like never before | beomkai

21 | understanding

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Kai expected the worst. Maybe a stinging hole in his heart or a yearning feeling in his system whenever he feels his hand empty—if maybe sometimes he'll look beside him and search for a specific presence only for his eyes to fall on an empty space... Kai thought that maybe he'll cry, fill a few pages of his journal with tears and keep the anger burning every time he opens the entry.

But it turns out, walking away from Beomgyu doesn't feel like anything.

It's empty and quiet and numb, nothing Kai can explain properly using his pen even if he stares at an open page for the longest time.

For the first time in his life, his journal couldn't help. Eventually, Kai starts finding other remedies to ease whatever there is for him to tend.

He starts in the morning with Taehyun and Yeonjun. "Exercising gives you endorphins," Yeonjun said when he noticed the sudden change in Kai's demeanor. And Kai took every chance he could get to busy his mind with anything but Beomgyu.

Maybe it will work. If Taehyun and Yeonjun laugh hard enough, Kai does it with them. When Taehyun challenged him to a pull-up competition, his competitive side sparked a flame. In some moments, Kai forgets why he even has to forget Beomgyu at all.

The moments are fleeting... however. And Kai was back to a blank slate when he's home and preparing for university.

Beomgyu. Beomgyu. Beomgyu.

It's starting to ruin all of his plans.

"Kai," Soobin called for him when he was busy scribbling down lines and unreadable words on his planner. "I thought Yeonjun hyung and Taehyun were overreacting when they told me about you, but I guess I thought too soon."

"I'm fine."

"Not when Beomgyu called me two days ago and was blurting out word salad."

That made Kai scoff. "Yeah? What did he have to say?"

Soobin groans. "Life would have been easier if I wasn't half asleep when he called."

"It doesn't matter, hyung," Kai sighed. "I told him the truth after being humiliated in front of his so-called friends, and now I don't think I can see his face without having the urge to punch him."

"I've never seen you all worked up like this before; Beomgyu brings out a different side of you."

It's whatever. Kai has been holding back everything that's been bothering him, and Soobin seems to be an accepting rant absorbent. If this was Taehyun, things would have escalated differently—more questions, more reflecting. Not something Kai needs at the moment.

Plus, Soobin already knows the tension between Beomgyu and Kai. Maybe not everything, but a fair amount.

Soobin invites him to prepare a booth for their club. The taller one said that it will "take his mind off things" but he knows that Soobin just needed a helping hand. After all, foundation day was coming up; the pastry & coffee club is one of the many that's taking the opportunity to raise funds.

This is Kai's second attempt to ease himself—and he honestly prefers this more than the early morning exercise with Taehyun and Yeonjun.

Coffee, bread, and cakes all remind Kai of his time working with Soobin. Although Beomgyu is unfortunately part of that memory, there's still so much for Kai to think of. There's the way customers tip him over a cute smile, the way he ends up memorizing faces with their orders because of their frequent visits, or the way the cafe feels (homey, warm, and smells like cookies).

Kai, for the second time that day, forgets once again.

Beomgyu. Beomgyu. Beomgyu.

And it comes back as quick as it was gone.

_______________

Kai was thankful for all the work his subjects were giving him. It becomes an easy escape to just bury himself with readings and papers he'll finish before due—something Taehyun was not the biggest fan of.

Unlike the first day, Beomgyu seemed to have learned how to call and text him on day two. They ended up ignored, as expected; Kai kept his phone off the entire time. He spent most of his break in the library or with Soobin in the club room, making sure that Beomgyu wouldn't find him unless he tried.

Beomgyu didn't, and Kai wasn't sure if he's happy or devastated about that fact.

"Rin, pass me the mug," Soobin whistled from inside the booth, and soon got what he demanded.

Kai forgot to mention Rin's presence being the most surprising yet consistent for the past days. She was there since the party, and now here as a member of the pastry & coffee club. It was hard to act indifferent when Kai was nothing but the absolute worst at hiding his feelings. ("He broke up with you, didn't he?" "We never dated!")

Maybe they became friends, maybe Kai couldn't help but ask about the boy he's been avoiding like the plague—and maybe Soobin and Rin found out about everything.

"So, let me comprehend everything here," Soobin was organizing his thoughts. "In high school, during the midterms party, Beomgyu has his tongue down your throat and you both confessed at the same time? The two of you don't even talk at lunch!"

"Please don't say it like that."

Rin somewhat found the situation fascinating. "You like each other, promised to talk everything out the next morning, and never spoke again when said morning came."

"If you put it that way... it sounds so stupid," Kai groans in embarrassment. "He's the one who forgot about it first!"

"There's no way you can kiss the person you like and just forget. Even if Beomgyu acts like a buffoon most of the time, that boy is a hopeless romantic."

Beomgyu is a hopeless romantic—Kai finds out in the most hilarious way.

He likes night walks, adores hand holding, needs close proximity, and believes that relationships can happen without needing to talk about it. Rin says, "He hates confrontations. I think ambiguity is his best friend."

It made sense. "Well, he is sweet," Kai got lost in his thoughts. "Making you feel special and not addressing it is... not exactly romantic."

"It's not romantic at all! He's wrong in every sense, and you're wrong for enabling this, so you both need to talk," Soobin was done sighing in exasperation—and Kai was, too.

A conversation can lead you to much more, but it promises you clarity. It waits for understanding, and it asks for adequate words. Something Kai needs the most right now.

He looks at his phone that's been dead for god-who-knows how long, and wonders if Beomgyu actually has something to say; if he's not only continuing a cycle that goes on and on until it leaves them burnt.

Kai needs to understand, and it's only possible if he'll let Beomgyu explain.