like never before | beomkai

19 | midterms linger

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Kai should have expected this already, but days after a decision to start a fiasco were strange.

Beomgyu was—well—gone again.

"Midterms linger!" Yeonjun cried when they all met in another night getaway in pools. The lights weren't red, but blue. Somehow, it reminds Kai of Beomgyu's absences since the last time they held hands.

Water made his hair stick against his forehead, and Kai didn't notice Soobin's soft touch to tousle them quick enough. "Troubled, aren't we?"

"Distracted," Kai corrected. He sees Taehyun and Yeonjun fighting in the middle of the pool, a few feet deeper for Soobin's liking. They stay by the stairs like mothers watching over their children.

"Exams just ended, but it doesn't feel so fulfilling."

Soobin hums. He moves closer to Kai's side for comfort he thought he should offer. "Do you miss Beomgyu?"

"No," Kai answered a bit too fast. He caught the teasing look on Soobin's face and decided to just drop all of his guard. "A bit."

"You two have been awfully close lately. I thought something was there."

"We're just friends."

Aren't they? Kai figured that it's a price to pay for crossing lines never meant for friends to cross. He poured so much effort into a challenge that's unsolicited and one-sided—nobody agreed on playing a game so dangerous—and Kai can't believe a few days have already affected him so much.

How long has it been? Three days? Four since he started flirting before Beomgyu started ghosting everyone again? He doesn't even have the rights to ask Beomgyu where he's been when holding each other's hand was never mandatory.

"Beomgyu's just busy with his requirements. Don't think too much about it, cutie."

Kai whines. "It's not like that, hyung."

"If you say so," Soobin shrugged, but Kai knew that he would never let this go.

Taking a few deep breaths in, Kai dives in the water. Don't think too much about it.

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Truthfully, Kai was perplexed when he found himself in the library again with Beomgyu's hand clutching his two days later.

He questions not his absences, but rather the obvious change in the older one's appearance. "You got highlights."

Beomgyu's black hair now has strips of colors mixed with it. It's not so hard to notice when they're literally white, closer to silver. He first ponders on the possibility that they're extensions, but when he tried to tug them, Beomgyu hissed.

He apologized, but it was only accepted when he toyed with Beomgyu's fingers.

"My friends wanted to do something with it, but I didn't want anything crazy," Beomgyu whispered. His deep morning coffee voice cannot be missed.

"They're cute. I like them."

Beomgyu frowns. "My friends?"

"Your highlights," Kai clarified. He doesn't even know who these 'friends' are, but they're probably from university, too. Maybe one day, Kai will stumble upon them in the student's union, but who knows how Beomgyu's going to act by then. "I'm done with my readings."

"Let's get out of here."

They go on a lengthy walk on the campus lane. It's autumn, and it was getting cold, but the blowing of the wind was just enough for them to withstand. The sun was bidding them goodbye, and the trees swayed with their leaves singing a lullaby. Kai looks around to capture the sight like a photograph in his mind.

"How have you been?" Kai finally got the courage to ask.

"Tired. Yeonjun calls this the 'midterm linger', but I call it a pain in the ass."

They chuckle. "I know you can survive."

"I kinda just want to sleep and wake up when everything is over," Beomgyu sighed. "But that would be in vain. Without suffering, there's no excitement."

Kai took a deep breath in. "I'd like the sleeping option better. Sometimes I wish I could skip so many pages and dismiss what needs to be addressed."

"Like what?"

Like us. "Just life in general."

Kai shoves his hands inside the pocket of his hoodie—Beomgyu dropped them as soon as they're out of the library—and relished on the serenity gifted by nature. Beomgyu and labels will be a problem for future Kai, He whispered in the wind.

"Kai," Beomgyu called softly to fit with the tranquility of the atmosphere.

Kai hums.

"There's an after-midterm celebration that a friend of mine is hosting. Everyone is invited."

An after-midterm party... Kai felt chills just hearing that.

Beomgyu chuckles. "I know that you're not a party type of person, but I would love it if you were there."

"Why? There's going to be so many people out there; I bet you wouldn't even notice me then."

"It's you, Kai. I will always notice you, dummy."

Definitely a dummy for feeling a rush of heat in his head over that reply. Still, Kai falters at the idea of attending a party with a bunch of people he doesn't know. He's not like Beomgyu who can make friends with anyone, he's not like Yeonjun and Taehyun who can charm everyone around them, and he's not like Soobin who's great at talking to people despites his shy demeanor. Parties are unpredictable, an epitome of what Kai hates. It's not even the "I can't stand parties because I'd rather be in my room reading books" type of hate, but the "I can't stand parties because it triggers my anxiety and it makes me want to puke my guts down the drain" type of hate. An uncontrollable feeling.

"I'll think about it."

Beomgyu pulls Kai close using the hem of his hoodie. "Friday. 9pm. I'll pick you up from your place."

"Do you even remember where I live?"

"I remember everything about you."

Beomgyu is a liar.