheart don't be sorry. I'm here. It's alright."

"Mina?"

"What is it baby?"

"I- I relapsed. I didn't want you to know but I need your help."

"Okay baby. It's okay. I'm not angry I promise."
You pull away from the hug and press your lips against hers for the first time in a while.

"I love you Wihlemina."

"I love you too. It's going to be okay."