like never before | beomkai

34 | take care

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Kai nailed Beomgyu on the opposite side of the bed with his gaze, he held him captive. He watches the older one's poor attempts to reach for him, but he acts indifferent.

"I read your messages, you missed me that much, huh?" Beomgyu tries to lighten the atmosphere.

Kai doesn't respond.

"I forgot to bring my charger, so it was difficult for me to reply-"

"You disappeared on me again," It's like a dam broke when Kai finally spoke.

Oxygen became accessible for Beomgyu's lungs. "I was busy."

Kai shook his head due to his growing frustration. "You disappeared on your birthday, hyung. Why didn't you talk to me?"

"I needed time for myself, Kai," Beomgyu confessed. The face of a bright man is no longer evident when his beam starts faltering.

It was hard to not understand. All Kai ever wants for Beomgyu is to put himself first, and this is what he's asking for. However, it comes with worried thoughts and sleepless nights—even now, Kai himself is conflicted.

"You think I don't know that?"

Beomgyu stopped in his place and took a few seconds to look at Kai with perplexed eyes. He doesn't say anything, but what he had in mind was loud enough for Kai to hear: what is this?

"I just wanted you to come to me," Kai's own words choked him. "I couldn't sleep without you because realizing that you're locked up in your mind and could do anything you were thinking at the moment terrified me. What if you won't come back?"

"I'll always come back-"

"Then why bother leaving?"

"I've," Beomgyu's breaths became short. The warmth from his cheeks started to reach his eyes. "There are things I want to settle by myself."

"But you don't have to shoulder it alone! Hyung, I'm right here. We're right here to help you, just.. be kinder to yourself, will you? Isn't that why we agreed in the first place? We'll take everything slow, we'll do this together."

Beomgyu shook his head. "My parents, my friends, my situation—I can't drag you along for the things I did-"

"Then just let me be with you-"

"Who do you think you are?!"

Kai was taken aback. "What?"

"You're not my father—fuck, you're not even my boyfriend to tell me what to do," Beomgyu blurted out without thinking. He doesn't know where everything is coming from, but it spilled like a broken dam. "Soobin hyung never asked me for anything, and he's my best friend; Yeonjun hyung never tells me what to do, and I've known him the longest. Taehyun-"

"Beomgyu.."

"Taehyun was my friend before you and he never acted like this," Beomgyu ran his hand down his face. "Just stop, Kai. Stop making things harder for me."

It was like a knife being jabbed repeatedly into Kai's chest. It rendered him speechless, out of breath, and hurt. He never imagined the day would lead up to him finding it difficult to look Beomgyu in the eyes.

All because Kai cared, all because Kai loved him so much, and all because Kai got too greedy.

Eventually, it all comes down to Kai's contradicting actions and words. Patience.. compromises—Kai was dumb for promising them.

"Leave," He said when he finally mustered enough strength to speak. His legs curled for his arms to wrap around them, and he refused to watch Beomgyu stand from his ground. "Go home, hyung."

"Kai.."

It was so unfair for Beomgyu to sound regretful after everything that he said.

"No, you're right. I guess I wanted more than I could have, and I ended up hurting you. We should stop," Kai barely had the chance to comprehend what he said. "I should stop."

"You're giving up?"

Kai shook his head. "I'm giving you what you asked me for."

"Kai, please," Beomgyu tried reaching for him but failed desperately.

"Drive home safely, Beomgyu hyung."

Kai looks away, he doesn't want to watch Beomgyu leave again.

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Nobody really knew what happened besides the two of them.

Kai didn't tell Taehyun; both Yeonjun and Soobin looked puzzled when Beomgyu wasn't following Kai around like a lost puppy. ("Aren't you guys welcoming me back?" "You're not our Beomgyu, who are you?")

But it's not like there's a lot to say about it.

We broke up. They weren't official in the first place. We fought. They learned their differences before they ended. We're over. It was too hard for Kai to say out loud.

However, Kai was a great pretender. Contrary to the tears he shed in his bed, he sits with the others in the bakery like nothing happened. He would plop his book on the table and read whatever was assigned that evening.

He doesn't want to acknowledge the holes Beomgyu was burning with his eyes in his direction. Although it was obvious enough for the others, especially Taehyun, to bring it up as soon as they had the chance.

Taehyun got into Kai's room uninvited again—something he had not been doing lately. He wasn't mad nor did he look upset. He only looked concerned and confused.

Instead of asking, he simply welcomed his best friend in a hug. Taehyun didn't need words to know that Kai was hurting.

"It's okay," Taehyun pats Kai's head.

"Will you sleep over?"

"Yes, you big baby. You don't have to tell me anything, okay?"

You don't have to tell me anything.

Kai closed his eyes and fell asleep.

The next day, Taehyun and Yeonjun came over after their usual morning exercise. Kai opened the door for them still in his pajamas, and Taehyun teased him for over over sleeping. ("I don't have morning classes." "Me, too, but I chose to be productive instead of sleeping in." "I'm kicking you out-")

Kai told them to get whatever they wanted for breakfast when he washed his face in the common restroom, and Taehyun discovered the cupcakes in the fridge.

"Can we eat the cake?" Taehyun asked from where he stood.

"What cake?" Kai rushed out with a small towel and got the answer he was looking for himself. "Oh."

He forgot to send it off when Beomgyu came over two days ago—'forgot' is far-fetched; Kai simply had other things in his mind other than giving Beomgyu his birthday cake.

"You can eat the cupcakes," Kai gestured to the pastries on the kitchen counter that Taehyun pulled out. "Leave the cake."

"Okay."

Kai looks over at Yeonjun's direction, who's busy playing with his phone on the couch. He made a mental note to ask Yeonjun to play delivery man and be kind enough to send Beomgyu both the cake and his original birthday gift.

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choi.beomgyu: thank you so much.

Kai pressed his phone against his chest with a sigh.

hueningkai: take care.