(One Piece) Book of Oneshots and Such

Afterlife Starter Pack AU

(One Piece X Reader) Even after death, you couldn't escape the desperate, sweaty annoyances that were door-to-door salesmen.

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It was an unfortunate accident really.

All it took was one drunk driver and here you were, dead in the spring of your youth, surrounded by a bunch of angels trying to scam you into their religions.

"Is there any way I can just reject all of you and just evaporate into space dust?"

The guy with the tribal looking tattoos gave you a jaded glare, no doubt having gone through this scenario hundreds upon thousands of times by now, "no, you cannot refuse all of our religions and 'evaporate into space dust' either you choose an afterlife, or you can waste our time for an eternity"

The dude's bitter tone really tempted you to test out the latter option, just to spite them all.

"Hey! In our religion's afterlife, you turn into a constellation! That's close enough!" The youngest angel in the room excitedly perked up and gave you an expectant grin, bouncing at the balls of his feet as if he just won a game.

"Uh, I mean.. is that it? Just boom, be constellation and done?"

The kid paused, squinted his eyes as if trying to read something from a distance, and then began to speak out in a voice that sounded rehearsed.

"Haki is a religion where people live their lives in accordance to one of the three principles, Conquer, Observe, and Armament"

A few angels in the room began to mutter amongst themselves in irritation, you suspected they must've heard this exact speech many, many times already.

"The principle of Armament means to demonstrate great discipline and strength, following this principle means to.. to, uh.."

The boy faltered for a moment, evidently forgetting his lines.

"Sspt! Hey, Luffy!" Someone whispered harshly from the group, "defend and protect!"

"Oh!" Luffy's eyes lit up in realization, immediately returning to his speech.

"Following this principle means to create a barrier around yourself! An invisible layer of power in your aura!"

You let out a scoff somewhat incredulous, "y'know what, I'mma stop you there, 'cause I don't think that's for me"

While the pout on Luffy's face did sting a bit, you couldn't feel the guilt long enough, when another angel approached from the group.

"Why don't you let me try, Luffy?"

The said angel had a more aggressive-looking demeanor than Luffy did, calling into question if they were in the same religion after all, however, seeing as Luffy just pouted and stepped back from the other, you guessed they were indeed related.

"Alright my dude" you felt a weary sigh wash over you as the dark skinned man stood over you with a look of disinterest, such a ray of sunshine.

"Toss your shot, I guess"

The angel grumbled something unintelligible, "Alright, Haki is a faith of power, those who seek to achieve a higher level of being must undergo one or more of the three principles"

You made a sour face, "what exactly is the point? And, to be honest, this sounds more like a lifestyle or something than a faith"

The angel made a grimace, "those who follow the three principles are elevated to a higher state of being through the energy of the world, in Haki, we believe that there is energy in every living thing, energy that can be harnessed through the principles" 

"What about the afterlife? I'm dead so none of that stuff is any good to me, what's the death part like?"

You gave the angel a small smirk as his expression turned blatantly annoyed.

"Ehm.. well in death, all of the energy that you've been collecting is supposed to merge with your soul and turn you into a tapestry draped across the stars.. or constellation, as you call them"

The strength it took you, to keep yourself from provoking that angel into caving your face in with his fist via a really smug grin, could never be measured.

"Um, I dunno if you've noticed but.. I haven't been collecting any space aura shit at all" dipshit.

Someone in the back, who obviously had no tact at all, didn't bother to smother their amusement and laughed, loudly.

Craning your head around the greenie, you watched the crowd part to reveal...

"What the fuck?" You couldn't help but voice your stupefaction.

There was a literal demon in the crowd what the fuck-

"Yeah, let's just skip all the fucking filler and actually get to the good part, yeah?" The demon shoved a few people out of the way as he approached you.

"Uh, yeah I'm not really into eternal suffering my dude"

He laughed something nasty, and you knew it was spitting such a bitterness in your way with the way his eyes creased just enough to look strained.

"That shit's all a bunch of spiteful propaganda tossed up by a bitch parade of homophobic pansies with their chastity belts up in knots" the demon curled a finger and brushed up their horn in a faux search for dust.

"Okay.. I mean, you're totally rocking those pumps, but I don't think I could manage strapping up in S&M gear everyday"

The demon paused to assess you, slowly growing mischievous as his tail slithered across your arm and when did he get that close-

"Ooh.. I like the ones who need a little breaking in" he grinned roguishly, not abashed with looming over you for everyone to see.

"Let's see if we can get you to call me daddy" you flinched at how low his voice sounded, and so close, sensual, everything was suddenly way too hot and you had on too much clothes-

"Hey!" A member of the crowd squawked indignantly.

"He's seducing her, that's not fair!"

The demon leaned back from your face, holy shit when was he that close, and snarled in the direction of the voice from the crowd.

"Fuck off hetero!"

"You fuck off! You lame rendition of a faith!"

"Yeah! Get the fuck outta here, Kidd!"

With a short intake of breath, you tumbled backwards as the demon violently launched into the crowd of angels, and with the wings flapping, fists swinging, and all the insults flying around, you could hardly notice the figure behind you until your back slammed into their arm.

"Great... it's going to take hours for them all to settle down"

You gave the tribal-like angel a wince, there was no way he should have been as nonchalant as he was right now.

"Goddamn, dying is even more trouble than living was.."

The angel shrugged, "probably is"

With a purse of your lips, your eyes narrowed suspiciously, taking note of how throughout this whole interaction, this angel has yet to make a case for their religion.

"So, uh.. what's your religion?"

"It's not for you"

You blinked at the certainty in his tone.

Huh, well now you had to know, or maybe, perhaps this curiosity was part of his trap?

"Why is that?"

The angel's wings bristled like a pissed off bird, "ever heard of Flevance?"

"Ah" you immediately did yourself a favor and shut the hell up.

Unfortunately, it didn't seem the brawl was going to be cutting off any time soon, so you had to stand there with the tribal angel in the most awkward silence in death yet.

You didn't even have the option of dying to escape such embarrassment! That had to be the worst part of death so far!

You just hoped it wouldn't get any worse from here...