like never before | beomkai

35 | journal entry: a ticking bomb

Journal,

I almost forgot you existed. And now, with the predicament I am in, it feels wrong for my pen to touch you. However, I still find myself writing over and over and over again.

You haunt me. Kai haunts me.

Everyday I am reminded of what I took for granted, and I wish I could erase all the hurtful things that I told Kai that night when all he ever did is love me.

Why does love have to hurt?

I swear I wouldn't crumble so quickly after all the walls I built around my heart growing up, but when my father called me for my birthday I could only break. He invited me for a meal—something he has never done before—and I was stupid enough to believe that he cared when he talked of money and power over what my brother had.

My brother was getting married and I met his fiancée over dinner. She was a lovely woman, but I couldn't offer her more than a single smile. My mother ordered the menu I have outgrown, and I didn't have the heart to tell her that I changed. My father doesn't greet me at all, and I watched their faces fall when they asked me about my day.

I tried not to dwell on it, but one way or another I found myself driving off to some place I don't even know myself.

Yeonjun once described it as a ticking bomb. It waits for a perfect time, and I deem myself unlucky for blowing up on a day I least expected.

It was dark. It was lonely.

Whenever Kai called I just wanted to run and cry in his hold, but I didn't have the courage to fall into what I wanted.

So maybe that's why I got mad when Kai read me like an open book. Why did he have to make me weak? Why did he have to know me so well?

It dawned on me that Kai had the strength to ruin me in a single sentence.

And he did.

Yet he managed to build me up all over again.