like never before | beomkai

31 | journal entry: it's snowing

Journal,

Spring break is coming up, and so is my birthday. Tragic. I just know that everyone's gonna end up milking my wallet when I open the first bottle of alcohol—Taehyun alone could finish that. Multiply it with Soobin and Yeonjun as well as the rest of my family. My brother could probably finish 5 on his own.

And if I'm being honest, I don't... really mind.

I think seeing my friends and my brother on their asses, drunk, is the most entertaining part of my womb escape anniversary. (That's until one of them pukes on my new car when I try to drive them home.)

I won't think about such a horrifying possibility for today's entry.

I'll probably step back on the alcohol anyway since Kai will be there to celebrate with me. Whether he's planning on drinking until he drops or not, I already promised his dad to always take him home in one piece.

Oh, what I would give to have Kai in my pocket all the time. He's a big adventurer in his mind, always silent and cute. It makes me miss him more, especially now that he's back to detailed planning once again. Always busy and goal-oriented. (Even if it's unhealthy; I have to keep reminding him to eat lunch at the right time.)

I saw Taehyun yell at him yesterday because of the recurring habit. I had to step in even if it's impossible for the fight to escalate up to a ten story building.

Here comes an intermission featuring the therapist Yeonjun hyung recommended: Choi Beomgyu is a fucking cry baby and that's definitely a healthy coping mechanism. (It's not.)

Journal, sometimes I wonder if I'm just in a simulation—that no matter how many times I keep my papers from therapy hidden, a small part of me wants to let my parents know and maybe have them actually think about me because they care and not because it's an obligation.

Yeonjun hyung told me that the world is just prejudiced and too cruel for someone as fragile as we. He said something about needing to acknowledge that we are struggling, to actually move past it; and I know he's right. I really do. Emotions won't get better if you keep putting them aside.

That's why I'm trying to tell them apart... distinguish gratitude from guilt, happiness from fear. It's winter. It's spring.

It's spring, but it's snowing when I want to sleep.