Monét
I was sitting with my feet on the couch, smoking another blunt, talking to my older brother on the phone at 4am, "Bro you should really tell her how you feel"
My brother always knew I secretly loved this girl , he asked me .....forced me to tell him and I did, l made him swear to secrecy or I'd make his life a living hell and tell mom his dirtiest secrets , "No dude I'm not doing that, never I'd rather die", I reply blowing out the smoke, it felt nice.
They always said how can pretty girls smoke, just because I'm a girl and pretty I can't smoke? , "girls aren't supposed to smoke", "girls don't smoke why are you smoking?", aren't girls humans too like men who get to do whatever they liked but were never questioned about what they did or did not, but for me no one really knew I smoked except two people.
He sighed, "Really wanna throw you off the balcony for not telling her, alright I will try convince you like your best friend", he told and I laughed waiting for him to continue, "Girl you need to tell her so you don't break your own heart who knows what might happen, you are drowning yourself in pills and weed, don't you want to be better? To be happy? I can't lose you while I'm watching you", He told me I could tell he was serious and I thought of his words which really sank deeply.
"But now as a brother I hate seeing you lose yourself, I know this isn't you anymore, I understand why you do the things you do, it wasn't your fault , it was never your fault, I know experiencing that sort of thing broke you hell it broke me too but you couldn't have done anything, we both can't change it , now you are adding Tay to part of what you are feeling making everything worse for yourself", Now I was crying , my brother always made me cry whenever he'd start telling me the truth.
"You idiot , you are making me cry", I told him wiping my tears off.
He laughed, "I'm sorry gummy bear I just had to, but think about what I said", l nodded, then remembered that he couldn't see me.
"Yeah I will, and when is your dumb ass coming home?", I asked him , "On Monday probably", I know Monday is Tuesday to him , I'll see him on Tuesday, "Where are you actually?", I asked him.
"My girlfriend's place", I rolled my eyes, I hated that girl , she was a complete bitch, my brother always falls in love with the worst girls ever , "Have fun with Jasmine, tell her I said hi", I told him hoping he'll catch my sarcasm, he chuckled, "sure I'll definitely tell her you said that you hope she goes to hell", he replied and I laughed.
"You're so smart today", I told him, "I'm always smart what do you mean?", I can already imagine his dramatic expression, "For a 21 year old engineering student, you're dumb sometimes I wonder how you pass your modules", I told him.
"I have my ways you know, I might be out partying all the time, fucking girls but I pass", he told me really didn't wanna hear that too much info, "First of all ew, well whatever genius use protection", he laughed this time and I smiled.
"I'll see you on Monday gummy bear I love you", he said, "Uh you mean Tuesday?", "Well yeah you caught me, you always do", he told me.
"I love you brother bye", I hanged up the phone, I thought of texting Tay asking her if she was okay but I didn't , I don't want to disturb her and act like a baby who needed a sitter I was fine on my own with my weed which made me feel good.
I had a lot on my mind, I had dreams of my two favorite people in the world, my dad and my little brother were involved in a tragic car accident 8 years ago, then my little brother was 13 years old at the time, I asked dad if I could pick Daniel up , he said it was okay he would do it because he'd leave work early that day, I remember Dominic , mom and l were waiting on them to get home but they never did, later mom received a call that they were involved in a accident, a truck ran them over, that day I forgot how to breath , my world was crushing down on me, I cried my heart out till my head hurt, I didn't eat for days, weeks , months, I don't know how I'm still alive, all l know is that it hurt so much losing two people that you love, mom used work to distract herself, Dom drank himself to sleep, he'd be out partying all the time to not feel, I feel like I'm the only one still hurting well kind of showing it I guess, I can only imagine how it feels to lose a husband and a child at the same time, I missed them a lot, so much.
I'd do anything to see them again maybe if dad let me fetch Daniel from school, if maybe he had left work late, if maybe... they would still be here with us, our family would still fine, maybe if I shouldn't have listened to dad, maybe I had done what I knew was right, they would be here, maybe I'd be okay, not feeling the way I do.
Mom is hardly ever home, Dom is hardly ever here too he just pops in and out , but if I want to talk he told me he's always here, and I'll forever thank him, I feel like mom has forgotten about me, like I don't exist anymore, ever since they left us she is always gone, I needed her to be there for me as a mom to tell me it's okay they were watching over us, and I'd be there for her too, we could be there for each other as a family but it wasn't the case, she is there for me financially but not emotionally I don't even know who she is anymore, but I'm done trying I've been there for myself , I don't need anyone else, maybe I still need Tay.
Ever since she came by, she really helped me a lot, she knows what happened, she had no idea the role she played in my life, she filled the motherly , sisterly , bestie posts in my life effortlessly, I'll forever thank God for bringing her in my life when I was losing myself slowly.
Sometimes I feel like my little brother is around, asking me to eat his favorite food with him, sometimes I'd eat because of him, I missed him so much it felt like he was my kid, we were attached to the hip, I miss him.
I was staring at the ceiling, "I miss you lil bro , wish you were really here", I said.
I was too lazy to get up , instead I'll just sleep on the couch , I felt okay here nothing could ever happen to me, I was safe, dad would always kiss my forehead and ask me about my day and if I was happy that day, if I wasn't, he'd take me on a road trip and we'd get ice cream, he'd tell me stories till we got home, he always knew how to make me feel better , he definitely knew a way to a girl's heart.
My heart had a hole that only they could fill, without them , I'll forever feel like this, but Tay made me feel whole , I don't know how that was possible but she did.
I wish she could see how I really felt , I know anyone would say I should tell her, I really didn't want to because I wouldn't want ruin what we have before this happened as long as she was still in my life right?
-xoxo.
