back to you | paul atreides

thirty five

For once in a very long time, I had finally reached a place in my life where I was at peace with myself. There was no more guilt, no more longing, just me and the people I loved. Everything was far from perfect but I certainly felt like everything important to me was under control.

I was still mourning the loss of Yuma. Every time I went to ask her for advice or tell her a funny story, I was reminded she was gone and it made being without her hurt all over again. I thought of her every day, but I was comforted knowing she died the way a Fremen should die; with bravery and in modesty.

The biggest change was with Lady Jessica, who agreed to the process of becoming a Reverend Mother. It was very intense and frightening to see her change as such, but she seemed better from it. All of us were still getting used to this.

Things between Paul and I felt very different, but we were developing whatever relationship we had with time. He was here for me in my time of grievance, he was patient too. I had become more and more accepting of the fact that yes I was pregnant, and yes that meant I was to give birth to a boy with time. It was a scary thought, one that neither Paul and I were prepared to face entirely just yet. But the entire sietch had been made aware of our situation so it wasn't something I could hide from anymore.

Things had especially grown more and more confusing with Chani. Between the two of us, our interactions remained friendly and platonic. I could tell the news of my pregnancy came as a shock to her, much like it did to everyone else. Internally, I was confused as to where the two of us left off and where my place was within everything, considering I thought she had been initially pursuing Paul.

Chani and I were currently helping one of the elders prepare a daytime meal. Ever since we had kissed that one time, neither of us ever addressed it. I suppose there wasn't really anything else to say about it. I felt a bit awkward which was definitely my own problem, but our odd interactions made me think perhaps Chani felt a bit of tension too.

I prepared the the spice-soaked leaves before passing them off to Chani who then spread the lentil paste across the surface. It was a typical Fremen afternoon, household chores and duties were spread amongst everyone. My eyes flickered to her hands which were smooth despite a lifetime in the dry desert. Her touch was gentle and elegant as she pinched the paper into a roll.

"You make those look very nice," I told her, eyeing the rolls she had set aside on one of the trays.

I could see a small smile form on her lips. "Thank you, but it's nothing compared to some of the other women. I'm not very skilled in homemaking."

I shrugged, passing her a few more spice-soaked leaves. "Well, neither am I. Hopefully we don't burn anything down."

She let out a small giggle and the two of us continued in silence. 

"I just wanted to apologize again for, uh, what happened a little while ago," she stuttered and fumbled with her hands. "I don't know what came over me and I didn't mean to make things weird-"

"It's okay." I laughed. "Trust me, things aren't weird"

Chani sighed in relief. "Okay, perfect. That wasn't my finest moment. It was quite embarrassing, actually."

I shook my head. "It really wasn't a problem, seriously." I paused, considering my next question. "Could I ask, what about Paul? I mean, it just seemed as though you were interested in him when I first met you. Now I'm just trying to figure out if that was the case or..." 

"Oh, uh, Paul." She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Yeah, Paul is great, really. I think he's brave and self-aware and has all these amazing qualities a leader should have, I respect him lots. I just don't..." She inhaled and let her hands hovered above the cooking board as she searched her head for the right words. "I'm not blind, I could see his hints and suggestions that I could have acted on and pursued him. I wanted to like Paul, I really did. I just... didn't."

"Why not?" I asked her.

She sighed and accepted another leaf from me, spreading the lentil paste. "For someone who was trying to move on, he sure did talk about you a lot." Her laugh was contagious and I couldn't help the smile that reached my cheeks. "He told me a lot about you. Your kindness, your intelligence, your skills, everything. So when I met you in person and saw that all these amazing things were true, I was blown away. Not because you're just as amazing as Paul made you out to be," She smiled softly. "But because you're also incredibly beautiful and, I don't know, I just, it drew me in..."

I watched her in silence from across the table. She continued rolling the leaves, avoiding my gaze. 

"Please don't be embarrassed by any of it," I told Chani softly. "Because to me it was truly flattering. You're an incredible woman, Chani." I smiled at her. "I am more than impressed by your combat abilities and knowledge of the desert. I hold you in high regards."

She nodded and returned my smile. "Thank you, Ophelia. I know you mean well it's just that... well, it is embarrassing, there's no way around that." She shook her head at herself. "It's embarrassing for the same reason I couldn't bring myself to like Paul in the way I wish I did. I don't know why I'm like this, I just wish that I wasn't."

I frowned. "Embarrassing because, what? You're attracted to... to women? Chani, that's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"I can already hear the other women. 'Who will provide for you?' 'You can't both stay home and care for children.'" She shook her head sadly. "I'm expected to marry a man, bear his children, live my life in his possession. I..." She trailed off, staring at her hands as she held them in fists in front of her. "I haven't heard of another Fremen being with another of the same gender. Everyone would talk. The elders wouldn't approve. What I want is not something that happens."

I tilted my head at her. "Then be the first Chani. Who cares? You've never been a sucker for rules anyway."

She was quiet and kept her eyes on what she was doing in front of her. A few moments passed before she pursed her lips and lifted her gaze to meet mine, the whisper of a smile on her lips. "Maybe."

I was about to question her further when shouts from outside interrupted our conversation. Her voice echoed down the hall, I could tell she was approaching us.

"Reverend Mother!" The sound of a woman shouting could be heard from outside the prep room. "It's the Reverend Mother!"

The older Fremen woman finally reached us and took a step into the prep room, placing her hands on her knees while she caught her breath. 

"The Reverend Mother?" I repeated.

"The Lady Jessica," Chani clarified and turned back to the Fremen woman. "What about the new Reverend Mother?"

"The Reverend Mother." She breathed. "She- she's given birth!"

***

okay so quick note, i'm going to be making it so that as part of alia's abomination, she ages at an abnormal speed. i want her to grow faster than i plan to have this story play out so yeah

i binged all the after movies today. my biggest flex is that i read them in 2015 when they were still harry styles fanfictions. the movies were painfully cringe but i couldn't stop watching

question: have any of you guys read 'Paired to the Prince' and if so please let me know your thoughts! if you have ideas on where i should take the story please let me know!

as always, let me know your thoughts :)

with love,
via <3