❝we have different destinies, paul.❞
❝bullshit. we choose our own destinies, and i choose you. over and over again. always.❞
When House Atreides must uproot itself and move to Arrakis, Lia finds herself worrying more and more about Paul and the dema...
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A few days had passed and I hadn't spoken to Paul. I wasn't quite sure what I was doing, I was taking one day at a time and doing everything to not feel lonely.
Paul could choose another woman over me. Paul could go and marry Princess Irulan and never speak to me again. He could send me to another planet if he was sick of me. He could betray me in a million different ways and I would not bat an eye. But to know he could have interfered with our child's death, to know he saw it coming, yet he did nothing about it... that was the ultimate betrayal. That was a feeling I did not want to face because the rage was blinding.
The thought of me made me want to scream. I wanted to get mad and tell him how badly it hurt. I wanted him to know how this tore me apart from the inside. I wanted him to feel my pain. I wanted him to hurt as badly as I was hurting. But when I opened my mouth to say something, nothing came out. I couldn't find the words to say anything at all.
For the first few days, I always felt weak and my hands were shaking uncontrollably. My vision was light. I did not want to be here in Arrakis anymore. I did not want to look at that boy ever again. This stranger I did not know.
After what had happened I left the palace and into the desert alone while the Fremen celebrated their victory. I travelled straight back to our sietch, but it was mostly empty aside from a few of the children and older women who had stayed back. Everything was quiet, everyone was preparing to leave. Everyone was preparing for what was next.
I wasn't sure what was next. Not for me, at least. In my heart I was Fremen, I could feel it in my soul, but I wasn't sure if the others would accept me as such anymore. Without a husband, without a child, what could I contribute? I did not want to wait for their rejection, so I left again.
I couldn't bear being near our old home. I couldn't stand the thought of baby Leto being murdered. I did not want to walk through the area we had been raising him. I didn't want to remember that life anymore so I continued through the desert.
I ached for my father who I no longer had, but I had no tears to offer him. I had no water to waste. Instead, I told myself to be strong the way I knew he would be if he were in my spot. What would my father tell me right now if he was here?
To go home, most likely. But where was my home?
Eventually, with nothing left to explore, I found myself back in Arakeen. I did not want to be there, but there was nowhere else I could think of going. No matter how far I traveled and how much I kept busy my heart burned with grief and loss. I couldn't run from the feeling anymore.
I stood outside the palace doors and stared at the building. I did not want to go back inside. What would I be returning to? A man who did not want me? A life without my child? What was my role now? Who was I without my husband and without my son? There was no life left for me inside the palace.
So I stood outside and watched as people went in and out. The sun felt hot against my cheek, I wondered if I would burn. The sweat was building on the back of my neck from the heat of my hair. For how long I stood there I wasn't sure, but it was the calling of my name that took me out of my trance.
