Monét
You can be the most beautiful girl on the planet, have the perfect body, perfect eyes, perfect lips, perfect hands , you could be the most sweetest person in earth, you could do everything you can to make anyone else happy, in a nutshell you can be the perfect person but if someone doesn't want to be kept by you then they won't.
I'm mad in love with her, hiding the fact I wanted her but couldn't have her hurt at the time but the pain of losing her is worse.
I went a little crazy to think that I'd ever be hers.
I hid my pills behind me, "Come here", Dominic pulled me into his arms and I was crying hysterically to a point where I couldn't breathe anymore.
I was having a panic attack, "look at me"
"Breathe, 1, 2 , 3 and out"
I did as he told me, "Again"
He hugged me , he didn't let me go while encouraging me to keep breathing.
After what felt like hours, I was calm, "Do you want to tell me what happened?", he asked me with a worried face , he looked like he was going to cry, "Don't even cry", I told him.
"How? When you're like this?", I sighed.
"Let's go outside and lay on the grass", I suggested, "Okay let's go, grab that blanket", I took the blanket that was on my chair.
My brother knew how to make me feel better but after a while I just became worse, I'm always in my head and all I think about is dying.
We walked downstairs, he opened the door, and we were at the back , where there was a lovely garden that we always kept clean and looked after, he laid the blanket on the grass, and we sat down.
I laid down facing up, the stars looked so beautiful, and the moon shone brightly, it was quiet, Dominic laid down just like me, we enjoyed the comfortable silence for a while.
"I thought we'd last...I thought she wanted me as much I wanted her, I figured that I'm not enough for her no matter how much I tried, no matter everything we've been through, what hurts is that she didn't fight for us, for me, she didn't follow me like I thought she would, she didn't...I guess I'm not as important as she said I was.. I'm not worth fighting for", I said , my brother listened not interrupting me as I continued.
I sighed, "It hurts so much because I'm losing my best friend, my lover , she's the only one I've ever let in like that, she's the only one I've trusted with my life... it hurts...so much, I gave her my heart and it was all I had left , now I'm empty I have nothing else left", I said.
I am deep in the ocean...drowning, falling off heights, I feel so empty, nothing is ever right, I don't know what's wrong with me? What have I gone wrong? Why can't I ever get anything right.
It was just abrupt, everything is just abrupt.
I know I'll drown in my melancholy.
My brother rolled over to hug me, "You have to let her go, as it easy as it sounds and it's going to be the hardest thing to do but you'll make it, do you know how strong you are? And how much I love you? You've been through so much and you are trying to heal from losing people you love and you happen to be losing another that you held closely to your heart, and your mental health is on the edge of a mountain ", he told me.
He is right he is always right, I just can't, I tried so much, my heart was at it's last pick, I couldn't take anymore, but I guess I'm done.
I'm tired of life.
The pressure of having to study with no motivation to continue, my mental health, grieving and heartbreak, it's only so much one can deal with.
I needed support but the only person I hoped would tell me that everything was okay and I'd be fine left me, my brother is here and I'm forever thankful.
Everything is never going well, my life is just the worst, having to walk around like you are okay, having to smile like you are the happiest person in the world while you knew that you world has crushed but you are always trying to fix it and keep it alive.
I'm tired of fighting, I can't do this anymore.
"I'm tired of trying Dom , you know how much I keep trying to push away my suicidal thoughts, everything is too much, with Tay l was better, she made me want to be better, but she doesn't want me and she's gone , I left her so what's the point?", I told him.
"I can't sit and watch you take your life, I'm hurting too, losing them was the hardest thing ever, I can't lose you too", he told his voice breaking.
"If I lose you , I'm left with no one , it'll just be mom", he said.
I didn't say anything, I cried, "Come here, promise me, promise that you won't kill yourself", I just kept quiet, I wouldn't to make promises I won't fulfill like people who made promises to me but eventually broke them.
"Monét please", he said softly while he held me in his arms as we both cried.
-xoxo.
