Monét
I inhaled the joint between my fingers, I felt numb, I looked like a complete zombie, it's been a day since I haven't seen her , the girl who stole my heart and threw it away.
I hardly even did anything but sat here with my blunt, now I'm back on my old habits.
I don't think I can overcome this pain, the pain of losing two of my favorite people , the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of heartbreak, the feeling of being unwanted , the feeling of not being enough no matter how you try.
My depression and anxiety became a lot worse, I hardly ate anything, I took more than 5 joints a day, I was back into the dark place Taylor pulled me out of.
My door opened, "Sweetie, I brought you something to eat", my lovely mother said letting herself into my room.
"I'm not hungry"
She sighed and sat close to me, "But you need to eat just a little bit", she said.
"I said I'm not fucking hungry! You come back out of nowhere and pretend to care about me let alone care if I've eaten or not!", I yelled.
I didn't fucking care right now, I don't care about anything or anyone.
"I deserve that, I know I've been absent in your life and your brother ever since daddy and your little brother passed, I'm so sorry I was hurting, losing a husband and a son at the same time, I couldn't stand being in this house , everything reminded me of them that's why I left", she told while she cried.
"But you shouldn't have left us! We could have dealt with it as a family, but you decided to leave I'm sorry but I don't need you right now, I'm doing just fine", I said looking out the window.
My knees up to my chest, tears flowing uncontrollably, "I'm so sorry baby I'm really deeply sorry", she apologized.
"Funny how everyone keeps saying sorry, but it doesn't fix anything it really doesn't, I want to be alone right now, please leave", I told her.
"I uh okay I'll go I'm sorry", she repeated standing up and closing my door gently.
I just didn't care right now , I can't
I'm always feeling so sad and hurt, l know I'm never gonna be happy, it's like in my chapter I'm always going to feel pain.
I drown in pills and weed to not feel anything, therapists don't really help me, I feel so fucking lost, I don't deserve this life, it's not mine.
I wouldn't wish what I'm feeling even on my worst enemies.
Taylor became my savior, my angel that I've always prayed for, she came by and showed me how to live life, to try and be better for myself, she easily took the pain away , her beautiful words made me feel happy, this is the feeling I've been searching for my entire life , I finally found it but it's gone.
It's fucking gone, and I'll never find it again.
I'll never love anyone as much as l love her, when she took my hand that day I immediately fell in love with her, l knew she was mine, I wanted to be hers , save her and be her little angel and she'd be mine too.
I did this to myself, maybe I deserve all the pain, maybe I deserve to be treated this way, I won't entirely blame her for everything I'm feeling, her heart already chose who she wanted, and sadly it's not me, just like how my heart chose her and no one else?
But l still don't want anyone else.
xoxo.
